Just gotta go with the flow

I try to be the best I can be in all I do and say.
I try to remember the things the hurt me and brought me down so I wont do those things over again.
What doesnt kill me will make me stronger.

I am so excited for friday.  I have a lot to do this week. 
I am scared to leave again, I have no idea what this next year will bring.  But I know Heavenly Father has a plan and I cant wait to find out what is in store.

Also I love my friends.  They are pretty much the greatest thing in my life.  I am so happy that a lot of those amazing guys are comming back to school this year after returning home from their missions and I can't wait to meet all the new people I will meet.

I am happy that there is so much out of my way that will not hold me back from finally living my life this year.  No more locking myself in my room, being anti-social, unknown pain, crappy sicknesses.  On that note .. I didnt get sick this last month! Yay!!  So happy I didnt have to deal with throwing up again.  The pain is still there but it isnt as prohibitting as it has been in the past. 

So here is to life.  Just go with the flow.  Live laugh love.

<3  Erin Christina

3 weeks

3 weeks from today I should be back in Rexburg. 
My senior year.
Lots and lots of stuff that will be going on.
needless to say school and the thought of "what if"s are weighing down on me.

I love this season.  It isnt about gifts or parties.  It is about family and friends.  I am so happy and blessed to be spending all the time that I am with my family.  Enjoying treditions.

Also it is about the birth of my savior Jesus Christ.  It made everything possible.

This week I work work work.  and need to start packing packing packing. 

I love my life.

"lifes what you make it"

<3  Erin Christina

keep it on the DL

want to know something ...

I am scared.

<3  Erin Christina

One Month

Well I have 4 weeks till I leave Texas.  3 weeks and 6 days till I am done with work.  4 weeks and 2 days till I head on back to Rexburg. 

My body is just so tired.  I hate this weather because as it keeps changing I keep being sick.  Man I have a crappy immune system.

Not much to talk about here.  Christmas is all perchased and I just have to wrap everything.  I cannot wait to spend the time with my family.  Strange, how I used to hate it, but now I look forward to when they come.

Hmmm well I guess that is everything.

<3  Erin Christina

update.

I have been lacking.  Life has just been getting away with me.  Working all the time and hardly making anything.  I really dont think I am going to have enough for school.  Babysitting a lot.  Falling way behind on my online class.  Picking up hours at work when I can.  Spending time with my amazing sister-in-laws. 

I love this season though!  It means a lot to me.  The whole meaning of thanksgiving and christmas.  I have so much to be thankful for and I want to anything and everything for those that I love.  I am not even making enough for school and yet I want to get my family something so nice each for christmas. 

...really all I want for christmas is for tuition and books to get paid for.  I hate how my life revolves around me being stressed about money.  I want to enjoy life.  I dont even hang out with friends due to the fact that gas costs me a lot of money and  I want to go as long as I can without having to fill up.

My best friend moved home on monday.  It is friday and I havent seen her.  I fail as a friend.

I am a super impulsive shoe and movie buyer (the movie this just started...addicted to $5/$9 movies at walmart)  and it is starting to really hurt me.  I think I am going to start just not carrying any money around with me. 

I have a lot of things I need to get accompished before the end of december (including my finger printing that I have put off WAY TOO LONG, they sent it to me in Aug I think.)

Well I am going to go help set up Christmas.  Change the oil in my car with my amazing brother when he comes over.  AND babysit whenever that is done.

<3  Erin Christina

Sick again?

I had a few wake up in the middle of the night trips to the bathroom last night.  I dont think I have ever felt that way before .. it was so intence and I could not stop what was comming out of my body.  It hurt so bad and so much pressure it even tried comming out my noise.  My poor kitty has no idea what was going on he just sat there with me.  and has been with me just about all day.

I think I am going to call work.  1.  I threw up everything in my system last night.  2.  Every time I think about eating my tummy starts churning.  3.  I really am hungry and want to eat but I am afraid to.  4.  My back is in major pain and I want to take pain killers but I am afraid that will come up too. 

I dont want to call out, but it will be only my 2nd call out, a few weeks ago when I has been sick.  Maybe working last night was a blessing.  I got 8 hours of work last night and if I call out today I still have gained two hours in my work week.  This really sucks. 

I really hate throwing up and having no idea why I have thrown up.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!?


<3  Erin Christina

I unoffishally have

Endometriosis.
We do not offishally know if that is what I have but we have finally labed what is wrong with me.  I do however still feel like a guineepig.  Having my doctor finally say that she thinks this could be the reason actully takes stress off me.  There is only one way to find out if you have endometriosis is to have a special type of sergery.  It isnt like a huge one but they do have to look inside of you.  I think after I graduate and come back home I might have them look into it, because well lets not kid our selfs, I do not have time to take a week off of my life to find out if I do or do not have endometriosis. 
I am being treated as if I do have it.  Birth control number 5.  I am now going to only have 4 periods a year to help try to prevent what is causing the pain.  I am not a doctor so it is hard for me to explain what is going on..feel free to google endometriosis there is a lot of info on it. 
So here is to another try on something new. 
I am trying to keep in mind always the comfort that is given to me everyday from my Heavenly Father.  I try to think  I can go on my own, but I need him and I know that he is taking care of me no matter what. 

So here is to today and in a week or so when I can start my new birth control. 

<3  Erin Christina

Sicky Icky (45)

I love my Rangers.
I hate being sick.
I just cant get unsick.  First I was really sick, throwing up and fever sick..and still going into work ^_^
Now I am I started that oh so wonderful time of month and I am that sick (wich is funny because I havent gotten sick the last few months...so this time it really is taking a lot out of me.)

There isnt much more to say on that note. 

OH!!!  JONATHAN AND COURTNEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!  The first little Elliott.  I cannot wait.  Baby is due in June and I will meet baby in July at my graduation. 

I have had good hour weeks the last few weeks and this week and next I am done at 30.  I hate all these new hires taking my hours.  Do they not understand that I really only want Sunday off...stop giving me random days in the week off. 

Oh well. 

I am still working on school stress and working on losing weight.  Both not getting any better.
I have my doc appt in a few weeks.  Looking forward to that.  More so because along with being sick this month I am also in a lot of pain with it too.  Any ways, work at 8am so that means it is bed time now. 

<3  Erin Christina

Go Boys Go! (47)

The rangers won last night!!!! It was such a good game.  I am happy that I got to spend that time with my sister-in-laws.  We went out to dinner and got some icecream and watched the game.  AND WE WON.  It was a very good night. 

I work from 10:30-6 today and 2-6 tomorrow.  Friday and saturday are early mornings again.  I hate that they are messing with my sleep schedual like this.  I am going to be tired and cranky on Friday and Saturday because I am not used to going to bed and waking up anymore. 

Well I have to start getting ready for work.  Friday is pay day. 

We are getting close till Tally gets home and for that I am WAY excited.  Cant wait till she comes home!!

It feels werid that it is wednesday I fell like it is Thursday. 

<3  Erin Christina

Having No Luck (47)

I have a goal to be happy no matter what happens.  So through all the crappy customers at work, all the not getting enough hours, all the working days I really dont want to work, my way too kind of a heart, the still not making enough money, feeling sick all the time, the pain, the crazy work hours they are giving me, missing Idaho, missing the few friends I have down here that I never get to see anymore, never getting to go to family dinner on Sundays because of work...I am smiling through it.

You know lately, I have been having those nightmares about HIM.  I guess still missing and hating myself still at the same time.  I try to forget and MOVE ON.  But with all these nightmares I went to his facebook yesterday.  Yes he has privicy settings up but I can still look at the pictures he posts.  He has a new album, him and a girl and she is wear that claughda ring, the one that I remember him trying on me and fitting perfectly.  I am happy for him.  He found someone that he can really love and that he really wants to be with.  Someone that has hopefully made him change and be a better guy.  Something that I failed at.  I had wanted him more then anything so I gave him everything he wanted and in return I got nothing I wanted.  I wasnt the girl he needed.  He wasnt the guy I needed.  I just really hope she isnt letting him do anything bad, that they are both staying worthy.  He broke my heart, but I still want him to end up happy in the end, I still want him to be the priesthood holder he needs to me.  I really hope he has changed, not just for himself but for her salvation as well.

I think this can really help me move on.  I never really stoped loving him.  Deep down I hoped to run into when I got back and that he would want me again. 

I KNOW that I made the right choice.  I did what was right for the both of us.  I lost a best friend and ended up broken, but I did what was right.  I will ALWAYS stand by that choice.  I do not regret it at all. 

I wake up every morning with all those things listed at the start of this post and really dont want to get up.  But I do!! I roll out of bed and start my day.  I smile knowing that my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  He is proud of all the choices that I am making that are helping me get closer to returning to live with him again.  I want to make him proud of me.  I go through each day, it may not be easy, but I do my best.  I can feel him guiding me through each day.  I can feel him wipping away my tears.  I can hear him telling me it will all be alright.  My life is in his hands.  I know that as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing everything will be all right.

