I

Miss my best friend.
and
guess
I kinda hope
she misses me too
and
I feel
kinda bad to doubt that she wouldnt
I just havent
been having the best time since she moved
and it is just me
to think the worst in every situation.
Best friend,
If you read this
I hope you know I am sry for everything that did happen.
I know we both have been really stressed.
I love you and your in my prayers.
8 days till I am gone!

<3 Erin Christina

Here is to the Battle

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye



I look off into the sunset
the feeling of what and where I am supposed to be is strong.
We all have place to go and people to meet, to help us grow.

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

I don't like always having to leave and having to move and have friends that I don't always get to see and be with and hear their voice. But I know where I go is where I am supposed to be.
I try in everytihng I do to always remember who I am and where I am going. I take that step into the dark with the Lord on my side, and my friends around me supporting me in what I do.
Things change and you have to hold on tight to what you know and push on out and follow that little light.

Life is a battle feild, we always have new choices and obsticals in our way. I move around and escape from places so I can think, so I can breathe. I don't run away from my problems, but I move to grow and gain the most out of life that I can. Some may say that I am not doing what is best for me, but I do feel that I am.

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

I will never lose hope in you. Please don't lose hope in me. I am lost without those who I love. I will always come home. This is home no matter what I want to think. I will always come home. Just call me if you need me. I will always be here for you. I might be in a totally different state far far away, but I will always be here.

So as I am leaving .. I am not a goodbye person. I will see you again .. I am always here .. don't forget that!

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

<3>

whatever

I'm still gaining weight. Sometimes I just hate life. Sometime I just I was dead. This is one of those sometimes.

<3 Erin Christina

Count Me Out

Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I'm dumb? Do you think I don't notice? For your FYI I am more observant then I let people think I am. I notice EVERYTHING .. every lie, every fib, all those thing you don't think I realize, well, I'm not dumb, I just choose not to say anything. It hurts!! That knife you have that is covered in blood from my back that you just keep stabbing. You call yourself a friend and yet you can turn and come back so easily. I am not one to be used and am sick of it. When you grow up come back and talk to me. Until then. I will just be here living my life being me. If you don't like me, OH WELL. Your a hypocrite, because I know people that you are totally fine with that are worse then me. So thanks from throwing away a friendship over your own selfishness. I'm not one to be used. You cannot be mad and hate me then well you FEEL like it you can talk to me again. I don't roll that way. Sorry.

<3 Erin Christina

A Journey

Left at 12:30am Friday morning.
Got there at 11:11pm Friday night.

Traveled with my best friend.

She is gone and moved now.

There was more to this trip then met the eye.

I am who I am.

I feel the way I feel.

My hopes, My dreams, My thoughts, My emotions.

Traveling from Southlake, Texas to Provo, Utah.

Driving non-stop there.

It was an adventure.

I was reminded how much I miss being up there. I love the north. I know that one day I want to move up north. Who knows where or when, but there is where I want to live my life. Out in the open, the Mts., the STARS! I love it all.

The worst part about the weekend is that I feel not good enough for my best friend. She made me feel like because I am not perfect that I am a horrible person. She made me feel like she doesn't care that I am trying, because I fell and said and did something that wasn't the best that I am the worst person in the world. It hurt. I am not perfect. I got into bad habits of things for a while that I have come A LONG WAY with. Just because someone slips once doesn't make them a follower of the devil, doesn't call to be lectured, doesn't call for anything but an apology between them and their father in heaven, who has been with them through the habit and now trying the brake the habit. Shouldn't it only matter that they are trying their best, that they know that they did something wrong, that they are working on it. Please don't put me down and lecture me on things that I am not the only one in the world that messes up on them. When you yourself are perfect and don't falter in some of the same areas as me then don't make me feel like I am going to hell for calling a car a bad name when you yourself a few days earlier were cussing. It hurts when you think so lowly of me, when I know that we are not all perfect and we are all working.

I had the best time with my best friend.

She really is the greatest and such a blessing in my life.

So we traveled to Utah. I got to see wide open places and enjoy the beauty that GOd created for us. It felt good to get out of my house, away from all that is there. This weekend I was happy. The happiness I feel every time I leave for school-speaking of I even went back and how wonderful and happy it was.

When the good out weighs the bad, which way do you turn?

When you look for an answer and guidance but the one who has always been there has lately telling you to do things that are not helping? Who do you go to?

After such an amazing weekend full of seeing temples and people and BEING HAPPY I came home to this. This life that I have just been going through the motions in.

Should I move?

Do I belong here?

Or

Am I the one placing myself away from it all, putting myself in the bubble, so therefor I don't feel welcome.

WELL. I don't care if he has his reasons or not. I WILL NOT put up with him degrading me any longer. For someone who "preaches" about family all the time and everyone tells me how wonderful of a person he is I cant help but look back at them and say you haven't truly seen him then. So I don't care what he is trying to do to me or create. Someone should never treat someone the way he treats me. NO MATTER WHAT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG. He says there is a fight BUT WHAT FIGHT! If you place something publicly you give it to the world to take, there is no privacy about what is said to me AND ANYONE can speak their mind, more so those people who have seen THE REAL you. The past is the past .. you seem to be the only one living in it, and hurting YOUR OWN sister. You are stuck with her for eternity. How can you not practice what you preach. YOUR WIFE has to get on to you for the way you treat your sister. What does that say. Maybe you should look back on what your doing, think first. Because I am going to just say it and you will HATE IT, but you are turning into your father! I am done with you saying crap and saying sorry just because YOU WIFE TOLD YOU SO. You wont ever stop. You wont ever just move on. Your wife and your sister has, but you have not.

I AM DONE!

If you ever grow up then talk to me again.

But good riddance to this life I am forced to live through.

3 weeks and 1 day I am gone and out of here and if things go my way I WONT be back unless my family wants me home for the holidays.

Until I can enjoy being with my family rather then hurt and always blamed for everything I can't do it. I am gone.

I want to move. Move in with Natalia like she wants me too, like Kris has said I should.

It is time for this bird to spread her wings and not come home like she is trained too.

Yea feel free to start a fight at the dinner table about this one .. I AM SPEAKING MY MIND! YOUR JUST TRYING TO HURT ME AND BRING ME DOWN.

<3 Erin Christina

this is

Ok so I told myself to never post a blog in a bad mood. So all the things I wanted to vent about I have worked through my head at work, because when I'm not closing with any of my good friends it gets boring fast if you don't keep your mind going.

In 11 hours Natalia and I leave for Utah. Going to the temple on Saturday. An adventure on Sunday. I leave on Monday. It is a short trip BUT I am helping my bestie move.

In 27 days I leave Texas and go to Utah to have New Years with Natalia! And Jan 2nd I go back up to Rexburg.

I am ready. I need to be back out of my house and living again. I am cutting it close on money. I have $1,218.20 left to pay off of school (tuition and books) and I do not think I will make it :( but I am going to try my best.

When I get home from Utah I have 3 weeks and 2 days until I leave. So 3 weeks left to live here and then I am gone for 7 months. I hate to say it (ok I don't hate to, I am kinda happy to say it) that I wish it was sooner! But I need the money so I stay here and work.

Hopefully soon I will have the money that Kohls owes me .. because I NEED it to pay for school.

So I might write up a blog post that I want to write when I have time .. like an 18 hour car ride type of time .. though im sleeping for like 4 or 5 of those hours .. or who knows if either of us will sleep ... HAH.

Well, I had stuff to say but I guess I am not in the best writing mood right now. But that is just an update on my life.

I am ready to keep moving forward and put my life in drive, because I am kinda stuck in park and cannot take it any longer!!

