Yes back pain time.
So where do I start....
My life is starting to feel like it is coming together again. Though I find times that I let myself beat me down. I know I can too much about what people think or I read into it too much but I really hate it when people get judgemental or they can do something but you cant. I get marked down points because I am 2 min late for a group meeting, but do I say anything about how we are not doing what we are suppose to be doing the meeting. NO. I have been doing the work, I am the one that told them hey we are missing this work, and they even said "no that is not due yet" as I sat there with the sheet in my hand that said it was due on June 2nd....yea...not due yet, they know nothing. I really want to tell my teacher, but I dont want to be the tateltail. I will tell her at the end of the semester. My group already treats me like crap or that I am stupid or something, I do so much in that group while others slack off, it is so unfair!! So that really got me upset today.
I talked with my bishop yesterday and he commented on how it looks like I am doing better (he doesnt know that for the last month I have been going to choir practice and sacriment and leaving and skipping the last two hours of church) and I do, I am starting to feel better. The paper I wrote really helped me out a lot. He also told me that he found Mikes bishop and talked to him. I told him that Mike doesnt talk to his one up here, but the one back home and he found that out from him. Mikes bishop doesnt believe anything that Mike is telling him and knows he does not have his life in order. He just found out everything I already knew. Oh well I guess. Really and truely though I dont think I will ever stop loving him no matter how much I want to hate him, it is his life to live and his mistakes to make and his choices to choose what and what not to do. I does brake my heart to know that he isnt doing what he is suppose to be doing and I want to blaim myself for that, but if it wasnt me, it would of been some other girl(s), it already was.
I love the 3rd graders. It is so different then 1st grade but I am loving the experince. I get to teach everyday in the class and work with small groups of students. Some of them just crack me up, others I just wish I knew more to help them more. I am excited for all that I am going to learn and how much I will grow and all that these students and the teacher will teach me.
I am such a pessimest and so hard and down on myself. I am different, I know that I have been different since the day I was born, I mean there was a chance that I might not of been born. Every mistake I alway hate myself for and beat myself down for. I have horrabul self esteem and really do think sometimes the world is against me. It is just something that has been there in my head growing up. I was that kid people picked on and made fun of. I was the fat kid. I was the kid that didnt wear the cool clothes or do the cool things. I am so hard on myself, I know it is bad, but it is not like I mean too, it just comes naturally.
I dont have a job when I go home. Due to a new company policy because I only work aug-dec they cannot hire me unless I can work every 90 days to be a long term temp, and I cannot do that so they cannot hire me back. When I was told that I just sat down and cried. I loved this job so much. It was my life and social life back home. I LOVED my job, people complained but I loved it. Teaching and clothes ... there is nothing else in my life and well I cant teach yet so now I am just empty.
I keep on pushing. I keep on trying. I keep remembing to smile. Just dont hate me when I cant write a happy blog. This is where I get my feelings out and when I actuly to complain about things. I dont say this stuff out loud and it has to come out some way, this is how I can keep being happy, by venting here.
No one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it.
I love my missionarys, they give me strength every day.
<3 Erin Christina
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Today is a gift...That is why it is called the present
Ever since I wrote my religion paper I have just been feeling totally different and feeling good. Yes there are still all those lovely things in my life that are trying to make me miserable but I am not letter them. I am stressed with school and everything but looking at life with that positive out look I have been serching for. I really do love my life and look forward to everything that Heavenly Father has planed out for me.
For the first time ever I looked ahead a year in my life and planed out my last year of school and am PRAYING REALLY HARD that it works out perfectly to take these classes. I cannot believe that it is all coming to an end. In about 7-8 weeks (once grades get posted) I will offishally be a Sr. in college. It is werid to think back. Just a year ago is when I was offishally changed to be an elementary education major and things have worked out so that I should be able to graduate on time still. It just is more proof that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Heck no it is not easy AT ALL. It really kicks my butt every day and I start doubting this is right for me, but it is those little things that I know I should be doing this.
So I hope to graduate/walk next July and then eather work for the fall and then move to AZ to do my student teaching (the school sends students to places in ID, UT and AZ to do their student teaching).
I am not the type of person who makes plans more then really looking ahead a month because something always happens and messes everything up.
Well here is to today. The present. Here is to tomorrow. A mystery. Here is to life.
I am ready to be home. I am ready to find out about this back stuff. I am ready to face all these dumb fears and press forward with faith.
<3 Erin Christina
For the first time ever I looked ahead a year in my life and planed out my last year of school and am PRAYING REALLY HARD that it works out perfectly to take these classes. I cannot believe that it is all coming to an end. In about 7-8 weeks (once grades get posted) I will offishally be a Sr. in college. It is werid to think back. Just a year ago is when I was offishally changed to be an elementary education major and things have worked out so that I should be able to graduate on time still. It just is more proof that this is what I am supposed to be doing. Heck no it is not easy AT ALL. It really kicks my butt every day and I start doubting this is right for me, but it is those little things that I know I should be doing this.
So I hope to graduate/walk next July and then eather work for the fall and then move to AZ to do my student teaching (the school sends students to places in ID, UT and AZ to do their student teaching).