Well. Gotta get a move on with this life.  Cheering on the Rangers tonight.

<3  Erin Christina

my goal for the month

Lose the ten lbs that I have gained over this last year.  I will not let the birth control win by making me gain weight.
I am going to try to update my blog more.  My life has just been so boring.  Nothing cool really at all going on.  Just sleeping working and my online class.

Nov 22 is the count down till date.  My bestest friend is comming home  and we will be spending up until I leave for school together.  Party in Texas and Party in Utah.  I love Natalia Angelica May.


<3  Erin Christina

Take my hand

Long story short I need a day off.  It has taken me 2 weeks of 35 hour work weeks starting at 8am to realize that I am not super woman.  It has taken sitting in sacriment today and fighting off several panic attacks that came on like ever 5min.  Why I was having them I really didnt know.  Am I over working myself?  NO!! I cannot I need the money.  I have a 40 hour work week starting TODAY.  I cannot be over working myself.  But I can tell you that one week from today I have 3 days off in a row and if you dont see me it is ok because I am thinking of just locking myself in my room.  No more giving up my only day to sleep in to take someone somewhere.  No more helping someone going through something hard or difficult.  I dont know if you know that I am human too.  I dont have magic powers that make everything go away.  I cannot fix anything that is broken.  I dont know if you know that my life is a total mess.  I cannot tell up from down right now.  I live at Kohls.  My coworkers even ask if I ever go home.  But I say this and know that something will come up next tuesday and I will be up way early and helping someone out.  It is who I am.  I have to work early in the morning and you need me I will be there for you no matter how late it is. 

Sometimes I wish I had a friend to hold me as I cried.  I wish I wasnt alone down here.  I wish I was in Idaho where I could go to the temple everyday if I wanted.  Where I can just walk up to my bishop and talk to him.  Where there are a lot of guys that are always there for me and see me struggling and see through my lies.  Guys who walk up to me knowing I cant do this anymore and ask me if I need a blessing knowing that I hate asking for them.  A place that no matter how busy I am with school I still have time for my calling.  A calling that I put everything into and that I love so much. 

I am falling to pieces BUT doing it with a smile on my face.  When you ask I tell you I am tired or I smile a big smile and tell you I am WONDERFUL and try to change the topic to YOU and get it away from ME. 
I NEED the money.  I NEED the hours.  I NEED to live at work and work the next few months away.  There is nothing else I NEED.  I dont NEED to go out and have fun.  I dont NEED to go to church activities.  I dont NEED to do anything but work.  Work is the only thing I get paid for and I NEED to SAVE and EARN money not go out and spend it. 

I got a calling at church.  I told them that I know I am not supposed to say no to a calling so yes though I couldnt do the one you wanted to give me because of work and you are giving me this one now when I DO NOT HAVE TIME to be on a comitee.  I DONT HAVE TIME to go to any meetings.  I DONT HAVE TIME to go to any activities.  I DONT HAVE TIME.  I AM ALWAYS working.  You just dont understand it.  I was on the activities comitee last year and went to NO meetings and NO activities because I was ALWAYS WORKING.  How can I get you all to understand that I just dont have time.  Do I have to go inactive for you to understand that I have a deal with work that if I have to work on Sundays to not have me work durring church.  That is all I ask for.  I would just rather not have a calling.  I dont want to be part of the ward down here.  I am here to work.  That is my life here at home.  Not being social and not church.  I am not good on comitees.  I never speek up at things and I wont go to any of the meetings because I will always be at work. 
I left talking with brother Petty and went to the bathroom and cried.  He has no idea how much he just make me hate being here even more.

I just want to work.  I just want to make enough money to go back to school.  I just want to work.  Leave me alone world.  You dont know me and I dont want to know you.  I dont want to make friends anymore.  I just wanna make money and go back to BYU-Idaho.

<3  Erin Christina

I forgot to mention

How I am grateful for Spencer Taylor Priest.  I love that guy.  He is one of my amazing best friends and I would be lost without him.  I love hearing his voice and I love talking to him.  I cannot wait to see him in December.  

I will be leaving home in December to visit my wonderful beautiful Natalia and will also be seeing and hopefully ridding up to school with Spencer.  

Life is good and full and great and amazing friends.  I love my life and all those who are in it.

Sorry I HAD to make sure to mention Spencer in my post.  I love you Spencer!!  So happy you are home again!

<3  Erin Christina

What is going on

So much has been happening in the life of Erin Christina.  So much that I have to be grateful for.  My life is  blessed with so much good that it is hard to look upon the bad and think negitively about my life.

I have the gospel in my life.  I know what happens when we die and the eternal blessings that will continue to come to us.  Life does just end, there is an eternity of happiness that comes when our earthly lives are over.  I cant wait, well I can wait, but you know what I mean.  I am so grateful to have such truths in my life.  It fills my heart with joy and happiness.

I am blessed with my family.  We had a pretty fun weekend when we all went out to the time share.  I loved spending time with them.  We have had our problems in the past and still do but we most deffinitly get along so much better.  I go to FHE at Ryan and Ashleigh's place for a reason, they are my family, not the singles ward.  Plus, I feel better being there even if it is a bunch of married people.

I am grateful for my job.  The hours might be EARLY but I am getting 30 and plus hours a week.  Last week was 35, this week 34 and next week 40.25 hours.  Keep on giving me these hours Kohls.  They really are giving me the hours I need and it will help me pay for school and housing.

I am so grateful for all the blessings that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  All the trials and oppertunities that I have faced in my life and I am looking forward to more.  I love my life.

Like my best friend has said before: One day down an eternity to go.

Bring on the Rain!!


<3  Erin Christina

quicky post

Sometimes people are just so dumb.  They frustrate me sooo just sooo so. 
People need to get over themselves and relize that there are some people in the wold who just want friends and arent looking for anything else in their lives.  And when you are a jerk and accuse people of things that arent true you lose friends.  So I thought I had a friend down here and I dont anymore.  Back to the beginning.  I want to go back to Idaho,  I miss Kris (in a mission). I miss Tally.  I miss Spencer (just got back from mission). 

So my life consists of work work and more work (Kohls and babysitting).

I am ready for the weekend.  Not going to the condo on friday but on Saturday with my brothers and sister-in-laws.  So I am not going to church on Sunday and I am kind of upset about it, but there isnt much you can do with a dad like mine, we all have to give up things.  Maybe someday there will be someone in my life who doesnt judge me for my dad.

Some people make me upset and I just cannot stand that they dont care about anyone but themselves.


<3  Erin Christina

I Have A Plan

But I really don't know what that plan is anymore.  Butterflys, and I really hate them.
It is not that I HATE the felling of them but that I am not ready to have them yet, at least I think I am not.  Plus who knows if the other person has butterflys too.  One date means nothing.

OH .. I havent said anything about the date I went on have I.  OK, I guess I will tell a little about it.

One of my home teachers asked me on a date last week.  We went on a two part date.  He picked me up and we went and cleaned the church.  IHOP after the church.  We went to Southlake Town Square and just walked around and talked until he had to take me to work.  I went to work for a really LONG 8 hours on POS.  He picked me up and we went over to the Weavers (his cousins) and we watched a movie there (Zoolander wich earlier that day I told him was one of my favorites).  We cuddled.  We held hands.  We layed in the grass and watched stars.  He smelt really good.  He is cool.  We like a lot of the same music and he has really good taste in music too.  He makes me laugh.  It was a lot of fun.  He is 2nd date worthy..if that ever happens. 

WELL..I invited him to the condo next weekend.  So something will be with me driving there on Friday and home on satuday for me to get to work at 5.  So I wont be home a lone all weekend I get to go out there for at least one day.  (part of me kinda wants to call in sick to work but I dont have enough hours to aford to lose 6 of them.)  Anyway he said yes, he just has to ask his parents.  I think it would be fun to have someone there to hang out with. 

So that is the situation I am in.  I am giving myself no credit and saying he likes me as a friend/he has to be nice to me because he is my home teacher/he has no interest in me at all.   It is better to put myself down now so it dosent happen later.  ^_^


This post was supposed to be about Ben's Funeral, I guess I will do that when I get home from work tomorrow. 



<3  Erin Christina

One day here next day gone

Live everyday because it might be your last.

You never know when the last time you see someone will be the time that you are spending with them right now.

Last Tuesday I got a phone call from my brother telling me that our friend Ben was killed that morning in Afaginstan.  I hung up the phone with him and didnt know what to think.  I could not believe that Ben could really be gone.  I wouldnt let myself believe it.  I remember just bawling that night when it finally hit me that Ben was no longer with us here on earth. 

I cannot believe that Ben is gone.  I am so proud of him.  Ben was an amazing guy.  He never failed to make me smile.  I can remember first meeting  him.  I can remember all the crazy things all of us went out and did. 