<3 Erin Christina

So my body thinks I'm Prego

broght on by a conversation that me and one of the coolest co-workers I have were having. funnyest qoute of last night "are you a vergin ... wait ... DUH yes you are!! I even helped you fill out the paper work!!" Victoria is one of my favorite people at work. So I started taking my pill sunday. And like magic on monday my period had stoped .. yes like MAGIC . or they turned off the fosset ot something. Everything seems to be going like what the doc said. The things it is supposed to be helping is helping. I will have little cramps here and there but not as intense as the past month has been. I am not feeling as bloated as I have been. So things are wonderful? Kinda. I am so nasiated when I take the pill. I have to eat with it or I feel worse faster. When I do get hungry the sick feeling gets worse. Dizzy and blahness. "Well your body thinks your prego!!" This so makes me look forward to having kids. I know how I am going to feel. My kids better love me for just not getting sergery done and taking away their opertunity for life just so i can feel better. BUT my body will soon adjust to all this and relze it is not prego and will soon no longer feel sick and what not. Gotta keep praying and just pushing through all these effects. Soon soon I hope These effects will wear off .. or Tali and I's trip to Utah will not be fun with a sick prego girl. ^_^
PS I'm not pregnant. My body just thinks that, dont worry, no roomers please. Though it is a joke at work that I'm the next Vergin Mary! HAH! I love my co-workers! Anyways. That is all for now. Just thought I would let you all share in the whole Erin feeling sick thing. I know I'm not but it is making things kinda difficult for me. But I'm a tough cookie to crack and I keep going through whatever life throws at me.
GOTTA LOVE LIFE!!

<3 Erin Christina

I Remember

I don't know why this has been on my mind, but it has all morning.

I remember the first time I saw you. The teacher called your name. I looked and thought hey he's kinda cute.
I remember you making comments on the pictures we were looking at and infering the meaning, and I remember me either challenging them or agreeing.
I remember though a few classes how you slowly moved closer in on the row. I remember the day when you sat with one chair between us. I looked at you and shook my head "What? Do I smell bad? Are you afraid I bite? Well I don't unless you aske me too, so you can sit in the seat next to me." And as you got up to move you said, "Well it's hard to get up the currage to sit next to a pretty girl." I blushed and tired so hard not to smile, I think I responded with a "pasha" or "whatever" From there on out, we sat by eachother. I remember you making fun of me when I couldn't remember what row we sat in. Or the comments that Bekah and I made under our breath about what was going on in the class.
I remember that first day you sat next to me, and asked if Bekah and I wanted to watch the Odysee with you, that we could all do it together. You wrote it on the top of my notes. I also remember ripping that corner off so it was no longer there.
I remember feeling achevied that you asked us to watch it all together, becuase I had been trying to hint at it.
I remember going to devo with you that day. I remember writing notes back and forth with Bekah. I remember you seeing what we were writting and I knew you knew. I remember her asking me if I liked you or though you were cute, and I did the hand sign for kinda sorta.
I remember talking about how hungry we were in class and after devo you said you were paying and we were we wanted to go. We ended up going to wendeys.
I remember not wanting to sit in the frount, I was scared to. I remember that day it was windy outside. I remember walking to to the resterount and opening the door and my dress FLEW UP. I was totally 100% imbarissed! Did he see anything? Oh My Gosh!! That did not just happen did it?! I remember the rest of the day I had my hands holding down my dress.
I remember talking to you while eating. You served you mission where I was born. We started talking about Canada and candy and wonderful things. I remember finding out you were missing a leg. I remember how werid I felt around you. I didn't want to ask, I didnt know how to act, I didn't know what to say anymore. I didn't know that I would grow to be so comfortable around you.
I remember sitting there at Bekahs apt and she sat in the middle with the laptop you on one side of her and me on the other. I remember you put your arm up, I thought it was going around Bekah. Until I felt you running your fingers on my back/sholder. My whole body froze. I had to tell myself to focus on the movie. Don't react. I have trained myself to do that.
I remember you took me home from Bekah's so I didn't have to walk home.
I remember us pulling up and then you asking me on a date. A movie you had talked about how you were seeing it and I would then comment "OMGsh I SOOOOOO want to see that!" Yea I'm a treckie! I answered you fast then changed my mind. I'm afraid of dates, what can I say. You took my phone and put your number in it, then called yourself so you could have mine.
I told you it depends on Homework. I told my roommates and they told me I better go or they will be mad at me.
I remember I stayed up late wednesday so I could get enough of my homework done so I could go on the date with you.
I remember you stopping me after class on thursday because I didn't text you saying yes or no. I knew you could tell I was awkward. You aske if we are still on, I said yes, and you said I don't have too, but I said yes. You smiled so big.
I remember my roommates made you come to the door, they wouldn't let me out unless you came to pic me up.
I remember you were wearing shorts and flipflop...which made the date harder, becuase I was soooo awkward about the leg thing. I didn't know that it would grow to be something that was one of those little things that just made you even better to me.
I remember you kept trying to find out if I would react by you rubbing my arm and things like that. .. it all became a game, to the both of us. Durring the movie you turned to me and said in a scottish accent "if you get scared my hand is here to hold." You brought up holding your hand twice.
I remember after the movie you tried to tell me everything about me. And you were wrong. You may have heard me talking about missionarys, but none of them are MINE, just amazing friends. It wasn't a pitty date, I'm just date awkward. You did have a chance with me. I was just in my awkward phase. You may be able to read lots of people, but you couldn't read me at first. I block people out. I remember telling myself letting you in was the biggest mistake I made, because you soon figuared me out. I remember the night you telling me you did.
I remember the first time it was just you and I doing homework together. I fell asleep durring the video and you finshed it. You jut let me sleep there. I remember the next day us having that text conversation. I remember saving that 4 page text. I remember deleting it when I got home from school. I remember the butterflys.
I remeber the first time you held my hand.
I remeber the excuses I made up so you would come over and help me with homework in my technology class. I remeber that day that my flow was so heavy and I ran out of tampons and I leaked and had to call in val if she had any. She came back out and told you thats what happened.
I remember conversations me and my roommate had about you after you would leave. They loved you. They thought we were perfect for eachother. So they thought.
I remember the first time we kissed. How 2 laps around the block before you kissed me, you told me that you care so much about me that you werent going to kiss me. That made me respect you so much more.
I remember how I felt. we stoped and and I turned about and said something to you. There was silance. Time froze. My heart started pounding. You grabed my waist and kissed me. You had to come down a bit and I had to go to my tip toes. My foot poped for a few seconds but my whole body went weak and I was relying on you to hold me up. I remember biting my lip and blushing after you kissed me. I remember there was stars. I remember the place. I remembered the kiss every time we walked past it. I remeber on that last walk how I wanted to stop and tell you where we were standing. I remember the reason I didn't kiss you that night. You knew I wanted too, you told me too, but I wasn't going to kiss you because I wasn't going to kiss an ash tray, you had been smoking and I would not kiss you.
I remember getting home the night after we first kissed and my roommate going crazy. They knew we had kissed because well, I was glowing.
I remember how you respected me. How it made me feel. How you treated me different then any guys before. How you werent all over me. How it took a while for us to kiss and a kiss didn't just turn to a makeout with you. You were like no other guy.
I remember having the converstion about how scared we were about how fast we were falling. I remember making out in the movie theature when we went to go see wolveren. And also again when we went to the park that night I pushed you down on the slide and kissed you. I remember that was the first time I called you my Edward. That was also the night that I gave you my key and you gave me you knot. You said this is what I will have so you can always be there for me, until you go home and get what you wanted from there to give me.
I remember every feeling I had.
I remember how I played my game. How I would stand there and just look at you when I wanted a kiss. I remember knowingly doing these small little things to get things from you. I remember playing my little game, I remember not feeling bad for doing what I did. I remember that I was CRAZY about you. I remember you were the first guy I ever trusted. I remember not fully understanding why I played the game when I felt this way about you.
I remember the texts when you went home for the 4 day weekend. I remember what you brought back. I knew you had it. I knew that is what you got when you got home. I remember you holding me and telling me you were so happy to be back, because you had missed me, you had never missed anyone that way before, not even your family when you were on your mission. I remember that scared me.
I remember you telling me to close my eyes and you took off my rings and put another one on, perfect you whispered. I knew it was the claddagh ring. You told me to ask and you told me all about it, and that it wasn't mine ... yet.
I remember almost every conversation we had. I remember walking home from class. I remember all the prayers I said. I remember all the feelings I felt. I remember all of MY lines we crossed, that you said were ok. I remember how I came to trust you. I remember looking into your eyes and knowing I could. I remember falling asleep every night holding onto the knot. I remember the nights I couldn't sleep because something was wrong with you.
I remember the tears I shed over you. I remember all the blogs I wrote, all the letters and jurnal entries. I remember the feelings of hate I had for that Lauren girl. I remember how over time you told me you were kinda starting to like her too.
I remember it all, all the things you think I didn't know and how I knew them. All the times that you weren't telling the full truth. I remember feeling us drift apart. But I remember how panicted you got when I told you WE HAVE TO TALK, because you think of the worst thing first, just like me.
I remember the more you opened up, the more I fell. I remember seeing everyside of you, you telling me that you don't ever do this with people. I remember seeing you cry on a few occasions. I remember when you were crashing when we went to the ice caves because your blood sugar level was down. I remember how scared I was. I remember you told me that you were on your way to IF to see the doctor and wouldnt make it to class because you broke your foot (the fake one) and I couldn't do anything becuase I was in IF at the airport going home for my brothers wedding. I remember you had to call me. You knew I would start flipping out.
I remember all the good, and all the bad. I remember the last time I saw you and you droped me off after taking me to the post office, I didn't give you a hug, I didn't say goodbye, I got out and said "Thanks" and I for the fist time I didn't turn around, I just walked to my door.
I remember all the times that we couldn't say goodbye or goodnight. How you would honk at me or whistle as I walked about from your car. I remember all the meals we made, I remember how I loved to hear you pray. I remember our studing for our tests in class.
I remember when I started to feel awkward again.
I remember wishing so hard for you to rip my heart and out crush it. You knew it was there, and I knew you couldn't take it.
I remember I knew when you were doing something you weren't supposed too, like smoking again. I remember just knowing something was wrong. I remember feeling horrible when you weren't happy and things were going wrong.
I remember fasting and praying for you.
I remember everything that happened with us. I remember it all.
I remember hating you, but the moment we were together I just couldn't any more.
I remember the last converstation we had that last walk we went on. The promise we made that we wouldn't talk of us. That we could be friends. That who knows in a few months, it could be the right time for us.
I remember getting home and my brother going off about how much he hates you. I remember holding back the tears. I remember him wanting to rip the knot off. I remember him telling me I was stupid. I remember him saying how he wanted to beat up the criple.
I remember the mistakes I made from states away.
I remember the texts, the weekend I went crazy because we were texting nonstop. I remember the pics I sent you, the pics you sent me. I remember the feelings I felt. I remember lying to you. I remember sitting there texting you through a movie with a friend, texting that should not have been done.
I remember thinking, in just wanting you so bad that I compromised all the things I was supposed to be to you. That good person who doesn't make you fall back into old habbits. I remember talking to my bishop after that weekend. I didn't tell him about the texts or the pics. I remember telling him how I felt about you. I remember him ripping you apart. I remember him telling me I don't know how to pray.
I remember typing up many texts and not sending them. I remember typing up a bunch of letters and not sending them. I remember taking off the knot for a day and couldn't do it. I remember the letter I typed up and how I felt after Natalia sent it. I remember the responce you gave me...