I am not the type of person who makes plans more then really looking ahead a month because something always happens and messes everything up.
Well here is to today. The present. Here is to tomorrow. A mystery. Here is to life.
I am ready to be home. I am ready to find out about this back stuff. I am ready to face all these dumb fears and press forward with faith.
<3 Erin Christina
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Understand this is a ruft draft
If you read this you need to look at it without judgment. There are vage personal things in here (it is a refective paper for my New Testimanet class)
What Was Broken Can Now Be Whole
I read His words, the words He prayed while bearing sorrow in Gethsemane; I feel His love, the price He paid. How many drops of blood were spilled for me? With saints of old in joyful cry I too can testify…Where do I start to tell the pains that my heart have felt and the healing that the sacrifice Jesus Christ gave for me and for everyone? From the start of his life he knew he would die, and he knew why he was going to die. He also knew that he would rise again on the third day, so that we all could live again.
I would love to meet the person that has lived a perfect life, the person that has never made a single mistake, great or small. We are taught that we cannot know good without knowing bad, though that may sound almost like we are being commanded to sin, if we never make a mistake we will never learn. Our salvation depends on believing in and accepting the Atonement. The Atonement advances our mortal course of learning by making it possible for our natures to become perfect. Our Savor Jesus Christ came to this earth to redeem us all. It was known from the start that we would mess up and make mistakes, so Heavenly Father sent his son to die for us so that we may be forgiven. All of us have sinned and need to repent to fully pay our part of the debt. When we sincerely repent, the Savior’s magnificent Atonement pays the rest of that debt
I have been healed by the atonement so many times. He suffered so much pain, “indescribable anguish,” and “overpowering torture” for my sake, for all of our sakes. His profound suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He took upon Himself all the sins of all other mortals, caused Him “to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit.” “And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly,” saying, “O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.”
Our Redeemer took upon Himself all the sins, pains, infirmities, and sicknesses of all who have ever lived and will ever live. No one has ever suffered in any degree what He did. He knows our mortal trials by firsthand experience. Without going through the things that he went through he would have never been able to know and feel the things that we have felt. Even as he hung on the cross Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost had to withdraw themselves from Christ so that he could feel the utter aloneness that we sometimes feel. The evil influence of Satan would destroy any hope we have in overcoming our mistakes. He would have us feel that we are lost and that there is no hope. In contrast, Jesus reaches down to us to lift us up. Through our repentance and the gift of the Atonement, we can prepare to be worthy to stand in His presence. No one has had an easy life, and that is why we have the atonement, for all pains, trails, sicknesses, and trails; the Lord has felt it and been through it all, we really and truly are not alone in anything we do.
A young girl, strong in her beliefs and who loves the church more than anything in her life and who had never made any mistake that was huge, could have never foreseen the twists and turns that her life was going to go through from some of the littlest actions. Some of the biggest things start off as some of the smallest little sins. Is it sinning if you don’t know that you are sinning? I think somewhere down the line she knew what she had stumbled upon was wrong. She was so young, and had so many questions; this seemed to answer them and to teach her things of the world. Such a little thing, even after stopping, she never forgot and she would never really stop. Every once and a while it would come back and she would find herself trapped again. There were many prayers she prayed Heavenly Father please forgive me! I hate this feeling! I promise I will never do it again…I know I have said that before, but I won’t again, I promise. You probly have stopped listening to me, you don’t believe me anymore. Please forgive me…” She had herself convinced as long as she prayed about it, which is all that she had to do. This young girl that what was passed in her life was all that was going to happen. Her father left the church and it destroyed her inside and she had no idea what to even believe anymore. She had learned a lot from those mistakes that no one knew about but was known as “the innocent one” with all her friends and she hated it, because deep down she knew she really wasn’t. As she got older new mistakes arose and still in those little things, she didn’t like the reputation she had so she tried to change it with language and dress. This new attitude of hers even affected things that she let slide when she started dating a boy. She would lay in bed and just cry. People at church would tell her how wonderful she was and such a great example she was and yet she knew for all those years sitting in the bishop’s office and going to the temple that she was lying. Satan strives to convince one that sins can be hidden from others, yet it is he that causes them to be revealed in the most compromising circumstances. It wasn’t until she left home and went off to school that her past finally came out and smacked her in the face and hard. It was through the examples of a few friends that she realized that what she needed the atonement in her life more than anything else. It was hard to talk about it, but she did it. She felt so much better after and knew that no longer was she weighed down by that guilt. That was the first time that she had felt the healing of the atonement, which helped her gained her testimony of it.
Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord. Have you done things that you wish you had not done? Is it difficult for you to see any way to solve your problems? Does there seem to be an oppressive, crushing weight that’s always there no matter how you seek to shake it? Under the influence of powerful emotions or stimulants you may have periods where there seems to be relief. Yet in the quiet moments of reflection that inevitably come, you realize that your life is not what you want it to be. That was me, that has been me, and I hate to admit it but it is me in many, many cases in my life. One thing lead to another to another to another, but I repented and felt the atonement for the first time and I thought nothing else could ever go wrong in my life. It was only four months until I messed up again. It wasn’t anything new; it was something I had discussed the first time sitting crying my eyes out in the bishop’s office. I went straight into the bishop’s office after it happened. It was harder this time, I hated myself; it wasn’t until right before I went home that I had really completed the repentance process and gained a deeper understanding for the atonement. It was then that I had learned that the atonement was not only there to take away the sins but also the pains that came along with the sins. The atonement is not only about being forgiven but forgiving yourself.