It is hard to think that someone can be here today and gone  tomorrow. 

Thank you Ben for surving your contry.  Thank you Ben for your sacrifice.  I will never forget what you have done.  You will never be forgoten and will live on in all of our hearts forever. 

There's no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go.

I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Now what would you think of me now,

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

I know you are in a better place now.  I know  you died doing what you believe was right.  Thank you Ben, Thank you for everything.
I am going to the funeral tomorrow.
 
<3  Erin Christina

A quick update

I am alive.
I owe a few blogs.
I have had a lot of thoughts and choices that have been throwing me off since comming home.
Sometimes I don't do the best choices thinking I am making a good choice.  It was in stake conferince today when it was said that sometime Satan gets us to make a good choice, but it may not be the better choice or the best.  Good, Better, Best.  I have been good since I have gotten home, but I want to be my BEST.  I keep telling myself I don't fit in at church, but I have been dumb because I do.  I have already experinced how amazing my home teachers are.  I am truly blessed. 

So I owe a few blogs.

One about guys.
One about my friend Ben who was killed last week.
Work.
SPENCER
and I am not sure but I do owe a few blogs because I wont get anywhere with these thoughts if I don't talk them out here.

Something that hit me really hard last night was something my mom said "Plans have a tendincy to not work out."  Why would she jinx my life like that?!  But I got a little taste of how plans can get messed up.  Oh my gosh my head is just going off about all of it.
I am sitting here now thinking with more of an open mind.  Come what may and love it.  I wont stop my life just for my degree.  I need to live my life and enjoy it or I may miss out of something important.

I am going to live my life the BEST I can.  I love the church and all the blessings it has brought into my life and all the blessing I know it will bring.

Well I got to get everything together and off to work. 

<3  Erin Christina

This is my Last Summer

I tell everyone how I am graduating this next July.  I have all these wonderful plans made for my life. But what I never say is how afraid  I am.  I don't know for fact what Heavenly Father has planed for me.  I am not the person to look a year ahead of where I am and make plans for what my life is going to be like.  How do I know that something isn't going to mess that up?  I don't, and isn't that what life is about, expect the unexpected, be prepared.

Last week I compleated my Jr year of college.  I have 12 classes left and I am done with my degree.  I finshed off all my generals and could of graduated with that this year.  I finshed off this last semester with some amazing learning and growing experinces for being a teacher.  I am excited and ready.  I know this is what I am supposed to be doing.  But I still have fear in the back of my mind, worry, I have worked so hard to get to where I am, what if something goes wrong.. 3 As, 2 A-s and a B- (and I worked my butt off for those grades!!)  I have sacrificed so much to do what I am doing.  I have made some mistakes but I have corrected them and learned and grew from them.  I spent a year as a music major, what I had ALWAYS wanted to do.  It wasnt actully until Summer of 2009 that I offishaly changed my major.  I have come so far and I have not slacked off, I have worked and worked and worked. 

I have plans for my life.  I know where I want it to go.  I am graduating and nothing is going to stop me of that.  But in doing so I feel as if I am kind of going against things we have been told to not do.  I am putting off dating, relationships, marrige.  But that is the only way.  I cannot date while I am at school because that takes away from my studies.  I don't need any distractions from my goal, my teaching degree.  I guess it was just something that the bishop said to me today that got me thinking and a little annoyed.  I am not dating anyone, if someone asks me out yes I will go out with them.  Yea I look at guys and am interested in them but I have really never had the problem with that (a main reason I don't date is because, well, I don't get asked out).  He basicly told me (though he tells me the same thing every time I have come home) lots of girls think like you (not dating and plan on staying singel) and than out of no where within just a few weeks they get swept off their feet by some amazing guy and get married.  Too bad bishop doesn't  understand that I have ONE YEAR, 12 CLASSES left in school, I am not giving that up for marrige. 

So what am I doing.  This summer/fall I really have no idea, I am currently looking for work right now.  Jan-July will be my last year of school.  I will walk and do the "graduation" thing.  I will do my student teaching in the fall and right there is where I have no clue where my life will take me.  Will I be offered a job where I am student teaching?  If I am I will take it..so my whole life might be moved.  Maybe there I will find an amazing guy, maybe not.  I might be in Texas after student teaching, looking for a job.  I don't know.  I don't worry.  I just worry about my plans for this next year not going as planed.

With all that said, I have faith that whatever happens, happens because it is supposed to be that way.  If by chance I do meet a guy, and he REALLY wants to be with me he will wait till I have that degree in my hands to persue anything with me.  I won't do long distance, it is too distracting and painful.  Relationships just seem to hinder the doing your homework and going to bed at a good time idea.  I do not mind spending day after day in my room working working working, it is worth is.  While I am home, I need to get a job and work and work and work so I can pay for this next year of everything, no time to mess around. 

I look forward to my life.  I think back to elementary graduation, middle school graduation, and even high school graduation, each of those we thought was something HUGE and life changing.  Each was at that time those things, each were their own ending to a chapter in life.  I am about to close my college chapter and I am feeling the same as I did with those, excited and scared, thinking what comes next?...  I will let you know when it comes to that.

Well that is all that is on my mind for now.  Tomorrow I need to wake up and ..well I guess just wake up.  I have a wonderful doctors visit tomorrow to talk to her about how I am still in a lot of pain and none of the pain killers work.  She will than either just give me some new perscriptions and say "Try this and let me know after a few weeks if you are still having problems."  I am tired of them telling me that .. I WANT THEM TO TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG .. stop just giving me drugs actully tell me what is wrong with my body and why it flipping hates me and why I will lay in bed or sitting there or whatever and just hurt so bad that it makes me feel sick.

<3  Erin Christina

If you dont Like it Dont Read it

I have said this many times before that this is where I write what is on my mind.  I love to write and it best gets out my feelings and emotions.  If YOU THINK that I shouldnt write things in my blog than DONT READ IT.  THIS is what is REALLY going on in my life.  The stuff I wouldnt normally say.  The best way to get to know me is through my writting and if you dont like it DONT READ IT.  That is that.  Stop complaining about what I write, because guess what, it is my life.  Yea my blog may seem to have a lot of drama in it, but that is how I get rid of that stuff weighing me down and holding me back, I write and release it from me.  That is how I do things.  I am tired of writting these posts saying to stop complaining about what I write. I write the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. 

It is funny when you find out about those who are supposed to love you the most are just the rudest poeple twords you.  You complain I never tell you anything well, stop reading my blog and you wont have to know ANYTHING about my life. 

I get on the shuttle in 2 hours to head to Utaha and tomorrow morning/day I have my flights back home.

<3  Erin Christina

It is about time I updated again

Life has been treating me so wonderfuly.  I am greatly blessed with amazing friends.  Homework kills but all and all I am learning so much from it. 
Today has escaped me.  It is already after 6pm but I do feel like I got a good amount of work accomplished today.  It is crazy to think in 19 days I will be leaving this life to go back to my home life once again but looking forward to what is instore for me back home. 
So not much has been going on since I last posted.  So much hate and resentment against that one person has been totally released and has left me.  There are times memories come back and I miss those times, but I feel as if I truely am a better person now that he is out of my life.  I do worry about what if I run into him again now that we are no longer at the elementary schools and I walk to class in the morning (that was how I saw him last time) but if it happens it happens and I dont think it will hurt as much as last time and I will not stop and cry but walk on and smile with my head held high. 
Now on to the wonderfulness that is my life!
This weekend my roommates and I went camping!  It was great!!  I loved just about every second of it!!
It was not only camping but it was also rafting, kayaking, and hiking.  It was just so much fun and deffenitly unforgetable. 
It was my first time kayaking and at the start everyone got so far ahead of me I just started crying because if anything happened they wouldn't know.  Our river guide for the weekend was Krislyn's boyfriend Josh by the way.  But I have had nighmears of me dying by drowning so you could immagin why I was so scared.  I actully did well, if I can say so myself.  I however tiped over once when I stoped saying to myself while going through rapids "just keep pattleing"  I had gone over the rapids a few times backwards because I could never stay forward and I would just keep going.  Well this one time I was turnning and there were HUGE rapids ahead of me so I stoped paddling and tried to straighten out and got turned over.  It was scary.  When you get tiped you really dont get a chance to take a huge breath and so it is really scary.  If you have ever gone kayaking before you know that you have a skirt thing you wear and that attached you to your kayak so when you tip you are still in it until you unattach the skirt from the kayak.  There is a tab that we had to pull the unattach ourselfs and than get ourselfs out of the kayak and get up to the serface.  Well when I got tiped I first couldnt find the tab so I opened my eyes and found it.  Then while I was pulling on the tab I could not get unattached.  In panic mode now I started just ripping at the skirt on the sides and just trying to get myself out of that kayak.  I went back to the pull tab again and pulled so hard.  it poped off and I was free, well almost.  I had to remember that my legs were funny in the kayak and I have bruses on my thigh to prove that I was trying to just rip myself out of that thing.  When I got up to the serface Josh was there and did his river guide stuff and saved me. 
We went rafting on friday and on saturday and saturday deffenitly was the funiest time.
We went hiking in the middle of the night up to a hot sping.  It was sooooo nice.  Then we got to hike down in the moon light.  It was so nice, so many stars saturday night/sunday morning.
Sunday we slept since we didnt get back from the hot springs/hike until around 5am.  We ate and ate and ate.  We had a devotional since we slept so long and did not go to church.  It was so nice. 
I love nature so much.  I love being out in the moutins and the woods.
The weekend was so good for me.
I am so blessed for everything that the Lord has given me. 
I cannot wait to see what else he has instore for me, I mean, I have an eternity!