"When ur back here well talk bout it. I'm not asking u to wait for me and I'm not waiting for u. Lots has changed in past few months."

I'm not the same person I was back then either. I have grown and I know now that I wasn't emotionly stable enough for a relationship, I didn't know me well enough, I liked to fool around and flirt, and I wasn't ready to date anyone.
I dont know if we are going to be with eachother. I don't know if you still wear my key or think of me. I don't know what I am going to say when I see you agian. Do I take the knot off ahead of time and be prepared to give it back. I can say it will be a relife. We both have grown and lots have changed.
I remember telling you once, that you were too good to be true in my life, my life doesn't get YOUs. I'm not the type of girl your type of guy goes for. I think I am right. This whole thing was too good to be true.

So here is to in a few weeks when I will be back in Rexburg. I will see you again. It will either be happy, or it will be sad. But I will remember, I will remember it all.

<3 Erin Christina

Don't Know if you Care

I had my doctor appt last week. and the best part (not really) about it was 2 hours before the appt the wonderful gift that each woman gets that lets us all know someday she will be able to have a child came. yay!

But I still went in and talked to my doctor, I really like her, I felt comfortable.

I told her everything that goes on, and she said it could be one of three things, and that the "cure" for all of them is birth control. Yup thats right, if I wanted to say screw it to all my beliefs right now, I am protected from getting prego! HAH. The doctor had to say all the things that the birth control will do for me and what not and every time she came to something about sex she had to add in "...not that this applies to you..." It kinda made me laugh.

So the birth control is supposed to help the pain. Though I know it is not going to take it all away, though I wish it would, but as long as it is less intense. It should help with the flow, since mine is fricken heavy. It will regulate me because my period is just like me, not like everyone else! It should balance out my hormone levels so no more flipping out over trail mix or little things, I wont be on edge anymore. There are other things it should be helping with too. Like if I do have ovarian cysts it should help get rid of those. or if it is one of the other things that she said, where when i bleed it gets out and goes around my uterus -- or something like that .. it was a really long word. Both of those things are what I have the symptoms for. I am really hoping the birth control works, or well we get to have tests run, and well I don't have time, I leave in 44 days.

This morning I woke up and felt like I was going to throw up. I haven't thrown up since high school freshman year. I got my wisdom teeth out and the stuff made me sick. my body doesn't like to throw up, but I was gagging over the toilet and went pale. I spit a few times and felt better. I am hoping and praying its not the birth control doing it, but I will have to wait a week or so to see if I get sick off of this or if it is just the fact I ate too much at our Non-Thanksgiving dinner last night.

Just so you know, I'm not dying, at least we don't think so. These cramps still hurt and my back as well, but hopefully that will go away soon. ^_^

Pressing forward with faith in my Heavenly Father, everything will work out according to his plan.

<3 Erin Christina

For Good

All things happen for a reason. Everything is part of the Lord great and wonderful plan. No matter how painful something might be, an eternal perspective must be taken.

At times you might feel like you are limited, that there isnt anything you can do. that you are locked in a box and have no way of choosing anything, because there is nothing.
Its normal to compare out lives to others and wish that we could have that power and strength that they have. That they are free to do and choose whatever they want.

I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do!
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...


A friend isnt just given to you for no reason. Each person in your life is for a reason, to teach you something new, or strengthen a truth you knew all along, or bring out the you that you never thought you could be. TRUST, COMMUNICATION, HOPE, FAITH, HEART, BELIFE, COMPASSION, SMILE, LOVE... the list goes on and on and on.


I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
I came home no knowing where my life was going to be placed in the huge mess of what our singles ward is. Would I be sitting alone? Was coming home dumb? Would I spend all my free time just laying in my bed looking on how unimportent my life is? Would I have any friends in this ward? Most of the time the college kids are friends and in the group with those of their school, no one wants to mess with those who arnt in the ward for that long. FIVE MONTHS I am forced to be here in this place, in this ward where people look at me always judging, where roomers are their favorite past time, where I am invisable to most people. BUT I gave my trust to the Lord, if I was supposed to come home it was for a reason. I was falling apart up at school and had no support. I had those friends, but what I was going through I just couldnt be helped. There are people in the world meant to impact you, and you have to give them the chance!! I don't know how it happened, it was almost like it happened over night, but I went from just a friend to BEST FRIENDS with an amazing spirit. Someone who I knew I would hate to leave by going back to school, but it seems she is the one leaving first.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

How do you say goodbye to a friend like this. To someone how has changed your life. Someone who helped you be who you are, and what you were ment to be. Someone who taught you so many things, and grew to be your best friend, and once they arent there any more what is there here? LIVE LIFE. DONT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OR SAY. BE YOURSEFLF. YOU WERE MADE TO BE YOU NOT SOMEONE ELSE.

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

BUT who gives anyone the right to take someone out of someones life? You are the one who chooses to stay friends and keep it going. What is distance. So many friends all over the world and not a day goes by that they arnt on my mind. That I dont take the time out to talk to them. It can work. A friend is someone who comes into your life, and is there all your life, UNLESS you choose to let them go. My life has been rethought about and brought into light and worth has been remembered.
Because I know you NATALIA ANGELICA MAY
I have been changed for good

I cannot wait till our Utah trip, I cannot wait till January when we will be four hours away. I cannot wait for our Idaho/Utah trips and partys , I cannot wait to continue on this adventure called life with you in the seat of best friend. No matter where we are in the world, you have placed your hand on my heart, and I hope I have done the same in your life.

