There are times when I just want to be done with this dumb test life here on earth. There are times that I think this place has NOTHING left to offer me. There are times that I just feel like there is no one on the flipping planet that can give a rats ass (sry for the wording) about my life and anything in it.
No matter how much on the outside I seem like I am an optimist I really and truely am a pessimist. I hate the depression that at every turn in my life I just don't want it. I think the whole world is against me and wants me gone. I cannot stand other peoples happiness, how sad is that. I see people happy and I want to just die. It only makes matters worse for me living in an apt that everyone is in a relationship, I live in a life where it is not normal to be single and yet I am. I don't even get asked out on date and I don't know whats wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. What is wrong with me. What is my defect. Why can't I be happy. I try. I go into everyday with the mindset of being happy, but by the end of the day I just wish that Heavenly Fathers plan for me would be done and I can go home to him again.
I don't have anyone to talk to that wont just tell me to suck it up or thats life get over it.
I hurt inside. No one fully understands that. No one understands that there is something wrong with me that no matter how much I know that its life and I should get over it that something inside just keeps telling me I am worthless and better off dead. Yes it could be half satan telling me that, I know that I am still going though a lot but this has been in my life for a long time and as I am getting older it gets worse.
I hate me. I hate everything about me. I feel worthless. I feel alone. The only person that cares is Christ and my Heavenly Father. We were not ment to go on this life alone and hurting like this. We are suppose to have friends, but where are mine? They are all too busy with boyfriends and girlfriends. They are too busy decieding that I am not worth any of their time. They are too busy to even acknoledge that I am alive.
I miss Spencer. I got a letter from him today. It made my day. I love him so much, he is one of my best friends. But I know that soon after he gets home he will meet this beautiful girl. He will call me and tell me all about her, and that will be the last I hear from him until I get a wedding annoucement. How do I know this? It is my life. I have lost hope for most anything and everything in my life. I just don't even know what to do half the time anymore. I don't even want to try. I just want to be done. I don't see anything. I don't have anything to keep going for. I hate this. I hate all of it.
<3 Erin Christina
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...You have me. I thought you knew that. I understand how you feel, Erin. Honestly. The idea of facing Robert again is something I can't comprehend completely, because that letter he wrote to me where we tore me apart is still engraved in my soul. I always feel like I have something to improve on, that there's always better out there than me. the one person whose opinion mattered most, intentionally manipulated that trust, and used every flaw and emphasized them. I'm not going to tell you to suck it up, because I haven't completely sucked it up yet. I expect an apology from that guy. And I think Mike owes you an apology. Don't let his ridiculously putrid ways litter the images of all other guys out there. You deserve THE BEST, and you better know that. Some guy is going to come along and sweep you off of your feet, and he's going to be the most absolutely wonderful guy you have ever met. He'll come back to you, won't give up, and will hold on until the end of forever because he loves you for who you are. No MATTER what your PAST has been, YOU have a SPOTLESS FUTURE.
ReplyDeleteNever forget that. While today is hard, tomorrow can only get better. When you reach the bottom of a hill, you can only go up from there. I love you lots, Erin, don't forget that.
I hope I'm not in that category or people that has a boyfriend and doesn't acknowledge that you're alive. Because I do. BE GOOD, Erin. I love you lots. And don't give up.