<3  Erin Christina

Guess What Time it is...

Yes back pain time.
So where do I start....
My life is starting to feel like it is coming together again.  Though I find times that I let myself beat me down.  I know I can too much about what people think or I read into it too much but I really hate it when people get judgemental or they can do something but you cant.  I get marked down points because I am 2 min late for a group meeting, but do I say anything about how we are not doing what we are suppose to be doing the meeting.  NO.  I have been doing the work, I am the one that told them hey we are missing this work, and they even said "no that is not due yet" as I sat there with the sheet in my hand that said it was due on June 2nd....yea...not due yet, they know nothing.  I really want to tell my teacher, but I dont want to be the tateltail.  I will tell her at the end of the semester.  My group already treats me like crap or that I am stupid or something, I do so much in that group while others slack off, it is so unfair!! So that really got me upset today.

I talked with my bishop yesterday and he commented on how it looks like I am doing better (he doesnt know that for the last month I have been going to choir practice and sacriment and leaving and skipping the last two hours of church) and I do, I am starting to feel better.  The paper I wrote really helped me out a lot.  He also told me that he found Mikes bishop and talked to him.  I told him that Mike doesnt talk to his one up here, but the one back home and he found that out from him.  Mikes bishop doesnt believe anything that Mike is telling him and knows he does not have his life in order.  He just found out everything I already knew.  Oh well I guess.  Really and truely though I dont think I will ever stop loving him no matter how much I want to hate him, it is his life to live and his mistakes to make and his choices to choose what and what not to do.  I does brake my heart to know that he isnt doing what he is suppose to be doing and I want to blaim myself for that, but if it wasnt me, it would of been some other girl(s), it already was.

I love the 3rd graders.  It is so different then 1st grade but I am loving the experince.  I get to teach everyday in the class and work with small groups of students.  Some of them just crack me up, others I just wish I knew more to help them more.  I am excited for all that I am going to learn and how much I will grow and all that these students and the teacher will teach me.

I am such a pessimest and so hard and down on myself.  I am different, I know that I have been different since the day I was born, I mean there was a chance that I might not of been born.  Every mistake I alway hate myself for and beat myself down for.  I have horrabul self esteem and really do think sometimes the world is against me.  It is just something that has been there in my head growing up.  I was that kid people picked on and made fun of.  I was the fat kid.  I was the kid that didnt wear the cool clothes or do the cool things.  I am so hard on myself, I know it is bad, but it is not like I mean too, it just comes naturally.

I dont have a job when I go home.  Due to a new company policy because I only work aug-dec they cannot hire me unless I can work every 90 days to be a long term temp, and I cannot do that so they cannot hire me back.  When I was told that I just sat down and cried.  I loved this job so much.  It was my life and social life back home.  I LOVED my job, people complained but I loved it.  Teaching and clothes ... there is nothing else in my life and well I cant teach yet so now I am just empty. 

I keep on pushing.  I keep on trying.  I keep remembing to smile.  Just dont hate me when I cant write a happy blog.  This is where I get my feelings out and when I actuly to complain about things.  I dont say this stuff out loud and it has to come out some way, this is how I can keep being happy, by venting here. 

No one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it.

I love my missionarys, they give me strength every day.


<3  Erin Christina

Today is a gift...That is why it is called the present

Ever since I wrote my religion paper I have just been feeling totally different and feeling good.  Yes there are still all those lovely things in my life that are trying to make me miserable but I am not letter them.  I am stressed with school and everything but looking at life with that positive out look I have been serching for.  I really do love my life and look forward to everything that Heavenly Father has planed out for me. 

For the first time ever I looked ahead a year in my life and planed out my last year of school and am PRAYING REALLY HARD that it works out perfectly to take these classes.  I cannot believe that it is all coming to an end.  In about 7-8 weeks (once grades get posted) I will offishally be a Sr. in college.  It is werid to think back.  Just a year ago is when I was offishally changed to be an elementary education major and things have worked out so that I should be able to graduate on time still.  It just is more proof that this is what I am supposed to be doing.  Heck no it is not easy AT ALL.  It really kicks my butt every day and I start doubting this is right for me, but it is those little things that I know  I should be doing this.

So I hope to graduate/walk next July and then eather work for the fall and then move to AZ to do my student teaching (the school sends students to places in ID, UT and AZ to do their student teaching). 

I am not the type of person who makes plans more then really looking ahead a month because something always happens and messes everything up.

Well here is to today.  The present.  Here is to tomorrow. A mystery.  Here is to life.

I am ready to be home.  I am ready to find out about this back stuff.  I am ready to face all these dumb fears and press forward with faith.

<3  Erin Christina

Understand this is a ruft draft

If you read this you need to look at it without judgment.  There are vage personal things in here (it is a refective paper for my New Testimanet class)

What Was Broken Can Now Be Whole




I read His words, the words He prayed while bearing sorrow in Gethsemane; I feel His love, the price He paid. How many drops of blood were spilled for me? With saints of old in joyful cry I too can testify…Where do I start to tell the pains that my heart have felt and the healing that the sacrifice Jesus Christ gave for me and for everyone? From the start of his life he knew he would die, and he knew why he was going to die. He also knew that he would rise again on the third day, so that we all could live again.

I would love to meet the person that has lived a perfect life, the person that has never made a single mistake, great or small. We are taught that we cannot know good without knowing bad, though that may sound almost like we are being commanded to sin, if we never make a mistake we will never learn. Our salvation depends on believing in and accepting the Atonement. The Atonement advances our mortal course of learning by making it possible for our natures to become perfect. Our Savor Jesus Christ came to this earth to redeem us all. It was known from the start that we would mess up and make mistakes, so Heavenly Father sent his son to die for us so that we may be forgiven. All of us have sinned and need to repent to fully pay our part of the debt. When we sincerely repent, the Savior’s magnificent Atonement pays the rest of that debt

I have been healed by the atonement so many times. He suffered so much pain, “indescribable anguish,” and “overpowering torture” for my sake, for all of our sakes. His profound suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He took upon Himself all the sins of all other mortals, caused Him “to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit.” “And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly,” saying, “O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.”

Our Redeemer took upon Himself all the sins, pains, infirmities, and sicknesses of all who have ever lived and will ever live. No one has ever suffered in any degree what He did. He knows our mortal trials by firsthand experience. Without going through the things that he went through he would have never been able to know and feel the things that we have felt. Even as he hung on the cross Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost had to withdraw themselves from Christ so that he could feel the utter aloneness that we sometimes feel. The evil influence of Satan would destroy any hope we have in overcoming our mistakes. He would have us feel that we are lost and that there is no hope. In contrast, Jesus reaches down to us to lift us up. Through our repentance and the gift of the Atonement, we can prepare to be worthy to stand in His presence. No one has had an easy life, and that is why we have the atonement, for all pains, trails, sicknesses, and trails; the Lord has felt it and been through it all, we really and truly are not alone in anything we do.

A young girl, strong in her beliefs and who loves the church more than anything in her life and who had never made any mistake that was huge, could have never foreseen the twists and turns that her life was going to go through from some of the littlest actions. Some of the biggest things start off as some of the smallest little sins. Is it sinning if you don’t know that you are sinning? I think somewhere down the line she knew what she had stumbled upon was wrong. She was so young, and had so many questions; this seemed to answer them and to teach her things of the world. Such a little thing, even after stopping, she never forgot and she would never really stop. Every once and a while it would come back and she would find herself trapped again. There were many prayers she prayed Heavenly Father please forgive me! I hate this feeling! I promise I will never do it again…I know I have said that before, but I won’t again, I promise. You probly have stopped listening to me, you don’t believe me anymore. Please forgive me…” She had herself convinced as long as she prayed about it, which is all that she had to do. This young girl that what was passed in her life was all that was going to happen. Her father left the church and it destroyed her inside and she had no idea what to even believe anymore. She had learned a lot from those mistakes that no one knew about but was known as “the innocent one” with all her friends and she hated it, because deep down she knew she really wasn’t. As she got older new mistakes arose and still in those little things, she didn’t like the reputation she had so she tried to change it with language and dress. This new attitude of hers even affected things that she let slide when she started dating a boy. She would lay in bed and just cry. People at church would tell her how wonderful she was and such a great example she was and yet she knew for all those years sitting in the bishop’s office and going to the temple that she was lying. Satan strives to convince one that sins can be hidden from others, yet it is he that causes them to be revealed in the most compromising circumstances. It wasn’t until she left home and went off to school that her past finally came out and smacked her in the face and hard. It was through the examples of a few friends that she realized that what she needed the atonement in her life more than anything else. It was hard to talk about it, but she did it. She felt so much better after and knew that no longer was she weighed down by that guilt. That was the first time that she had felt the healing of the atonement, which helped her gained her testimony of it.

Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord. Have you done things that you wish you had not done? Is it difficult for you to see any way to solve your problems? Does there seem to be an oppressive, crushing weight that’s always there no matter how you seek to shake it? Under the influence of powerful emotions or stimulants you may have periods where there seems to be relief. Yet in the quiet moments of reflection that inevitably come, you realize that your life is not what you want it to be. That was me, that has been me, and I hate to admit it but it is me in many, many cases in my life. One thing lead to another to another to another, but I repented and felt the atonement for the first time and I thought nothing else could ever go wrong in my life. It was only four months until I messed up again. It wasn’t anything new; it was something I had discussed the first time sitting crying my eyes out in the bishop’s office. I went straight into the bishop’s office after it happened. It was harder this time, I hated myself; it wasn’t until right before I went home that I had really completed the repentance process and gained a deeper understanding for the atonement. It was then that I had learned that the atonement was not only there to take away the sins but also the pains that came along with the sins. The atonement is not only about being forgiven but forgiving yourself.

There is also more to the atonement than just being cleansed from sin, but to be healed from sickness as well. I once received a blessing (and has actually been said in a few blessing I have been given) that Heavenly Father cries when I cry, he hurts when I hurt, he is happy when I am happy, he is full of joy when I am full of joy. Every feeling I feel he feels along with me, every emotion I go through is something that Christ felt for me as he gave his life for me. I feel so selfish when I think that I am alone in the world and no one knows what I am going through. I sit in my room and cry and wish that my life could just be over. Not only have my sins been suffered for but every time I have and will be sick, and for all those feelings and emotions and thoughts. Talk about being selfish, I continued to make mistakes even after a second time of being able to once again feel clean.

Sin became an addiction; I never thought it would happen to me. You can put alcohol in my face and it won’t do anything to me, but there are times when I do struggle to say no in certain situations. The part I hate the most and what I don’t understand is that if we know that what we are doing is wrong then why do we do it? The painful consequences of sin were purposely put in His plan of happiness by a compassionate Father in Heaven so that you need not follow that tragic path in life. A sinner will not only suffer in this life, but sins that have not been forgiven through true repentance will cause anguish beyond the veil. Repentance is a process of cleansing. It is difficult, but it has an end, a glorious end with peace and refreshing forgiveness and the miracle of a new beginning. Confession of improper acts is an important step but that is not full repentance.

I am not an expert on the atonement; I do wish I was though so maybe this time it would not be as hard. I chose to write this paper to help remind me about all the wonderful things that the atonement has done in my life. I have been forgiven for so many things that I don’t think I should have been forgiven for. How many drops of blood were spilt for me?! I caused him so much pain and have caused myself so much pain in every sin and mistake. Even though this time I chose right and even though it took me 4 months of knowingly doing the same thing over and over knowing I was sinning and going far beyond forgiveness I found myself in my bishop’s office crying my eyes out. Hearing those words that I feared so much, but finding myself at the mercy of the Lord. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that my Heavenly Father has some part of His great plan that involves me in some way that I find myself blessed past what I feel I should be blessed with. I know that I should not doubt. I know that the atonement is at work in my life. Confession of improper acts is important step but that is not full repentance.

How do you forgive yourself when you feel that you did not deserve to be forgiven? I know that my sins have been taken away from me. I am doing everything that I have been told to do and I have felt everything lifted off of me but I still struggle and fight. I know it is true that every time it gets harder but that there is always forgiveness. I feel my savoir with me at all times and in everything I have been doing. I also feel Satan trying to beat me down again.

Another vital aspect of repentance is to recognize the role of the Savior through His Atonement. Indeed, it is that very Atonement that makes repentance even possible. As you pray and ponder the role of Jesus Christ as your Savior and Redeemer, you will acquire great motivation and encouragement to help you repent. I believe that no matter how diligently you try, you cannot with your human mind fully comprehend the eternal significance of the Atonement nor fully understand how it was accomplished. We can only appreciate in the smallest measure what it cost the Savior in pain, anguish, and suffering or how difficult it was for our Father in Heaven to see His Son experience the incomparable challenge of His Atonement. Even so, you should conscientiously study the Atonement to understand it as well as you can

This is not the end for me. I have not learned all that I need to learn. I started writing this paper thinking I was going to end it bearing my testimony on the atonement and yet at the same time having to contradict my testimony by saying those things like how I do not feel I should be forgiven. I know that I will have many questions when I get to meet Heavenly Father and Christ at the gate. I know that this life is hard. These feelings and emotions that I have been stuck with and struggling with and crying myself to sleep with every night for the last month and a half in time will be solved. The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life…trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life.

I know that the church is true. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of all things in our lives. I know that no matter what trails and struggles that I go through that he is there for me, through prayer and scripture study I have so much left for me to learn. I know that my sins and mistakes have all been forgiven because my savior bled and died for me. I know that as I remember these things and stop doubting and learn to forgive myself the atonement will keep working and will be something constant in my life. I have felt and do feel the atonement in my life and I know that without it I would not be here today. I know that the Lord has a plan for me, and I know that even if I make mistakes that as I use the atonement He is proud of me for doing what is right. I am thankful for the trials in my life, at the time I hate them, but once it is all done I look back and see how much I have grown and learned. I am thankful for the words of the leaders of the church, without them I don’t think I would have grown so much through my study for this paper. I do know that this church is true with all my heart. I know that because of the atonement that I will meet Heavenly Father and Christ at the Gate and they can and will be proud of me and will embrace me and welcome me home. I cannot wait for that day. I know that I am not perfect, I am human, and I know that I will make more mistakes Heavenly Father already planned for that and gave the world his son and the atonement. Though your sins be red as scarlet they will be white as snow. I am blessed by the atonement. I know its power is true. I know that what was once broken can now be whole because of the sacrifice of love, the atonement. I know that I have been forgiven and can always be forgiven.


<3  Erin Christina

Sometimes I want to just be done

There are times when I just want to be done with this dumb test life here on earth.  There are times that I think this place has NOTHING left to offer me.  There are times that I just feel like there is no one on the flipping planet that can give a rats ass (sry for the wording) about my life and anything in it. 
No matter how much on the outside I seem like I am an optimist I really and truely am a pessimist.  I hate the depression that at every turn in my life I just don't want it.  I think the whole world is against me and wants me gone.  I cannot stand other peoples happiness, how sad is that.  I see people happy and I want to just die.  It only makes matters worse for me living in an apt that everyone is in a relationship, I live in a life where it is not normal to be single and yet I am.  I don't even get asked out on date and I don't know whats wrong with me.  There has to be something wrong with me.  What is wrong with me.  What is my defect.  Why can't I be happy.  I try.  I go into everyday with the mindset of being happy, but by the end of the day I just wish that Heavenly Fathers plan for me would be done and I can go home to him again. 
I don't have anyone to talk to that wont just tell me to suck it up or thats life get over it. 
I hurt inside.  No one fully understands that.  No one understands that there is something wrong with me that no matter how much I know that its life and I should get over it that something inside just keeps telling me I am worthless and better off dead.  Yes it could be half satan telling me that, I know that I am still going though a lot but this has been in my life for a long time and as I am getting older it gets worse. 
I hate me.  I hate everything about me.  I feel worthless.  I feel alone.  The only person that cares is Christ and my Heavenly Father.  We were not ment to go on this life alone and hurting like this.  We are suppose to have friends, but where are mine?  They are all too busy with boyfriends and girlfriends.  They are too busy decieding that I am not worth any of their time.  They are too busy to even acknoledge that I am alive.
I miss Spencer.  I got a letter from him today.  It made my day.  I love him so much, he is one of my best friends.  But I know that soon after he gets home he will meet this beautiful girl.  He will call me and tell me all about her, and that will be the last I hear from him until I get a wedding annoucement.  How do I know this?  It is my life.  I have lost hope for most anything and everything in my life.  I just don't even know what to do half the time anymore.  I don't even want to try.  I just want to be done.  I don't see anything.  I don't have anything to keep going for.  I hate this.  I hate all of it. 


