Having No Luck (47)

I have a goal to be happy no matter what happens.  So through all the crappy customers at work, all the not getting enough hours, all the working days I really dont want to work, my way too kind of a heart, the still not making enough money, feeling sick all the time, the pain, the crazy work hours they are giving me, missing Idaho, missing the few friends I have down here that I never get to see anymore, never getting to go to family dinner on Sundays because of work...I am smiling through it.

You know lately, I have been having those nightmares about HIM.  I guess still missing and hating myself still at the same time.  I try to forget and MOVE ON.  But with all these nightmares I went to his facebook yesterday.  Yes he has privicy settings up but I can still look at the pictures he posts.  He has a new album, him and a girl and she is wear that claughda ring, the one that I remember him trying on me and fitting perfectly.  I am happy for him.  He found someone that he can really love and that he really wants to be with.  Someone that has hopefully made him change and be a better guy.  Something that I failed at.  I had wanted him more then anything so I gave him everything he wanted and in return I got nothing I wanted.  I wasnt the girl he needed.  He wasnt the guy I needed.  I just really hope she isnt letting him do anything bad, that they are both staying worthy.  He broke my heart, but I still want him to end up happy in the end, I still want him to be the priesthood holder he needs to me.  I really hope he has changed, not just for himself but for her salvation as well.

I think this can really help me move on.  I never really stoped loving him.  Deep down I hoped to run into when I got back and that he would want me again. 

I KNOW that I made the right choice.  I did what was right for the both of us.  I lost a best friend and ended up broken, but I did what was right.  I will ALWAYS stand by that choice.  I do not regret it at all. 

I wake up every morning with all those things listed at the start of this post and really dont want to get up.  But I do!! I roll out of bed and start my day.  I smile knowing that my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  He is proud of all the choices that I am making that are helping me get closer to returning to live with him again.  I want to make him proud of me.  I go through each day, it may not be easy, but I do my best.  I can feel him guiding me through each day.  I can feel him wipping away my tears.  I can hear him telling me it will all be alright.  My life is in his hands.  I know that as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing everything will be all right.

Well. Gotta get a move on with this life.  Cheering on the Rangers tonight.

<3  Erin Christina