Guess What Time it is...

Yes back pain time.
So where do I start....
My life is starting to feel like it is coming together again.  Though I find times that I let myself beat me down.  I know I can too much about what people think or I read into it too much but I really hate it when people get judgemental or they can do something but you cant.  I get marked down points because I am 2 min late for a group meeting, but do I say anything about how we are not doing what we are suppose to be doing the meeting.  NO.  I have been doing the work, I am the one that told them hey we are missing this work, and they even said "no that is not due yet" as I sat there with the sheet in my hand that said it was due on June 2nd....yea...not due yet, they know nothing.  I really want to tell my teacher, but I dont want to be the tateltail.  I will tell her at the end of the semester.  My group already treats me like crap or that I am stupid or something, I do so much in that group while others slack off, it is so unfair!! So that really got me upset today.

I talked with my bishop yesterday and he commented on how it looks like I am doing better (he doesnt know that for the last month I have been going to choir practice and sacriment and leaving and skipping the last two hours of church) and I do, I am starting to feel better.  The paper I wrote really helped me out a lot.  He also told me that he found Mikes bishop and talked to him.  I told him that Mike doesnt talk to his one up here, but the one back home and he found that out from him.  Mikes bishop doesnt believe anything that Mike is telling him and knows he does not have his life in order.  He just found out everything I already knew.  Oh well I guess.  Really and truely though I dont think I will ever stop loving him no matter how much I want to hate him, it is his life to live and his mistakes to make and his choices to choose what and what not to do.  I does brake my heart to know that he isnt doing what he is suppose to be doing and I want to blaim myself for that, but if it wasnt me, it would of been some other girl(s), it already was.

I love the 3rd graders.  It is so different then 1st grade but I am loving the experince.  I get to teach everyday in the class and work with small groups of students.  Some of them just crack me up, others I just wish I knew more to help them more.  I am excited for all that I am going to learn and how much I will grow and all that these students and the teacher will teach me.

I am such a pessimest and so hard and down on myself.  I am different, I know that I have been different since the day I was born, I mean there was a chance that I might not of been born.  Every mistake I alway hate myself for and beat myself down for.  I have horrabul self esteem and really do think sometimes the world is against me.  It is just something that has been there in my head growing up.  I was that kid people picked on and made fun of.  I was the fat kid.  I was the kid that didnt wear the cool clothes or do the cool things.  I am so hard on myself, I know it is bad, but it is not like I mean too, it just comes naturally.

I dont have a job when I go home.  Due to a new company policy because I only work aug-dec they cannot hire me unless I can work every 90 days to be a long term temp, and I cannot do that so they cannot hire me back.  When I was told that I just sat down and cried.  I loved this job so much.  It was my life and social life back home.  I LOVED my job, people complained but I loved it.  Teaching and clothes ... there is nothing else in my life and well I cant teach yet so now I am just empty. 

I keep on pushing.  I keep on trying.  I keep remembing to smile.  Just dont hate me when I cant write a happy blog.  This is where I get my feelings out and when I actuly to complain about things.  I dont say this stuff out loud and it has to come out some way, this is how I can keep being happy, by venting here. 

No one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it.

I love my missionarys, they give me strength every day.


<3  Erin Christina