<3  Erin Christina

It was the best of times it was the worst of times

So this weekend was not the best weekend ever. Got to just love being sick. The whole seeing Mike thing. Dealing with the Hell that I am living in. Not to mention my depression has not been making life easy. There have been many nights of crying myself to sleep. Wishing I wasn’t alive. Praying for it all to end. Last night was the first night in a while that I have not cried myself to sleep. Natalia Angelica May came and visited me. He and her boy friend Kenji who I got know a little bit and totally approve of him. I believe the thing that made me like him so much was seeing how happy she is. I remember back home things were not the best, and I hated seeing her how she was, it hurt me seeing her hurt. It brings joy into my heart knowing and being able to see how happy she is. Also in a time that I have felt that everyone I have once loved has turned away from me she comes in just like nothing had ever happened and she brings that joy back that I have missed. I have not had such a good day in a while. We didn’t even do much but hang out and that really was enough for me. I suck at being a hostess but it was a good time. He is a good guy, I did feel bad how he kept paying for things I wanted to pitch in but never got the chance.


The time they were here I was also feeling really good, about an hour after they had left my body crashed and I went back to feeling yucky and my voice has to try hard to try to even get a sound out. It is a good thing that I am not in the elementary school this week hah.

I am giving my life a second shot for optimism. Whatever is suppose to happen, whatever Heavenly Father has planed will happen and I will be ready for it. I am just happy to be reminded that I am not alone. Natalia is one of my best friends and I am happy that we can still sit there and just laugh because we do know what the other is thinking. I am so grateful that they were able to make the trip out here. I don’t know if they will ever fully understand the true impact that made on my life and my thoughts and my doubts and my fears about a lot of different things.

We got Chinese food today and my fortune told me that this year I will be focused on my family or something like that. I thought about it and it is true in a way. It may not be my family back home but my future family. I am working a lot on myself. I want to be the best that I can be FOR THEM.

My heart is happy. I have my best friend back in my life. She might have never left, I still don’t know what really happened but I wasn’t going to ruin anything by asking questions like that, because none of that really matters to me as long as things can stay as there have become now and things can maybe go back to how they use to be with her and me.

I love Natalia Angelica May and hope to at the end of the semester spend some time with her before going home. And I do love Kenji, he is pretty dang cool.

<3 Erin Christina

The Worst Thing is

Thursday I thought I saw him.
Friday I did see him.  He is still here.  He never left.
I have not been able to be positive on myself since.
This has spiraled me deeper into depression.
It is horrible.
It just makes me think that I really am good for nothing.
I have no one to really talk to about these things.

The words in the last post cant even come close to the feelings and thought that I have been going though this weekend.  I want to yell at him!! Cuss at him!! Punch, kick, splap, anything and everything to him. 

Everything was a lie.

I do not think I can ever trust another human ever again.


To make matters oh so much better.  A guy that I have been interested in is interested in my roommate and she is way into him.  I hate even being around it.  Just makes me think even more about the fact that I am just not good enough for anything or anyone.

I have been sick this weekend.  Threw up when I thought my body didnt even know how to anymore.  I think I have been getting sick, explains why I have been so weak and tired all week. 

Well guess here is to going on with what feels like a pointless exsistance.

No school tomorrow and Tali and her boy are on there way up here for a visit.  I am pretty excited.  After all that I have thought how she hates me and never wants to ever have anything to do with me ever again here she is coming back into my life.  It feels right, the thing I need most right now is a friend and as it seems it is also the time I feel everyone has abondoned me. 

<3  Erin Christina

Today Hurt

I thought I saw him.
I wanted to run to him.
Yell out his name. 
Tell him to wait.
I couldn't move.
I could't speak.
Couldn't breath.
I knew it couldn't be him.
He isn't here anymore.
Something  inside, though, wanted it to be him.
I just stood there.
A few tears ran down my face.
I know people looked at me funny.
But I payed no attention to anything around me.
I was alone in a world.
Frozen in time.
Why would this come back now? 
I had been doing so good.
He barely comes into my thoughts any more.
Thinking I saw him has destoried everything I have been working on the last three weeks. 
Every cut reopened.
I wanted to fall to the ground and cry.
That would be letting him win.
I own my life.
It is funny how not that he is gone I know that I can openly admit that I know I loved him.
So this is what love feels like...
I never want anything to do with it ever again.
I don't ever want to feel this pain ever again.
I cannot got through this ever again.

Why does my heart still call his name? 
Why does can't my heart forget him?
Why can't I move on?
...I thought I was...

I thought he was gone...I guess I was wrong.

(I guess the funny part was as I watched this guy walk I looked at how he walked just to make sure 100% that he was not Michael.  This guy walked like a normal person - 2 real legs!)


<3  Erin Christina

Yuck.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.  Every year I have lost weight up at school. .. what is wrong with this year!!

I put on a pair of dress pants yesterday and they did not fit .. like AT ALL!  way too small ... yea ... something has got to change.

well I have to run to class.

<3  Erin Christina

Skills

Ok I dont have skills but welcome to my new and improved looking blog...I still cant figaure out music but that is something for another day.

so a close thought for the day...

Is it wrong to maybe kinda might has a cruch or think that a guy is attractive ... that looks like someone you have dated in the past?


<3  Erin Christina

Slow and steady

Just like the tortous win the race, things take time and you will often lose so much if you speed through things like the hare did. 
So I should be thankful for things taking their own sweet time.  It is hard and I get impatent but in the end I do believe that everything will be worth it.  Heart brake takes time to heal and mend, so I just have to live with it.  I know I wont hurt forever, and I know eventually I will stop blaiming myself for everything.  I also know that hopefully soon I will escape from this depression that is trying to weigh me down.  I am fighting it like crazy. 
The right place, the right time, the right person.  It keeps coming into my head.  It does not matter if the right person comes along if it is not the right time or would not be in the right place.  Plus, there is not just one right person out there..there are many people who would be that right person and would make you so happy, you HAVE to watch out for those other two. 
I am slowly but surely getting back to being me.  But I cannot help but still put up that wall and lock the world out. 

Satuday the choir sang at stake conference and they did amazing.  I even got a letter from pres. Kush and that just made my day and week and has just helped me feel like I am noticed, and I can do something important.  It really brought meaning and light to what hate and darkness I feel for myself. 
My back had been causing me issues lately.  But that is nothing I am not used too.
School is well school.  I haven't posted my last two journals for Early Feild, I will post them soon, most likely along with  the one I will right for this week.  I have lots and lots of homework and projects and reasons for wanting death (jk on the last part)  but I KNOW that with the Lord all things are possible.  As long as I keep my faith and trust in him and keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, My Heavenly Father will watch over me. 

Well I should already be already for school and I am not.  Gotta run.

<3  Erin Christina

i dont want to write this post

I wont have all that needs to be in here, I have been putting it off.
On Mikes birthday we talked.  I stood up for what I believed in, I wasnt able to talk to him before he started doing what we always did.  I stoped him.  I was written out of his life. 
I feel like a butt face for a letter I wrote him, asking him to talk to his bishop or my bishop will find his and he has already talked to him.  He is leaving and I will never see him again. 
It kills me to know the results of choices we make, even more so knowing I get to stay here at school, and he is sent home. 
He was already talking with his homeward bishop.  He he told him to stop, but he wasnt ready, I changed before he wanted me to. 
He is packing up and leaving.
He says it is all whatever.
Hey says I ripped his heart out .. I say whatever.  He destroyed me so many times, and from the blogs over the last year .. you all know that.  But that is what hurts the most "you ripped my heart out".  That is the last of the messages he sent to me "It's better if you go your way and I go mine"  He knows what to say to hurt me of just to get me to feel whatever he wants me to feel and it works every time.
It still hurts me deep down inside and now I am having fault issues, blaiming myself.
All I ever wanted was to be with Mike.  And now I will never see him again.
Everything happens for a reason.
The Lord has his plans and knows all that will happen.  Everything is to make us who we are and make us stronger.  Every experince is to help us learn and help us grow.

So ladies and gentelmen, I wouldnt be supprised if this is the last post about Michael Parkes.  The closest I have ever been to being in love with a guy.  He had my heart, he did.  I know I have his forgiveness and I cna start building everything again.  Will I ever forget him, no I wont.  He will always have that place in my heart.  No matter how much my friends and everyone hated him, he was a truly amazing guy that I did respect a lot. 

Here is to a new beginning.  Who knows what Heavenly Father has in store for me.  I do know for a fact that he wants me here, or I would be home as well. 

Happy Mothers day.
I love you mommy.  I am sorry for all the dumb things that I have done that has made you asshamed of me, but you never stoped loving me.
Everything good that I am I have learned from watching you.  You have been such an exsample to me.  I'm sorry that I havent talked you you about any of this stuff, you really should know, and yet I have shut you out of my life, and took my stress out on you today.  Mom I love you more than anything,  I really do, I am so happy that you are my mom, I couldnt ask for another. 

My life is a mess right now, school wise, it is a good thing I have things cleaned up so the only stress I have is school, and yes I am way stressed.  But I know my Heavenly Father is there. 