Here is to life, and that of it that hasnt been lived yet, and to sharing it with such an amazing friend, in both of our adventures!

<3 Erin Christina

This is how homework sounds when done at Midnight

This last summer in my English 311 class I wrote a paper on how permissive parenting can affect a child and through research I came to the conclusion that the way that I child is raised effects how they grow up and act in many different aspects of their life, school being one of them. When reading my research proposal my teacher asked what this had to do with being a teacher, how it affected the classroom, and my response was simply that to understand why a child acts the way they do, its important to see where they are coming from.
In chapter seven there are examples of students coming from different households, backgrounds, and parents which affects each student and is reflected in their actions. Every teacher will have students like this, there are no exceptions, if you are a teacher, you will have students who cause trouble or are just plain trouble and you need to understand why and how to be able to help the child grow and progress. A good quote to keep in mind when thinking about how to act with the students who seem to be troublesome was said by Russell M. Nelson about tolerance. “We must recognize at the outset that there is a difference between tolerance and tolerate. Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed.” It really is shared there about handling a student who acts out, we must be patient with them and help them understand what they are doing is wrong, but cannot just let it slide by that they are misbehaving. Really something like this has to be thought about by the teacher on how to handle. Everyone can have a different and correct way to deal with a student.
“The most important characteristic students looked for in their teachers was “caring”. Students evaluated their teachers’ level of caring by the time they dedicated to their students, their patience, how well they prepared their classes, and how they, made class interesting”. The book sated that in chapter eight when it talked about Teachers, School, and Caring. It is my belief that we as teachers need to have a good strong relationship with our students. They trust us, as long as they believe they can. We really are judged. I knew what teachers I could and couldn’t talk to, what rooms I felt more comfortable in, the classes I enjoyed going too. As the student trusts us and knows they are safe, the parents will as well trust. I cannot fully explain it in my words but rather let Russell M. Nelson close out my thoughts with one short quote that really says it all about parent teacher relationship. “Parental love includes gratitude for service extended to any of their children, especially in their time of need.




<3 Erin Christina

Sunday School

What a day today was.
I am so blessed to be alive.
For starters, I have spent now 2 full days with Natalia and going to for the 3rd sleepover in a row with her. I love this Chick TO DEATH!!! I might just die when she leaves in less then a month. DIE I SAY!!
Now to my day.
Really it all comes down to sunday school today at church.
Today we talked about the priesthood and blessings. I had left the class because we all know how I have been sick lately and I just can't take it any more. My hormones are all outa wack. I snap at the smallest thing and am totally on edge with any/everyone.
So I walked back into class and Natalia is sharing a story about a priesthood blessing. She had told me the story before and so I knew what we were talking about in the class. I was totally consumed by the spirit. I could not control my emotions. My hand shot up at one point because I had to share my thoughts on priesthood blessings.
Yes everyone talks about the wonderful mericals they have had from blessings of healing .. I mean, my life is a true fact about one of those. When my mom was pregnate with me there were complications. My mom was loosing lots of blood and was sick. My father gave her a blessing and in that blessing she has the choice of keeping the baby and getting rid of the baby. Her pregnacy wasnt easy, but she chose to keep the unborn child. And I was born. Sry thats like the super cliff note version of it. But really the story is better coming from my mom. I think I will ask her to tell me of it again.
From other posts you know how hard it is for me to ask for a blessing. I dont know why but I just cant ask a guy to give me a blessing. My reason isnt good enough. It is not blessing worthy. I am scared to death that something might be wrong with me. I really just want them to tell me that I am crazy and to go see someone about mental issues becuase I am perfectly normal and being a baby and its all up in my head.
There are posts I am sure that dive into detail about what life was for me back at the start of the year. The warrent for the arrest. The fights with my dad. The fights with Ryan. The fight with Jonathan. Having no family basicly. Ryan disowned me as his sister. I was going through depression to the point of sitting in the bath tub one day considering how to kill myself. YES I WAS THINKING THAT!! I was lost and didnt know what to do anymore. I just could not take the trial i was going through, I was not strong enough and I was failing. I was bawling. I got out and dressed and tried to stop crying. I opened the door and my roommate Jess was there and I fell into her arms crying. She asked me if she wanted her to call Sam for a blessing (btw, this girl herslef was a blessing to me. I dont know what I would of done without her) I said yes. Sam came over and gave me a blessing. HE KNEW NOTHING of the warrent, of the fights and the disowning of family. BUT Sam said what needed to be said to me. He said what I needed to hear. What he said TRUELY was a blessing from Heavenly Father and him being the mouth peice. There were things said about my dad, "everything will be alright" those words stuck with me for the semester. I believed them. Everything didnt get better right off the bat BUT they did get better, slowly, but they got better.
Where would I be without the priesthood? I dont even want to think about it. I dont use it as much as I should, I know, and it is something that one day I will learn to use to my advantige when I do need a blessing.
After class, with tear filled eyes, I went to Grant and Seth and asked for a blessing of comfort. The lesson to day was a real eye opener and slap in the face telling me I needed one.
I am SCARED TO DEATH about my appointment on thursday. But I know what they find is something to help me. Yea, it could be a cyst, there could be something wrong with the way my body works, WHO KNOWS. But my blessing today brought peace. What happens, is to teach me. Heavenly Father doesnt like seeing me in pain, and what the docter finds out will help me to not hurt anymore. The things that happen to me will help me learn and grow. I need to go into this appointment with my head held high, and what the doc tells me is what it is. There is something to learn, maybe someone I am supposed to teach and help through this in their life. I teach through experince. The spirit teaches me and helps me understand, the pain, the sorrow, the joys, everything through me going through it. "The Lord will help you to find those who have the need and enable you to recongnize how you may assist them."
So yet again, Heavenly Father is preparing me for something new to learn. I mean, the spirit teaches me everyday. So come on life, throw me your best shot. I know everything will be alright. Through the blessing Grant gave me today and my P.B. I have the strength the face Thursday, and get better.
I love the priesthood. This is my testimony. The blessings are from God, and he knows what we need to hear even if the person who is giving the blessing doesnt.
I love this church I am apart of, it has blessed me in many ways, many, MANY ways.
I would be lost without this guidence I have for this day and age. I love my Heavenly Father and my family and my friends who strengthen and lift me up. And for those worthy priesthood holders who are able to give me a blessing in my time of need, to hold me together, to keep me going, to hold strong.
I love you all.

<3 Erin Christina

Why is it so hard to tell someone you like them

Why can't I tell someone that I like them.
Why do I hold on to the past.
It is over, why do I still hope there is something there.
I don't know why I pull myself away.
I know there is no way any guy could like me.
I do not want to get hurt.
I do not want to hurt a friendship.
I leave in like 2 months .. under that but oh well.
I like a guy.
I smile.
I get butterflies.
I get scared.
I pull myself out of a situation.
I run away.
....It is just my personality and his personality.

I got to teach today in the ESL classroom.
there was a sub and I kinda took over once I got there, helping out the sub and she just let me go with it. It felt so good. I know how the class is run. I have observed for 3 weeks and I know how Leslie does the story and the rules of the classroom. So I jumped in and did the work with the class and I feel so accomplished. It felt so right and I FINALLY got the class to respond to me. They partcipated and they answered my questions and they did not hang me out to dry like they did my first day when Leslie had me just jump in and read the story with her 4th period after seeing how she did it with her 3rd period.
It was just amazing the experince I had today. I loved every last min of it. I am going to be a teacher someday and cannot wait to teach. It feels so right and my life has been bless in many ways through the time I have spent doing my practicum hours for my class.

OK so I have to go and give Grant the back massage that I promised that I would give him now that he is back. Plus if I lay in his bed much longer I will end up falling asleep in here .. and well that just wouldnt be good would it .. HAH!!


<3 Erin Christina

What do I want to write

I have lots of things running around in my head.

Thought that I wish I didn't have running around up there.

My faith has been totally in-trusted with my Heavenly Father. I know I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for him and the blessing that he has given me.

