There has just been so much going on in my life lately.
I just dont know how to put my thought into words on a paper.
Things havent been easy lately.
My life is filled with school, no money, homework, trying to eat, boy-stuff, family stuff, friend stuff.
Sometimes I just dont know what to do about any of it.
I spend a lot of my time praying and asking the Lord what is right in my life? Am I making a right or wrong choice in this situation? What do I do now Heavenly Father?
I really like this guy. He makes me smile. I have never felt like this before. Everything just feels so perfect. But of corse this is my life we are talking about, where nothing can ever be perfect, there can never be a fairy tail, and I can never ever be happy. Ok that makes it sound worse then it is. but thats what you get from reading my thoughts. So I really like him. We have talked about a relationship, and I hope that is what we are still going for. The past 2 weeks things have changed. We took some big steps back and now I feel like I am stuck and nothing is moving. We had a talk. He doesnt want to get hurt, so he is playing it safe. I know that I would never hurt him, I would never think of doing anything like that, all I want to do is be with him. I have prayed over and over again, asking if this is right. This guy is the first time my heart and mind actuly agree on going for something. But I sit here and play the waiting game for him. But the waiting game is getting old. How much waiting can a girls heart take when she knows that the time is short. He has a lot to deal with, I cant push him, I want to be there for him. But if I am to get hurt..I want to get hurt sooner or later. I know I want to be with him. I am the girl who runs away from commitment and the R word. But with him, it seems right. I have concidered long distance relationship. I have thought about moving in with my Grandpa on my off trak to be up here when he is. All these things I have been though. And yet, I dont even know what direction we are headed. How hurt am I going to be? Is it all going to work out? Why cant I just talk to him about this? Because he doesnt need this right now, he has many choices and decisions he has to deal with and doesnt need a parinoid little girl bugging him. He doesnt need that. So I tell him I am here if he needs me. Yet, I wont be here much longer. We arent offishal. But he has my key, and I hold strong and true. Even though we arent anything, my thoughts and emotions and feelings are the same. I dont do well not knowing things, and this is just something I have to know. I wonder if he even knows. He doesnt need to deal with that right now, he has more importent things to deal with. So the true question is now here, this is what it has all come down to... What am I supposed to do? And in that I sit here and wait. I wait for a sign, a word, a..anything to tell me what comes next.
On a better note the wedding was wonderful! Paul comes home in 4 days! school gets out in 6 weeks. AND ... I dont have any idea where my life is at or is going. I will let you know what something happens.
PS my lappy died 2 weeks ago. Someday I will get back to this but for now I dont know when I will.
<3 Erin Christina
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