So this weekend was not the best weekend ever. Got to just love being sick. The whole seeing Mike thing. Dealing with the Hell that I am living in. Not to mention my depression has not been making life easy. There have been many nights of crying myself to sleep. Wishing I wasn’t alive. Praying for it all to end. Last night was the first night in a while that I have not cried myself to sleep. Natalia Angelica May came and visited me. He and her boy friend Kenji who I got know a little bit and totally approve of him. I believe the thing that made me like him so much was seeing how happy she is. I remember back home things were not the best, and I hated seeing her how she was, it hurt me seeing her hurt. It brings joy into my heart knowing and being able to see how happy she is. Also in a time that I have felt that everyone I have once loved has turned away from me she comes in just like nothing had ever happened and she brings that joy back that I have missed. I have not had such a good day in a while. We didn’t even do much but hang out and that really was enough for me. I suck at being a hostess but it was a good time. He is a good guy, I did feel bad how he kept paying for things I wanted to pitch in but never got the chance.
The time they were here I was also feeling really good, about an hour after they had left my body crashed and I went back to feeling yucky and my voice has to try hard to try to even get a sound out. It is a good thing that I am not in the elementary school this week hah.
I am giving my life a second shot for optimism. Whatever is suppose to happen, whatever Heavenly Father has planed will happen and I will be ready for it. I am just happy to be reminded that I am not alone. Natalia is one of my best friends and I am happy that we can still sit there and just laugh because we do know what the other is thinking. I am so grateful that they were able to make the trip out here. I don’t know if they will ever fully understand the true impact that made on my life and my thoughts and my doubts and my fears about a lot of different things.
We got Chinese food today and my fortune told me that this year I will be focused on my family or something like that. I thought about it and it is true in a way. It may not be my family back home but my future family. I am working a lot on myself. I want to be the best that I can be FOR THEM.
My heart is happy. I have my best friend back in my life. She might have never left, I still don’t know what really happened but I wasn’t going to ruin anything by asking questions like that, because none of that really matters to me as long as things can stay as there have become now and things can maybe go back to how they use to be with her and me.
I love Natalia Angelica May and hope to at the end of the semester spend some time with her before going home. And I do love Kenji, he is pretty dang cool.
<3 Erin Christina
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