It is weird though, the last two weeks I have been more down on myself then I have in a long time. I haven't felt like I am worth much or cared about. I see myself walking down the hallway of the church alone. Sitting in a classroom all alone. I don't put myself there .. people put me out, I sit down and no one sits next to me. Then people get mad at me for sitting alone...whatever, church isn't supposed to be a social thing, it is to feel the spirit and learn teachings of the Lord and to grow closer to him.

I am so good at faking a smile. I am like a PRO at it. Like really, you would never know that I am dead on the inside, even looking into my eyes -- they lie.

I have now had one month of cramps. I hurt while I am sitting here typing this. I have been bloated for a month now as well. 1 week and 2 days till my doctor appointment.

My best friend is probly moving to Utah in 2 1/2 weeks...yay. I am so happy for her if it works out. I know how much better it is for her up there, it makes me happy to see her so happy. I dont want to be all sad and wollow in self pitty becuase something amazing is going to happen for her. It hurts, but hey church will now end an hour early for me, becuase I wont got to RS, I hate it already. I should be used to good things being taken away from me, though for the first time I didn't take this good thing for advantige. Come the time she moves, I will no longer have a social life, because well face it, the singles ward is that warm and welcoming and inviting at all. When I have a Tuesday or Wednesday of Friday or Saturday night off work, I spend it in my room -- well at least the last 2 weeks since Nat has been in Utah, which really shows that yea, that has been my social life, we are connected at the hip when we are both off work (at least thats kinda how I feel, I not talking about her -- for all I know she probly finds me the world most annoying person.) So knowing that she is moving feels like she is being RIPPED apart from me. She is moving 4 hours from Rexburg, which is where I am for 7 months of the year. SO I am flipping excited and happy. It however comes back to 5 months I am stuck here alone.

Sorry, I had to write out those feelings, believe me Nat I am so flipping happy for you, everything I have told you I mean 100% with every good thing, there is always a little pain, I just needed it out so I wouldnt hold on to it.

I know I am blessed.

I dont know what else I wanted to write right now, hunger has hit, its lunch time.

Write Later.

<3 Erin Christina

So I seem to keep putting off

A Blog Post.
Why do I keep putting a new one off.
It is not because there has been nothing to talk about, because really there is LOTS.
So much that I have to update here.
My life has been consumed by things. Sometimes I just dont know where the time goes.
-----------------TMI POST-------------just thought I would say so you dont complain---------
Last week had to have been one of the worst weeks of my life. Ok not life but every night ended me crying myself to sleep. I finally have a doctors appointment and I am scared to death. I have been told by a few people they think I might have a cyst on an ovary. It is scary to think that this pain I have been going through could be something MORE then just that how my body reacts to my monthly (bi monthly) gift that allows me to someday have children. As I sit here writting that I am still in pain. Why is the pain not gone yet. I have been hurting all month. I have been putting off a priesthood blessing as well. What am I supposed to tell them, oh it is cramps and back pains. I just never know when it is proper to ask for a blessing. When I am not abusing the power these men hold for selfish reasons.
So that is a little bit on the pain part of my life, I go to the doctor on Nov. 12, and it just cannot get here fast enough.
Next step in Erin's life is the sleeping.
I sleep for 2 hours, I wake up, fall back asleep and every hour after that I wake up. People at work notice me getting worse and worse, bags under my eyes getting darker and darker. 2 jobs, an online class, and survis hours. Thats my life, am I pushing to hard. . I don't think I am.

I start to think, what lesson is Heavenly Father trying to teach me now. I am such a stubborn spirit I learn through trial. I will know something but wont really start to live it and do it until it slaps me in the face that this is how it is.

I dont want to get up in the mornings. I am just so done with living my life. I just want to keep the covers over my head and go back to sleep. Everything has taken every last bit of what I am. I end each day with tears wishing I could just have one night into one day that I could just escape. Life doesnt stop. There are people who have it WAY worse off then I do. I hate sitting here having a pitty party on my life. You know why. Most people dont know what I go through. I suck it up. There are many people who have no clue that I am in soooo much pain, that I am not sleeping, that I feel like I could just collaps at any min I feel so weak. I act normal at work and around friends no matter what I am going through to come home and once I am alone I cry and let it all out, cry myself to sleep.

So on Nov. 12th maybe I will have some answers. OR the doc will send me home with a perscription for birth control and say suck it up hunny its life. --BUT HEY-- birth control means I will save money on tampons every month right .. HAH .. what they are exspensive and I go through about a box a month .. it sucks!! -- and I buy my own, my mom doesnt buy them for me!

It is getting close to 1am. So I wont have time to say everything I want to say.

I have a post coming soon on my survis practicum hours, with the paper that is due on thursday, and a spirital thought or two posts. and Nov 12 I might have a post of answers.


<3 Erin Christina

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Sir,
How are you doing today? I hope you have been wonderful and enjoying you semester and doing well in all your classes.
Hope you have been able to beat those girls off with a good stick, a bad one wont effect them and much and they will be coming back more and more.
Make sure you are staying out of trouble. No trips to Vegas and having some drunken mistakes OK!!
I have been told to just come out and say everything that needs to be said, everything I talk to Natalia about. She one the one who even convinced me to write this and has been bugging me since I wrote it to send it to you. Right now as I am writing I don’t know if I will be able to just send it to you, I don’t know if I really have it in me to do so.
I just can’t really tell you everything that is going through my head right now. That why I haven’t been 100% truthful with you about things going on here back home…I’m sorry, but I really haven’t. There are many things I have twisted as I am sure you have as well.
I don’t really know how to say what is going through my head…even in writing it just doesn’t come out right. I can tell Natalia how I feel but she is a girl and well I guess we understand each other in that way that only girls can know without either of them even saying anything.
Amanda told me about the text conversation you two had. She said you didn’t give straight answers. She came to me with everything you had said and was confused. There was a reason I don’t talk to people about what happened at school with you. I talk to Natalia and I write in my blog. So people can read but they don’t really know and Natalia is there to kind of help me sort things out through my head, really just so I can get the thoughts out and start to just keep going. People ask about the Knot all the time. I tell them, what you told Amanda, a friend gave it to me. Except, you said to amazing “IDK, friends.” I think that is what confused me the most…and people ask me what happened to the key, and I tell them I lost it.
I am sorry if this goes against what we said. The promise I made that I said I would keep. That we would not talk about any of this. That is what I planned on doing, what I wanted to do, I respected the agreement we made, but Natalia keeps saying I should write the letter and send it.
So now that I have gone through this long letter and you probly won’t even read this far. You probly got to where it pass the line of the agreement we made and now your upset that I went against the promise, to stay friends and not bring any of this up. But here is the main part of the letter.
I would like to know your side of what happened. I want to know what it was through your eyes, from your mind. You told Amanda “long story. Ask her.” I don’t have much of a story to tell. Natalia says mine is one sided and incomplete. She is actually very interested in knowing what you had thought too. I don’t tell the story because people always ask Why this and Why that, and well I don’t have the answers.
I don’t even know if I will send this. It might just sit here forever. But if somehow this does get to you: What is your side of what happened?


