I Remember

I don't know why this has been on my mind, but it has all morning.

I remember the first time I saw you. The teacher called your name. I looked and thought hey he's kinda cute.
I remember you making comments on the pictures we were looking at and infering the meaning, and I remember me either challenging them or agreeing.
I remember though a few classes how you slowly moved closer in on the row. I remember the day when you sat with one chair between us. I looked at you and shook my head "What? Do I smell bad? Are you afraid I bite? Well I don't unless you aske me too, so you can sit in the seat next to me." And as you got up to move you said, "Well it's hard to get up the currage to sit next to a pretty girl." I blushed and tired so hard not to smile, I think I responded with a "pasha" or "whatever" From there on out, we sat by eachother. I remember you making fun of me when I couldn't remember what row we sat in. Or the comments that Bekah and I made under our breath about what was going on in the class.
I remember that first day you sat next to me, and asked if Bekah and I wanted to watch the Odysee with you, that we could all do it together. You wrote it on the top of my notes. I also remember ripping that corner off so it was no longer there.
I remember feeling achevied that you asked us to watch it all together, becuase I had been trying to hint at it.
I remember going to devo with you that day. I remember writing notes back and forth with Bekah. I remember you seeing what we were writting and I knew you knew. I remember her asking me if I liked you or though you were cute, and I did the hand sign for kinda sorta.
I remember talking about how hungry we were in class and after devo you said you were paying and we were we wanted to go. We ended up going to wendeys.
I remember not wanting to sit in the frount, I was scared to. I remember that day it was windy outside. I remember walking to to the resterount and opening the door and my dress FLEW UP. I was totally 100% imbarissed! Did he see anything? Oh My Gosh!! That did not just happen did it?! I remember the rest of the day I had my hands holding down my dress.
I remember talking to you while eating. You served you mission where I was born. We started talking about Canada and candy and wonderful things. I remember finding out you were missing a leg. I remember how werid I felt around you. I didn't want to ask, I didnt know how to act, I didn't know what to say anymore. I didn't know that I would grow to be so comfortable around you.
I remember sitting there at Bekahs apt and she sat in the middle with the laptop you on one side of her and me on the other. I remember you put your arm up, I thought it was going around Bekah. Until I felt you running your fingers on my back/sholder. My whole body froze. I had to tell myself to focus on the movie. Don't react. I have trained myself to do that.
I remember you took me home from Bekah's so I didn't have to walk home.
I remember us pulling up and then you asking me on a date. A movie you had talked about how you were seeing it and I would then comment "OMGsh I SOOOOOO want to see that!" Yea I'm a treckie! I answered you fast then changed my mind. I'm afraid of dates, what can I say. You took my phone and put your number in it, then called yourself so you could have mine.
I told you it depends on Homework. I told my roommates and they told me I better go or they will be mad at me.
I remember I stayed up late wednesday so I could get enough of my homework done so I could go on the date with you.
I remember you stopping me after class on thursday because I didn't text you saying yes or no. I knew you could tell I was awkward. You aske if we are still on, I said yes, and you said I don't have too, but I said yes. You smiled so big.
I remember my roommates made you come to the door, they wouldn't let me out unless you came to pic me up.
I remember you were wearing shorts and flipflop...which made the date harder, becuase I was soooo awkward about the leg thing. I didn't know that it would grow to be something that was one of those little things that just made you even better to me.
I remember you kept trying to find out if I would react by you rubbing my arm and things like that. .. it all became a game, to the both of us. Durring the movie you turned to me and said in a scottish accent "if you get scared my hand is here to hold." You brought up holding your hand twice.
I remember after the movie you tried to tell me everything about me. And you were wrong. You may have heard me talking about missionarys, but none of them are MINE, just amazing friends. It wasn't a pitty date, I'm just date awkward. You did have a chance with me. I was just in my awkward phase. You may be able to read lots of people, but you couldn't read me at first. I block people out. I remember telling myself letting you in was the biggest mistake I made, because you soon figuared me out. I remember the night you telling me you did.
I remember the first time it was just you and I doing homework together. I fell asleep durring the video and you finshed it. You jut let me sleep there. I remember the next day us having that text conversation. I remember saving that 4 page text. I remember deleting it when I got home from school. I remember the butterflys.
I remeber the first time you held my hand.
I remeber the excuses I made up so you would come over and help me with homework in my technology class. I remeber that day that my flow was so heavy and I ran out of tampons and I leaked and had to call in val if she had any. She came back out and told you thats what happened.
I remember conversations me and my roommate had about you after you would leave. They loved you. They thought we were perfect for eachother. So they thought.
I remember the first time we kissed. How 2 laps around the block before you kissed me, you told me that you care so much about me that you werent going to kiss me. That made me respect you so much more.
I remember how I felt. we stoped and and I turned about and said something to you. There was silance. Time froze. My heart started pounding. You grabed my waist and kissed me. You had to come down a bit and I had to go to my tip toes. My foot poped for a few seconds but my whole body went weak and I was relying on you to hold me up. I remember biting my lip and blushing after you kissed me. I remember there was stars. I remember the place. I remembered the kiss every time we walked past it. I remeber on that last walk how I wanted to stop and tell you where we were standing. I remember the reason I didn't kiss you that night. You knew I wanted too, you told me too, but I wasn't going to kiss you because I wasn't going to kiss an ash tray, you had been smoking and I would not kiss you.
I remember getting home the night after we first kissed and my roommate going crazy. They knew we had kissed because well, I was glowing.
I remember how you respected me. How it made me feel. How you treated me different then any guys before. How you werent all over me. How it took a while for us to kiss and a kiss didn't just turn to a makeout with you. You were like no other guy.