<3  Erin Christina

In the classroom

Erin Christina Elliott


May 1, 2010

April 23- April 30

Journal

These first few days of going to the elementary school and interacting with the students have been a wonderful experience. The first two days was just observing and seeing how the class is run. Mrs. Cranmer would come and talk to us during the student’s recesses time and ask us if we had questions or explain a few different things about her classroom and how things are done. One thing I learned from her kind of goes against what we are taught in our classes here at school. All my teachers stress lesson plans and how important they are and tell us that we will be making them for everything for the rest of our lives, but my cooperating teacher told us that we won’t. We, as teachers, will be making some lesson plans, but if we make a lesson plan for every lesson that we are going to teach then we will be spending all our time making lesson plans. She told us that some lessons we will make a lesson plan for and some we will just teach.

A teacher needs to be in control of their class. Every teacher has their own way of running their classroom and it is important to make sure the class knows those rules. Mrs. Cranmer runs her class under a schedule and the class knows the rules of the class. This last Friday she actually changed up the routine and the class didn’t know what to think of it. I have learned that watching the teacher teach and actually be up and helping in the classroom are two different things. These students are learning differently then I learned. I am sitting in the back of the class observing the students learning and learning phonics myself. I am very thankful for my literacy class to help me understand these things that the students are learning and the things that I know I will be helping teach the students, though I am pretty sure they will be teaching me more then I them.

These students are in such a great learning environment and I can tell that they do learn and for the most part enjoy learning. The teachers know their students and how each student learns and creates the learning environment that best fits the class’s needs. Mrs. Cranmer always asks us if there are any questions that we have that need to be answered and even when we don’t have any questions she gives us information about what the class is doing and why they are doing it. I have started picking up on the cues that she gives to the class and how in control she is of the tone of her voice and words she uses even when the class or single students get in trouble. After observing for a week I am excited to start teaching, but on the nervous side too. I am working on that because I know that I cannot let the students know that I am intimidated or anything about teaching them, or I know that they will try to walk all over me.

Atonement

What do I say.
It has been a while.
So much has happened.
I opened my mouth on Sunday.
I heard those words that have haunted me.
I saw myself leaving and going home, saying goodbye.
I am here.  For good.  This is my home, and I wouldnt have it any other way.
For the first time in what feels like forever I feel the spirit in my life at all times.  I love it.  I love being happy, Truely happy.  My apt is amazing full of amazing people and no contention this semester.  I am meeting lots of people, finding out I am related to people.  I am going to LOVE my calling this semester.  It makes meso happy to be, well happy. 
The next thing to get off my list is talk to Mike and say my final goodbye unless he choses to have anything to do with me.  But he doesnt work that way, or so he says.  So after I get him to go on a walk with me and I talk to him, he will write me out of his life.  And you know what, that is ok, because I will have pain, but I will also be able to tell him stuff that I should of said a long time ago. 
It has been a year now that I have wanted no one other then him.  Has taken control of so much, and I have given up so much JUST IN HOPES that I could be with him and that he would want me over all those other girls.
I use to feel like trash, but now I feel so much better.  I do not regreat my past but embrase it as a learning experince.  I know that I know things about me and I think through meeting and talking with the bishiop and going to the temple I will find more of me that has been missing out.

I am the choir director this semester and I have put together an arrangment that I am so excited about.  It will sound so amazing!

I met the daughter of my moms 2nd cousin.  Both of us are pretty excited to find out we are related.  Allyson Kelley is in my ward and I have also asked her to play the piano for choir.

All my fears about talking to my bishop were faced, and the words about sending me home were said.  But he wants me to stay here.  He wants to work with me. 
"Never doubt that you are amazing and wonderful, because you are, always have been and always will be"

I will be going to the temple at least once a week this semester (Yes I am worthy and the bishop told me that I NEED to be going, basicly a commandment for  me to be going, so I pretty much have to.)

My life is wonderful.  I have happy.  I have back pains and stress and lots of homework.  But through the triedness and stress, it does not make my day or life any less wonderful then it is now.

Pure and Holy.  Clean as snow.  I hope to keep my life in order.  I still need to make habbit of prayer and scripture.  I look forward to life, and  taking what it gives me, rather then hoping and working twords a goal that is not best fit for me at this time. 

If things happen they happen, in the Lords time and way.


<3  Erin Christina

I don't Understand

So this was day three of the semester.  Yea I am on the stressed side of life.  My classes are pretty killer, but at the same time kind of fun.  I just have to learn to get back into the swing of things and get organized again.
Tomorrow I am in the school!!! How cool is that.  I wont be in the first grade classroom I was assigned just yet, but we will get to have a meeting with the principal of the school and also ask the questions for our first paper due next week.  So I will be staying busy with school work and what not ... OH JOY ... hah oh well.

I was asked out the other night.  I don't know when the date will be, but I did say yes to a date.  I know right, HUGE thing for me, since I am pretty much anti-dating .. two of friends (G and Ryan) are making a big deal about it. 

So I texted Mike and just like I thought he did not reply.  No I was not caving and wanting to see him, but just like always, he is hurt by a girl and it kills me when that happens.  I can't really say it is unfair, but it does feel like it and I wish that I was allowed to hurt so bad.  But I am allowed to right?  I have been "chasing" this guy for a year.  Wanting to be with him at any cost.  I wish I had known back then that the cost would be this high.  I hurt so bad.  I want nothing more then for him to be happy, for these girls to just stop walking all over him and treating him so wrong.  I know that I wouldnt treat him that way, but I am not the girl he wants.  I have to give up on him.  I have to take back my life to being MINE.  Yea, I know it will hurt but someday I will get over it.  Someday I will feel better.  Someday.  Someday.  Someday cant come soon enough.  So I will continue to cry over a dumb boy, until I heal.  But I wont let this effect my life.  I have already started to bring myself up and  be who I use to be.  It will take some time and I know I will never fully heal but getting hurt by a guy should not control my life.  Everything will work out the way the Lord has planed.  Lets just hope he has me planed to stay here, I dont want to go home, not yet, not now.

Well one of my roomies April made crepes and I am going to go eat one.

<3  Erin Christina

I can turn my heart around with just one step.

Dear Sir,
One year ago today we met.  Well, at least one year ago I first saw you.  I can't believe all that has happened in this last year between you and me.  One year ago I wanted nothing but to be with you, and look at where that got me.  I tried so hard to be that girl that you needed in your life, and I have now turned into the last thing you need in your life now.  I changed for you, to be with you, why did I do that. 
But now I am going to try to change back. 
I know it is going to be hard
I know that I am risking so much, but all that I did to be with you was not me changing for the better.  I have learned a lot from you.  You will always hold a part of my heart. 
You said that we could not do things if there was an attachment, and well, there is, there has always been, from the start and I know I told you that.  I cant play this game anymore, I cant keep hurting myself for you.  I would do anything to be with you and that is the worst thing that I could need to do in my life. 
I am going to spread my wings and soar to higher things, the sky is my limit.  I still have that answer to my prayer screaming at me, but if it really is meant to me, then well let our reunion be a sweet colision of destenies. 
I will never forget everything that happened this last year.  I wish I could of been that girl.  The one that you would fall in love with, but who am I fooling, I knew from the very start you were to good to be true.  I wish I didnt have to write these words, and I know I am going to have to tell you some time.  I wish I could of stayed being that girl you needed in your life, the one to help you up hold your priesthood.  I wish I had stuck to my standards and know the things that I have to do and make sure you knew them too, not believe you.  I trusted you way to much. 
I can't keep going another year telling myself that you will eventually choose me. 
I have to practice what I preach.
I have to be the daughter of God I am suppose to be.
I want to go to the temple and have the spirit in my life at all times and I can't keep pretending everything is all right. 
I want to be with you.  I want to be the one that you call yours.  I want you to stop not seeing what is right infrount of you.
I can't be something I am not.
I am sry I am not good enough for you.
Maybe someday, when you are ready for me in your life, maybe someday we will be together, but for now, I have to say goodbye or I will lose my life waiting for you, and I just can't do that.
I do not believe in goodbye, so I hope to see you soon.  Enjoy the life you have now.  And when you are ready, I hope I can  be there for you, but I cannot make any promises.
I will always see you as a friend, such a good close friend, someone that I feel like I can talk to about anything.  You have no clue how hard this is for me.  I didnt love you, but it was something pretty darn close, and the heart brake that you fixed has come undone and I have no clue what to do anymore.  But I guess that is the way life is supposed to be.
Talk to you Later.
<3 Always and Forever,
Erin Chrisitna

I CAN Change

There are days
You stumble and you fall
And sometimes through it all
You think you'll never stand again
There are times
When choices weigh you down
And bend you to the ground
That's a place that we've all been … but
(Chorus)
You can change
You can turn your heart around
A brand new start can be found
If you'll only take one step
You can change
Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon
And let them die
And emerge a butterfly
You can change
Now it's time
To finally spread your wings
And soar to higher things
You know the limit is the sky
As you go
If you sometimes fail
When your spirit's frail
Remember you were meant to fly
(Chorus)
You can change
Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon
And let them die
And emerge a butterfly


<3  Erin Christina

Some New Beginnings

Ok, a few hours ago there was a lot that I wanted to write, but I am going to make this short and sweet so I can go to bed, I am pretty tired and my back kind of hurts.  I know I havent been that good at writing here about things going on, because well, nothing that good has been going on.  I however and going to try to change that. 
School is going to kick my but this semester, I can just feel it, my religion class it pretty hard core, as in A LOT OF WORK, but maybe that is what I need.  All my other classes are just about like that too.  I have to even learn and play wonderfully and well the recorder for my music methods class.  Like I said school is going to kick my butt this semester. 
I am worried and I dont know what to do, but I think I am going to be drawing way closer to my Heavenly Father this semester. 
Every time you think you have finshed, the Lord gives you more to do.  My work on this Earth has bearly just begun, and I am still learning about me.
Please however keep me in your prayers.  I am soon to do something that might change my life forever ... ok it is not as bad as you think and it will change me, BUT, I know I have to do it.  I am scared, but I know I have to do it.