Always,
Erin Christina

my paper for chapter 3 and 4 and Boyd K. Packer Talk

How would you modify curriculum without lowering expectations and help ALL children learn and achieve? How might this relate to your growing definitions of multicultural education and being politically correct?
Gordon Allport defined discrimination as “Any conduct based on distinction made on the grounds of natural or social categories which have no relation either to individual capacities or merits or to the concrete behavior of the individual person.” (Neito, 2004). There are too many teachers out in the world who discriminate in the classroom. There are those teachers who put down and teach differently to those students of different races and social standings just because they are a different color or come from a house hold that is not well off. These teachers don’t look beneath the skin to see what the student is capable of. The place where the most damage is done to the student is done in the school. “Institutional discrimination generally refers to how people are excluded or deprives of rights or opportunities as a resort of normal operations or the institution.” (Neito, 2004). The teachers treat the students like they don’t know anything. There are some teachers who tell students that they will never amount to anything, that they are dumb, that they should just quite school because it is doing nothing for them. They put the student down based on what they look like not the student as a whole. Multicultural education is not found here.
In my teaching I do not want to make the same mistake those teachers make. I am a believer in multicultural education, I guess my task now is to find the best way to help my class to be unified and be able to teach all my students in the best way that I can. I need to find a way to break out of the bubble that most teachers find their way into by discriminating against students. I don’t ever want to treat my students with such disrespect. A teacher needs to know each and everyone one of their students’ strengths and weaknesses in orders to best provide ways for the students to learn the best. In making modifications to the curriculum it should not just be for one student to learn better but for the class to learn. If changes were to be made to one student it would be pointing that one student out of everything, discriminating against the student. So in my classroom instead of just teaching one way of doing something I would teach a few different ways. It will help each student learn and choose the way that works the best for them. If a student needs extra help, I will be there for them, and so will the students. In my classroom I will have the students help and teach each other because I am a firm believer that teaching is learning. My students will all be expected to know the material, but if it takes some different way for the student to understand then that is what I will have the student use. The success of my students is of great importance and anything I can do to help them learn the material I will try and do with the student(s).
In a talk by Boyd K. Packer he said, “However out of step we may seem, however much the standards are belittled, however much others yield, we will not yield, we cannot.” (Packer, 2003). We are never to give up on a student. We are to try our best to always teach them, no matter what. Other teachers may be saying to give up on the student and just put them in a different program, or that you are wasting you time and they will never learn, you must never give up. Stick to your guns and help the student no matter what you need to do. The most important thing should be the student succeeding, and that is what a teacher should always do.
In my classroom I will teach all my students to learn, I will not discriminate against any student for any reason. They are all there to learn and whatever it takes to help them learn I will do. So, in asking how I would modify my curriculum, I would mold it to the students, teach them knowing how they learn and teach them many different ways. Like I have said, whatever it takes, I will teach and help and try new ways of teaching until the student knows the material.
Works Cited:
Packer, Boyd K. (2003). “The Standard of Truth has been Erected”. October 14, 2009, from http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=c291ee9ba42fe010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD.
Nieto, Sonia. (2004). Affirming Diversity: The Socio-political Context of Multicultural Education, 4th edition. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.



<3 Erin Christina

Im Sorry

A few posts ago I had a negative post. But what I post here really are my feelings. I know for a fact that if I had not said anything I really would of stopped eating again, or eating only like 500 calories a day like I used to.

There are some things about my body that should be checked out though I think.

I used to know what cretin things meant when things happened, but now I just don't know. It like my body is rebelling against me. Of course I am just paranoid and nothing is wrong, but sometimes I just don't know.

So yes this blog is short. I don't have much to say right now.

Things are slowly starting to fall into place. Like by Saturday I should be able to pay off my housing for next year. In a month I can register for classes.

Last night at work was fun. It was an AMAZING closing crew and Brad was closing last night. I just cannot wait for the holiday season to start up so we will be BUSY! Yes, it gets stressful during that time but work goes by so much faster. People ask me often why I am still working at Kohls when so many things go wrong when I work there, but I love the people I work with. They are my family. We all care about each other and are there when we need someone to talk to. I love working there, I love the people, the environment, and the clothes! I care about the store A LOT. It makes me sad to see things messed up and even when I am off the clock I find myself working. If I had a car at school I would try to get some work time up there too so I wouldn't have to keep starting over again when I come home (though I started back up at the pay I left at ^_^ )

So tonight I hope to do my reading for my online class. I hope to tomorrow, if not tonight, write up the paper. Also, I am going to make a new habit. I used to no matter what read my scriptures EVERY night up at school, so I am going to try this again. I want to finish D&C by the end of the year. I will be taking the class when I get back up to school winter semester, so I want to have read it once, then I get to read it again when I go back up to school then I can understand what I am not understanding. I really need to be studding the scriptures. I think that is why I have not been understanding what I have been reading lately.

SO, yea this wasn't an amazing thought provoking post, but it is I guess more of something for me, I needed to write some things down for my minds sake.

<3 Erin Christina

My Talk

I am going to go off the spirit on this one. I have printed out this talk but I might not say these words. This is what I wrote for my talk in Singles Ward tomorrow.

Preparing to go to the Temple

Choose the Right!! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

To enter the temple is a tremendous blessing. But first we must be worthy. We should not be rushed. We cannot cut corners of preparation and risk the breaking of covenants we were not prepared to make. That would be worse than not making them at all.
I have learned a lot about temples this year from a super spiritual even I had back in march in going to the temple, finally, well, prepared. While looking over a talk I found by Russell M. Nelson, I laughed to myself only wishing I had read this before I learned the hard way.
I rewrote one of my favorite primary songs one day after going to the temple.
I love to see the templewish I could go everydayI feel the Holy SpiritI listen and I prayFor the temple is the house of Goda place of love and beautyI've prepared myself these past monthsthis is my sacred dutyI love to see the templeI go as much as I canI covenant with my fatherand I promise to obeyFor the temple is a holy placeI cant wait to be sealed foreverAs a child of GodI have learned THE truthA family IS forever

I spent well a long time preparing myself for the temple. it sucks it took me such a long time to enter those door worthy and ready but i made it. And my life really was changed, and blessed beyond belife
So to go into the temple we much be well physicaly ready. Yes .. I am starting with physicaly ready, and I just have two main points to share.


PHYSCAL
One prepares physically for the temple by dressing properly. It is not a place for casual attire. “We should dress in such a way that we might comfortably attend a sacrament meeting or a gathering that is proper and dignified.”
Within the temple, all are dressed in spotless white to remind us that God is to have a pure people. Nationality, language, or position in the Church are of secondary significance. In that democracy of dress, all sit side by side and are considered equal in the eyes of our Maker.
After I had changed into my white jumper I looked in the mirror, I saw myself dressed in white and felt so wonderful then saw my face and how much the world was shown on it from the makeup I was wearing. I don’t ever need to wear makeup like that. The scripture 3Nephi 13: 28 “And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.” Lilies are as they are; they don’t need anything added onto them to be beautiful. I am beautiful the way that God made me, I don’t need the ways of the world to make me who I am, I am who I am and I am beautiful to him.

Now to enter the temple you have to be worthy and clean and pure. Clean of sin and hold a temple recommend. Now there was a time that I had the questions answered and memorized so I could get in and out of the bishops office before he tries to talk to me…come on, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has done that.
SO to go into the temple we have to be spiritually ready. Without being that, we won’t receive the great revelation that is to be given to us. I cannot begin to explain the blessings that I have received from going to the temple worthily and ready.
It is just not in me to sit here and tell you what you need to do to be spiritually ready and worthy. I am not up here to tell you that you need to go talk to the bishop; I am not up here to say that I am amazing because of the blessings I have received. I am up here to share with you... well whatever the spirit prompts me to share.
Prayer.
Scripture study.
Questions.
The wanting to be there.When we got up there we were told it would be a 3 hour wait and that didn’t sound too good to us because we had homework and things that we needed to get done today. We considered not going and coming back later in the week. We talked about it and decided to talk to the other temple worker in the right part of the temple, since we went through the wrong door. We were there told an hour and a half wait and again considered it and I said yes we should so we did. That was the best decision that I think I had ever made. To me I was thinking I have worked and waited so long to enter into the temple worthily and I KNEW that I needed to be there more than anything.
Testimony of temple.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

How Do I Look

Why am I so fat?
I haven't weighed this much since high school..
Time to stop eatting again?
maybe?
Sounds good to me!
I will never get a guy looking like this ..
Not that I need one ..
But if I'm not happy with me, then I wont have any luck with anything.


<3 Erin Christina

Thinking of You

"If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minse one day, so I would never have to live a day without you."

The quote is haning up in the house I babysit...and I can't help but think when I read it. Why is life so complicated sometime .. but not at the same time .. just so .. meh .. why bother.

<3 Erin Christina

To The One Who Holds The Key

What would I give to just see you one more time.
To have you hold me again like you used too.
To stare into those eyes I love so much,
Those eyes that I can still see when I close my eyes.

What would I give to just have one more day with you.
To hear your voice,
Your laugh,
To see your smile.

What would I give to know why I can't take this charm off.
To know why I can't get you out of my head.
Why don't I know what is going on in my own life,
What price would I pay to know.

You dug deeper in my than I even knew at the time.
You are in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart.
I just wish I knew where I was to you.

We don't talk about us.
We are just friends.
But there is something else.
Something that just hasnt been said.
It eats at me.
There is something in your mind that hasnt been shared with me.
I know there has to be.