I remember having the converstion about how scared we were about how fast we were falling. I remember making out in the movie theature when we went to go see wolveren. And also again when we went to the park that night I pushed you down on the slide and kissed you. I remember that was the first time I called you my Edward. That was also the night that I gave you my key and you gave me you knot. You said this is what I will have so you can always be there for me, until you go home and get what you wanted from there to give me.
I remember every feeling I had.
I remember how I played my game. How I would stand there and just look at you when I wanted a kiss. I remember knowingly doing these small little things to get things from you. I remember playing my little game, I remember not feeling bad for doing what I did. I remember that I was CRAZY about you. I remember you were the first guy I ever trusted. I remember not fully understanding why I played the game when I felt this way about you.
I remember the texts when you went home for the 4 day weekend. I remember what you brought back. I knew you had it. I knew that is what you got when you got home. I remember you holding me and telling me you were so happy to be back, because you had missed me, you had never missed anyone that way before, not even your family when you were on your mission. I remember that scared me.
I remember you telling me to close my eyes and you took off my rings and put another one on, perfect you whispered. I knew it was the claddagh ring. You told me to ask and you told me all about it, and that it wasn't mine ... yet.
I remember almost every conversation we had. I remember walking home from class. I remember all the prayers I said. I remember all the feelings I felt. I remember all of MY lines we crossed, that you said were ok. I remember how I came to trust you. I remember looking into your eyes and knowing I could. I remember falling asleep every night holding onto the knot. I remember the nights I couldn't sleep because something was wrong with you.
I remember the tears I shed over you. I remember all the blogs I wrote, all the letters and jurnal entries. I remember the feelings of hate I had for that Lauren girl. I remember how over time you told me you were kinda starting to like her too.
I remember it all, all the things you think I didn't know and how I knew them. All the times that you weren't telling the full truth. I remember feeling us drift apart. But I remember how panicted you got when I told you WE HAVE TO TALK, because you think of the worst thing first, just like me.
I remember the more you opened up, the more I fell. I remember seeing everyside of you, you telling me that you don't ever do this with people. I remember seeing you cry on a few occasions. I remember when you were crashing when we went to the ice caves because your blood sugar level was down. I remember how scared I was. I remember you told me that you were on your way to IF to see the doctor and wouldnt make it to class because you broke your foot (the fake one) and I couldn't do anything becuase I was in IF at the airport going home for my brothers wedding. I remember you had to call me. You knew I would start flipping out.
I remember all the good, and all the bad. I remember the last time I saw you and you droped me off after taking me to the post office, I didn't give you a hug, I didn't say goodbye, I got out and said "Thanks" and I for the fist time I didn't turn around, I just walked to my door.
I remember all the times that we couldn't say goodbye or goodnight. How you would honk at me or whistle as I walked about from your car. I remember all the meals we made, I remember how I loved to hear you pray. I remember our studing for our tests in class.
I remember when I started to feel awkward again.
I remember wishing so hard for you to rip my heart and out crush it. You knew it was there, and I knew you couldn't take it.
I remember I knew when you were doing something you weren't supposed too, like smoking again. I remember just knowing something was wrong. I remember feeling horrible when you weren't happy and things were going wrong.
I remember fasting and praying for you.
I remember everything that happened with us. I remember it all.
I remember hating you, but the moment we were together I just couldn't any more.
I remember the last converstation we had that last walk we went on. The promise we made that we wouldn't talk of us. That we could be friends. That who knows in a few months, it could be the right time for us.
I remember getting home and my brother going off about how much he hates you. I remember holding back the tears. I remember him wanting to rip the knot off. I remember him telling me I was stupid. I remember him saying how he wanted to beat up the criple.
I remember the mistakes I made from states away.
I remember the texts, the weekend I went crazy because we were texting nonstop. I remember the pics I sent you, the pics you sent me. I remember the feelings I felt. I remember lying to you. I remember sitting there texting you through a movie with a friend, texting that should not have been done.
I remember thinking, in just wanting you so bad that I compromised all the things I was supposed to be to you. That good person who doesn't make you fall back into old habbits. I remember talking to my bishop after that weekend. I didn't tell him about the texts or the pics. I remember telling him how I felt about you. I remember him ripping you apart. I remember him telling me I don't know how to pray.
I remember typing up many texts and not sending them. I remember typing up a bunch of letters and not sending them. I remember taking off the knot for a day and couldn't do it. I remember the letter I typed up and how I felt after Natalia sent it. I remember the responce you gave me...

"When ur back here well talk bout it. I'm not asking u to wait for me and I'm not waiting for u. Lots has changed in past few months."

I'm not the same person I was back then either. I have grown and I know now that I wasn't emotionly stable enough for a relationship, I didn't know me well enough, I liked to fool around and flirt, and I wasn't ready to date anyone.
I dont know if we are going to be with eachother. I don't know if you still wear my key or think of me. I don't know what I am going to say when I see you agian. Do I take the knot off ahead of time and be prepared to give it back. I can say it will be a relife. We both have grown and lots have changed.
I remember telling you once, that you were too good to be true in my life, my life doesn't get YOUs. I'm not the type of girl your type of guy goes for. I think I am right. This whole thing was too good to be true.

So here is to in a few weeks when I will be back in Rexburg. I will see you again. It will either be happy, or it will be sad. But I will remember, I will remember it all.

<3 Erin Christina