So I will let you know tomorrow how my first two classes went.
Love you all!

<3  Erin Christina

My Child Lit Final

Lessons from Stargirl


Stargirl is not normal; it is not hard to come down to the conclusion that she is different from everyone else, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is just not one thing that I learned from Stargirl; in fact throughout the two books I learned a lot of different life lessons. Everything in this list is something she taught me. Each thing I have learned I have taken and tried to give it a home in my life, so I can be more like Stargirl and I can be more of the star person that lives inside of me.

Stargirl taught me….

 Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

 Don’t be afraid to dance WHEN everyone is watching

 Sing OUT LOUD

 Give to those in need

 Give to those not in need

 Go out of your way to make someone smile

 Not every day is a 20 pebble day

 Some days really can be as bad as a 3 pebble day

 It really doesn’t matter what other people think

 Cheer for the other team

 Have faith in yourself

 Never change who you are for a boy

 Never change yourself for anyone BUT yourself

 One person CAN make a difference

 You don’t have to take credit for everything that you do

 Morn with those who morn

 Comfort those in need of comfort

 Don’t be afraid to love someone

 Don’t be ashamed to love someone

 Changing yourself won’t always make you happy

 Changing yourself won’t always get you what you want

 If being yourself isn’t good enough than they are not ready for you

 Even star people have heartache

 When we do change for a reason other then what is best for us, we can always find ourselves again

 There is a little Stargirl in all of us

 Send random gifts to people

 Making people smile will also make you smile

 Letting a guy occupy space in your life, waiting on him, trying to imagine him in your future when he isn’t even in your present prevents you from moving forward.

 You will always miss them

 You will still have the memories

 BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER ABANDON YOURSELF FOR HIM

 You cannot be faithful to them without being faithful to him

 When something happens and you lose yourself you can always reclaim yourself

 You can always reclaim your future as YOURS not THEIRS

 Give the world yourself – the REAL YOU

 Never give someone half of who you are

 Just because someone isn’t ready for you now doesn’t mean it is a lost cause

 Listen to your friends

 Do not take your friends opinions lightly

 Your friends sometimes know you better then you know yourself

 You can work through your feelings by having a conversation with that person but not really talking to that person but just imagining it

 Loneliness can make you venerable and confuse your feelings

 Don’t EVER throw yourself at a man

 Inhabit the moment

 Live today

 Even if violins play, it doesn’t mean he is the one

 You need to listen with the eyes and ears of your heart

 Sometimes guys will just confuse you to the point where you will be embarrassed that it took you so long to see it (whether it be good or bad)

 Embarrassed, for believing that you were the only one who felt a certain way

 Insulted when you thought someone liked you and they did not

 Relieved when you didn’t like someone and you find out that they didn’t like you that way either

 Curious to what happens next

 If something is meant to be, if destinies are meant to cross again, they will as long as you hope and believe they will

 When you can’t really tell someone what you want to, write the never ending letter to them. Work through your thoughts and feelings that way and you will feel better. That way you can say whatever you want to them.

Stargirl taught me about how to deal with guys, how to deal with bad days, how to find happiness in everyday. Stargirl have a big heart and she makes me want to be a better person. Stargirl helped me and reminded me of whom I really am, who I really need to be. Just one example of the many things was remembering the many times I have changed myself to fit in. After seeing how she got Leo and ever Parry to notice her and seem interested in her (doing nothing) it is ridiculous to think back to everything I have done to make a guy notice me. I remember even back in high school I went through a time where I didn’t even know who I was because I was a different person at home, at school, at color guard, at church, and any place I went I was someone different just so I could fit in. Just like how Stargirl felt when she was not herself, I am not happy not being me. People are always changing who they are; I even see it in some of my good close friends. They are changing for different groups of friends, for church leaders, for teachers, for boys, no one is being the real them, they are all being the person that someone else wants them to be. I just want to be me, like Stargirl was; she had the courage to be herself, and I want to have that too. This was just one little thing, just one little example, but something that if I work hard at, can really change my life.

What I learned from Stargirl has changed me and has given me hope and has told me how stupid I have been. I no longer want to doubt me and trust in a HIM as to what I need to be doing. She has made me want to embrace the star person inside me.



“May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies.”

<3  Erin Christina

This is me

The question is who am I?
Do I know that answer?
Yes, I know who I am,
I am a daughter of God.  My life has been blessed in so many ways.  I look around and see the friends that I have and know that without them I would be so lost right now.
I have my friends up here at school, and those friends back home and I miss so much.  And they have all blessed my life beyond belife.  I have several friends serving missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the majority of them get home this year!! It is pretty crazy to think that the two years have gone by so fast. 
It is crazy to think about who I was two years ago.  What I have done in the last two years and how much I have grown.  I have had many experinces that have shaped me to become who I am today.  There has been school, work, boys, spirital experinces, and many things. 
I may not be perfect, and I may not be the person who I wanted to be two years ago but the main point of it all is that I am who I am.  My life and my choiuces have made me this way and have taught me what I know now.  Some choices may have no been the smartest but there are some things that I cant seem to run away from.  Some choices I am trying to figuare out why they are happening. There are some desions I make and then I go back on them or totally change my mind. 
I am human.  I make mistakes, I have fears, I hurt, I cry, I rejoice, I have fun, I have depression, I have an eating disorder, I am shy, I love to cuddle, I am a flirt, I love holding hands, There is something wrong with my body, I am on birth control and embarissed about it, I have pain killers for the pain that comes around, I act tough, I dont like crying infrount of people, I can be very closed off and not open at all, I love it when people visit, I love it when people randomly text of pop up on facebook to talk, I love video games, I love my Heavenly Father, I am greatful for the attoning sacrifice that his son, Jesus Christ, my savior did for me, I love the church that I belong to, I believe that my church really is the only true church, I love the gosple and everything that I have been taugh since I was young, I have hopes, I have dreams, I have feelings, I have ambitions, I am want to be a teacher, a wife, a mother, I am a daughter of God, I am in love with life and everything that comes, I am just like everyone else, I am different from everyone else, I have never been in love, I want to know what it is like to be in love, I offered up my heart to two guys, one destroyed me, the other hasnt but has in so many different ways, I live in the moment, I try to plan out the future, There is so much about me that makes me who I am.  
There are times that I doubt my ambissions, that I doubt my dreams, that I doubt me all together, but I pull myself together to remember who I am and my great worth.
So there are so questions about things.  Boys, I have been used, I am putting my sheild back up again, I am sry, and I know it is not the best thing to do, but it is what I have to do.  Push through everyday and live my life and not be so open with people anymore.  If someday a guy comes along that doesnt use me and truely wants me then I will take my wall back down.  Mike is just an exsample of how stupid I have been.  Even after last summer I came back this winter with my mind set and back down from all that I worked for.  I told him that I wanted to be with him and I know that we never will, I wanted to fool myself.  I want him gone, Tami says rid him from my life, but there is still a little confusion about everything.  One day he will open his eyes and see what was infrount of him.  He talks about waisting time chasing girls spending like six weeks after one girl and it all being a waist.  Here I am, almost a year chasing one guy, doing things I hate because he likes them.  I am a safty.  He doesnt have to talk to me all the time to be ok.  Oh well.  That is what I have to say.  He is still one of my good friends. 
BUT I am going to live my life the way I want.  I am going to be the person I am.  I am going to stand up for what I know.  I am going to be me.  I am going to be more like Stargirl.  I am going to not change me to fit in for someone else.  If you dont like me then, oh well.  I am human.  I know who I am!  Do you?
Im gunna take my hydrocoden and do some reading.  Tomorrow is Friday.  Next week is the last full week of school. 


<3  Erin Christina