I have your knot.
You have my key.
Is there meaning?
Do you still have feelings?
Do you struggle like I do with this?

No you probly don't.
You live everyday and don't even think twice about me.
Or do you?

Do you know whats going on?
You have half the story that I don't.
I can't move on.
If you still wear the key then there has to be something in your mind,
Something that You haven't said,
Something that could bring light and understanding to me!

You never hurt me.
Why?
Is there something there?
Something you want?
I just need to know..
What is on your mind?
What am I to you?

...



<3 Erin Christina

Faith and Fear

This month I have been BLESSED with the wonderful oppertunity to have lots of challenges.
Offten times when thing happen in life we tend to be afraid and get scared and worried that things will not work out. I do tend to get scared when things happen. I constantly worry about money, I know I shouldnt because the Lord will provide for me as long as I do what I am supposed to be doing, but I cant help but worry.
So my trials have brought fear to my heart. The cost of fixing my car, the cost of school, not getting hours at work, not making enough money, looking at my bank account. It scares me. I dont know if I will make it. I dont know if I will have enough.
If there is anything I have learned lately is that as long as I fear, I can have no faith. Faith and fear are total opposits. When you fear something happening you have lost the faith and hope that good will come out of it. I have taken my challenges in my life and have constintly reminded me every time that I start to fear that the Lord will take care of me. I have faith and hope that all will work out how it is supposed to. The Lord sees the big picture and he will help me so what is supposed to happen will happen.
I will not fear the unknown, yet take a step into the dark and have faith that the Lord will guide me to the end.

<3 Erin Christina

the 3 weeks

So here I sit typing this blog post, feeling not to well. It hurts to breath and I try my best not to cough. My body aches and I dont know what to do anymore.
Is this punishment? What is wrong with me. I get sick for about 2 weeks every month. This is more then just, well, girl stuff. So now into TMI mode so if you dont want to read you have been warned.
My body goes into lock down mode when it is that time of month for me. Sometimes even twice a month it happens, and it really sucks! I have no warning sign except the week before I am sooooo hungry -- extept for the fact that I am always always hungry. Day 1 I am basicly paralized from the pain. I cant sleep that night either because of the pain. My back just hurt sooo bad. Also the cramps effect my stomach as well. I have the worst stomach aches and get slightly sick and feel horrid. Not to mention no matter what my whole body aches and is in more pain then I can even explain. When the pain goes down half way through the week, I start to feel more sick. My stomach and my whole body just hurt so bad. I begin to become weak and always tired. The thought of food makes me want to throw up and I am soooo hungry at the same time. my stomach has the feeling of somone punching me 24/7 over and over and over. It hurts to breath, my nose gets stuffy, and I devlop a cough. This lasts for another week and a half and then for the last half of the other half I begin to feel better. But its one to two weeks left before the cycle starts over.
Sometimes it is worse then other sometimes not as bad as others. But every month it basicly gets wrose. I cant go through this any more. It really is killing me. I "joke" around a lot how I hate being a girl, but really I am in so much pain I wish I didnt have to go through this. I talk to ladys who are older who these things start to effect them, but they can easily take care of that. I am 20 years old and bleeding to death and sooo much pain every month is killing me. I hate this. I hate getting sick all the time. I pretend like nothing is bothering me, but as soon as I am alone I cry.
I try to think of what lesson I am to learn from this. I look back at my patriachtical blessing. But really, there is only hope and joy found there. It doesnt tell me to watch out for this, or I might encounter this, or have patince in this. There is no speak of trails in my blessing. It is a blessing full of hope. It tells me of the great things that I will do and the great things that will come in my life and the great I will do with the gifts the Lord has blessed me with.
In a few days I will be coughing up a lung and not knowing why and just wishing for all this pain to go away. I know there is a lesson to be taken from this, I just havent found it yet. I hope to someday soon. Until then I can just keep pressing on. Keep endouring to the end. This is the blessing that someday will make me a mother. So I will keep fighting this, and if worse comes to worse I will have tons and tons of kids so once I am married I wont have to have a period ever again, I will just always be pregnat and therefor I wont have to go though my 3 weeks of pain and hate for life!
So yes, this was all a little bit a lot of TMI, but this is me, you read my jurnal willingly, you take what I write and you cant complain and tell me that was not something that I should post. You read it. The only thing I do is write what I feel, do, hope, dream. My worries and fears. My pains of day. My thoughts. My heart and mind go down in writing. This is my life. Take me as I am.

<3 Erin Christina

An Angel

So I have many blogs that need to be writen but I am so backed up I dont know if I will get to them.

This week was a pretty sweet week!

I spent Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday with Natalia Angelica May.

It was a flipping blast!

I cannot remember the last time that I have felt so .. ALIVE .. so .. connected with someone .. so much intune with the spirit as well.

It is kinda hard to explaine, more so knowing that Natalia is probly reading this but I know this is a blog that I should write.

I have been sent to this earth for many reasons and one of those that I know of is to councel and liston to the problems of others, older, younger, whatever the age, I am here to help them through anything they need help with. It is a gift I know I have that people can talk to me and tell me things and come with anything and everything and I can help them. I have had many of the experinces as the people are having which makes it easy for me to help them through what they are going through and avoid the dark path that I was once on.

I have never, in all my time on this earth, found someone who has touched me and who I connect with so well as Natalia. There is so much we have in common and yet so much that I have to learn from her. She is such a strong spirit. Last night we just got into this really deep spirital conversation about eachother and blessings and gifts in our lives, which I have never really gotten to do with anyone else. It was so amazing. The way that her and I can just talk about it all, anything and everything, just kinda passes my understanding, which leads me to think of a better greater plan.

I am so blessed to have the friends I have in my life. They have helped me and strengthed me in ways they will never know. In this time in my life, Nataila stand kinda in the same spot. Our veiws and things going on in life seem to match together that we can understand each other so well (this is how I see it, she could be thinking something totally different). She has become one of my best friends and I am blessed beyoung belife. There is finally someone who can really understand me, and without me having to explaine things, she knows.

We have known each other for about a year or so now, but it wasnt until me getting home in July did we really click. It is funny how these things work. It is funny how when the rest of the world starts to fall apart and you find yourself all alone, that one friend can change it all.

It is better to have one best friend then many just friends.

I cannot wait till I have driving privliges back and I can drive out to Natalia's house again!!

Natalia hasnt only become one of my best friends, I know that I knew her before we came to this earth. I know I was probly super sad the day I left and she had to hang out up there for another year. We probly embraced and knew that we would see eachother again. A promise we made to each other. No matter what, I will be there for you. Everything may seem like its falling apart, but dont forget that I will be there and together, we will make it.

Natalia,

You are a choice spirit of your Heavenly Father, who loves you more then anything in the whole world! He watches over you. He has BLESSED you with your family and your friends. No matter what happens those people will always be there .. I will always be there.

Well she wants to get out

And she wants to get out

But the city calls out now

And the scars that she hides

With those stars in her eyes

Like the echos that are all the same

Cause it's all been done before

Yes it's all been done before

[ Chorus ]And oh, you can let this one go

You can try on your own

But I want you to be here

And oh, now the signs are all quiet

And the streets are all tired

And I want you to be here

Well she's sick of this town

And the walls in this house

And her pride just won't let her see

That when she wears that she's made

With the heart that won't break

She could be dead but she'd still believe

That it's all been done before

Yes it's all been done before

[ Chorus ]

They can tell you that they want you

To stay for what you've done

They can tell you that it's alright

To be what you've become

And you go

Cause you knowIt's for show

[ Chorus ]

And oh, now I tried to be quiet

But this heart is on fire

And I want you to be here

I want you to be here (5x)

Sry, this song by parachute came on while I was typing and I thought of you Natalia.

The friends in my life are my angels and they help me servive, they help me out of the dark into the light. Natalia, thank you for being my angel.

<3 Erin Christina

Eternal

If there is anything in my life that I feel strongly about it is family.

I write a lot about my family that people miss read. When I write I am getting out frustrations. I am not saying I hate my dad, but I am saying what had happened between him and I that day. I write a lot about how I do not feel part of my family. That is true, and then eople get upset with me for writing such things and saying How could you say such things about your family?!!
I have one thing to say back to them, HAVE YOU EVER MET MY FAMILY? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN US AS ONE UNIT?!
There are few people in my life who have seen truly into my eyes and my heart and seen how it has been broken many times and how I take my scotch tape and tape it back up from the things my family has said and done to me. Most of the time they dont notice the things that are hurting me. The pain that I hide as I sit there and find my self, even sitting next to them, in a different room or time. It like looking at a color picture of a happy family and everyone smiling and having fun and enjoying their company, but there is one part of the picture that is black and white. It a little girl sitting there as she watchs the family and sits there and eats in silance. The moment she opens her mouth she will be yelled at or made fun of, she can never say anything right. She is not married, she is not in the "IN" circle of her family.
I have talked to my mom about it. I have gone to her in tears and she has just told me that is not true. No matter what is true and what I "make up" in my head, this is how I FEEL!! I am human too. I have feelings. My blog is where I go to and let out all that is inside of me. This is called Erin's Escape because I run away from the world for the moments I am writing. I am able to say whatever I want to say and not be critized for it. You are the ones choosing to read this. If you do not like what I am saying then do not continue to read. You have to understand that this is how I feel, what is going through my mind, and the closest you will ever get to me opening up to you.
I'm sry, I have kinda gotten off topic.
I guess most people dont know to much about me. My life has taken many turns in it and how I have really been trying to understand me better. Why do I do the things I do. There is a good number of very spirtal posts on my blog expressing my growth and progress in myself.
As we are here on this earth we learn and we grow in everything we do. We are human. We all make mistakes. The most importent interaction we have with eachother is how we deal with the times that someone else makes a mistake. Do we take the time to understand them? Do we take the steps I learned in my communications class. Do we listen to the story, or do we make up our own? How do we react to the promblem? Do we try to solve it? Do we make it worse? Or do we just try to make the other person feel as bad as they made us? Do we take into account that maybe they didnt know what they did had an effect on you? Could the person of been trying to help you in a way and didnt know they had done something wrong? This doesnt only apply with people around us, but more so with out family.
The family is the most immportant thing in the Father's Plan of Happiness. The family has to work together as a unit or it will not work properly. After 5 1/2 years I gained a testimony of eternal families. If you ever wanted to hurt me in anyway then dont even bother smashing up my room. Destoying things that are of "value". Anything in my room can be replaced or cleaned up. You can buy a new floor because it is sratched up, you can fix a printer that is falling apart, you could get a new TV, PS2, dressure, towl rack, BUT you cannot replace people. So in order to ruin my day or hurt me in any way shape or form you take the people who mean the most to me out of my life. My friends and family.
As I was saying earlier my family and I dont have the best relationship, I am the black sheep. And even if I am not, it is not my fault I feel this way, it is how I am treated that I view it.
If any of you remember a post that went up in Feb. I didnt get the answer I had been looking for but stayed up a whole night reading talks about families. I know that the family is forever. I have been doing my best to strengthen the relationship with my family not just my dad, mom, Jonathan, and Ryan but as well with my sister-in-laws Courtney and Ashleigh. I strive for acceptince. I just want to be part of my family. To feel like part of my family. And even though I dont, I love them with all my heart.
While we are here on earth we are building up the kingdom we are building up our eternal kingdom. We are all going to be part of that, and this kingdom we are making down here sometimes makes me not want to be part of the eternal one. An eternity of being alone and rejected by my own family doesnt sound like something I want.
My patriartical blessing talks about eternal families quite a few times. That is something I am happy that is stressed in it, because it is something that I need to know and be reminded of again and again so I do not forget. I know I will be blessed with an eternal family and my family will be blessed because of the covents I will make in the temple with my future spouse. That in the Eternities I will enjoy assoiating with eternal families. I know that a lot of who I am and will be for this life and the life to come is baised on the simple fact and great truth that families are forever.
So take my car, take my ipod, take away my money, my job, my house, BUT you can never take my family from me or me from my family. You cannot take eternal family from me.
The most pain I have felt in my life has come from my brother telling me that he was never going to talk to me again. That he doesnt even want to be friends with me. That he doesnt even want to assoiate by the fact that we are family. That is how you can hurt me and ruin my day.
I have a hard time showing my feelings to my family, seeing as I feel alone and not as part of them, but they are my family and I love them, and always have, and always will.



<3 Erin Christina

Again

It has become apparent that my depression is setting back in.
The thought that go through my head everyday and those that I work the hardest to keep out, but they have set in and there is no escape from them.
With everyday comes, yelling, cussing, crying, dispare, loss of hope, the light slowly fade away.
If I did not have Natalia in my life I know I would not be strong like I am now.
I am so greatful for my friends.
Talking with Kevin last night, I opened up and poured it all out to him and just started crying on the phone.
Things are not going the best for me right now.
Issues with my dad, I just cannot do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I get cussed at and yelled out for having stuff on my bathroom counter.
I get rejected/forgoten about for family dinner, I eat it by myself because they all forget that I am here or forget to tell me all together that we are having it.
I am working two jobs and still not making enough money to get myself by, since now I have to pay for car repairs from my car accident and for school.
This online class that I am taking has barly started and already it is stressing me out, but I need to talk it.
I know the Lord is there, watching over me. Sometimes I cant help but ask Why? Why are you picking on me? Is it not about time that you move on to someone else? Dont I already have enough to handle?
I know Heavenly Father wouldnt give me more then I could handle.
I know how blessed I am.
Just things are not how they should be.
I have moved back into my depression flunk and I have to hold strong to the light or I will be lost.


<3 Erin Christina

Some People ..

You know what,
Why do I even bother going to that ward anyways.
My singles ward is full of cliqs and groups and well I'm not in any of them.
Since Tami left it is just me and Natalia. We realized on Sunday really how not part of the ward we are. The two of us are never invited to things or even hear about them. You can look around the chapel and see everyone sitting in their groups and then it is her and I in our own little pew.
Last night had to of been the worst night ever.
So I got to FHE after Hali sent me a text saying that she doesnt need me to babysit. I go, I sit, I make a little joke, and it is not the same without Tami..people just kinda looked at me, that is when i knew I was alone.
I thought I would stay for a bit longer since I dont want to go home when my dad is still awake. Well I go into the gym and one of the bishops counclors wife was in there and basicly was talking to everyone and I was invisable. Then someone comes and starts talking to me and when I try to tell a story that related to hers she just walks off .. OK that for the story on your life like I care .. what are you trying to get at .. that your better then me because you already have a classroom?! Well WHOP-DE-FRIGGEN-DO like I care.
I wanted to play volleyball .. but there was no room and Sister I Really Dont Care About Everyone And Your Just Invisable To Me told someone who just got there that there was a spot bc someone else wanted to play and got those people on the floor ... so again I was left waiting becuase there wasnt anyone else.
I left and went into a dark room to cry. I didnt want to be around anyone.
OH when I went back in to get my stuff because I was just going to go home then people started caring. Brother Tenny stuck out his hand for a pound and I just left him hanging. And people started asking if everyting was ok I just wanted to tell them all to F-Off.
If you dont care, then dont try to care and become so Two-Faced snob.
I have been used and lied to and had people be fack to me my whole life, thats the last thing I want.
So when that one counsaler and his wife where leaving and saw me sitting on the couch they cared..is something wrong? your not the smilie erin you normally are. I wasnt going to lie they asked a few more questions I kept saying no that wasnt was wrong, I'm not going to just tell them that I hate the ward and cant stand the people in it and the way I have been treated tonight is the reason why. But i am not going to lie and be happy when I am not, I am not fake like that.
Because of a few things lately added on to last night I am now stuggling with getting my depression under control again. I dont want to do, talk, see anyone. I hate it when this happens, the thoughts coming back into my head.
Right now I am so greatful for Natalia, she is the only person that is keeping me in check right now. It is kinda funny that we have a lot in common. There is a bond - at least one that I feel. I need her in my life, more then ever now, our friendship is strong then it ever has been. I know that Heavenly Father has put her in my life for this time more then other times. But she is more then just a friend .. she is a spirit sister and I am so greatly and richly blessed to have someone I know that I was closely assoiated with in the Pre-Earth here with me durring these times in this earthly life. I dont know if she will ever read this, but, she is what is keeping me holding on right now.


<3 Erin Christina