There is also more to the atonement than just being cleansed from sin, but to be healed from sickness as well. I once received a blessing (and has actually been said in a few blessing I have been given) that Heavenly Father cries when I cry, he hurts when I hurt, he is happy when I am happy, he is full of joy when I am full of joy. Every feeling I feel he feels along with me, every emotion I go through is something that Christ felt for me as he gave his life for me. I feel so selfish when I think that I am alone in the world and no one knows what I am going through. I sit in my room and cry and wish that my life could just be over. Not only have my sins been suffered for but every time I have and will be sick, and for all those feelings and emotions and thoughts. Talk about being selfish, I continued to make mistakes even after a second time of being able to once again feel clean.
Sin became an addiction; I never thought it would happen to me. You can put alcohol in my face and it won’t do anything to me, but there are times when I do struggle to say no in certain situations. The part I hate the most and what I don’t understand is that if we know that what we are doing is wrong then why do we do it? The painful consequences of sin were purposely put in His plan of happiness by a compassionate Father in Heaven so that you need not follow that tragic path in life. A sinner will not only suffer in this life, but sins that have not been forgiven through true repentance will cause anguish beyond the veil. Repentance is a process of cleansing. It is difficult, but it has an end, a glorious end with peace and refreshing forgiveness and the miracle of a new beginning. Confession of improper acts is an important step but that is not full repentance.
I am not an expert on the atonement; I do wish I was though so maybe this time it would not be as hard. I chose to write this paper to help remind me about all the wonderful things that the atonement has done in my life. I have been forgiven for so many things that I don’t think I should have been forgiven for. How many drops of blood were spilt for me?! I caused him so much pain and have caused myself so much pain in every sin and mistake. Even though this time I chose right and even though it took me 4 months of knowingly doing the same thing over and over knowing I was sinning and going far beyond forgiveness I found myself in my bishop’s office crying my eyes out. Hearing those words that I feared so much, but finding myself at the mercy of the Lord. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that my Heavenly Father has some part of His great plan that involves me in some way that I find myself blessed past what I feel I should be blessed with. I know that I should not doubt. I know that the atonement is at work in my life. Confession of improper acts is important step but that is not full repentance.
How do you forgive yourself when you feel that you did not deserve to be forgiven? I know that my sins have been taken away from me. I am doing everything that I have been told to do and I have felt everything lifted off of me but I still struggle and fight. I know it is true that every time it gets harder but that there is always forgiveness. I feel my savoir with me at all times and in everything I have been doing. I also feel Satan trying to beat me down again.
Another vital aspect of repentance is to recognize the role of the Savior through His Atonement. Indeed, it is that very Atonement that makes repentance even possible. As you pray and ponder the role of Jesus Christ as your Savior and Redeemer, you will acquire great motivation and encouragement to help you repent. I believe that no matter how diligently you try, you cannot with your human mind fully comprehend the eternal significance of the Atonement nor fully understand how it was accomplished. We can only appreciate in the smallest measure what it cost the Savior in pain, anguish, and suffering or how difficult it was for our Father in Heaven to see His Son experience the incomparable challenge of His Atonement. Even so, you should conscientiously study the Atonement to understand it as well as you can
This is not the end for me. I have not learned all that I need to learn. I started writing this paper thinking I was going to end it bearing my testimony on the atonement and yet at the same time having to contradict my testimony by saying those things like how I do not feel I should be forgiven. I know that I will have many questions when I get to meet Heavenly Father and Christ at the gate. I know that this life is hard. These feelings and emotions that I have been stuck with and struggling with and crying myself to sleep with every night for the last month and a half in time will be solved. The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life…trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life.
I know that the church is true. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of all things in our lives. I know that no matter what trails and struggles that I go through that he is there for me, through prayer and scripture study I have so much left for me to learn. I know that my sins and mistakes have all been forgiven because my savior bled and died for me. I know that as I remember these things and stop doubting and learn to forgive myself the atonement will keep working and will be something constant in my life. I have felt and do feel the atonement in my life and I know that without it I would not be here today. I know that the Lord has a plan for me, and I know that even if I make mistakes that as I use the atonement He is proud of me for doing what is right. I am thankful for the trials in my life, at the time I hate them, but once it is all done I look back and see how much I have grown and learned. I am thankful for the words of the leaders of the church, without them I don’t think I would have grown so much through my study for this paper. I do know that this church is true with all my heart. I know that because of the atonement that I will meet Heavenly Father and Christ at the Gate and they can and will be proud of me and will embrace me and welcome me home. I cannot wait for that day. I know that I am not perfect, I am human, and I know that I will make more mistakes Heavenly Father already planned for that and gave the world his son and the atonement. Though your sins be red as scarlet they will be white as snow. I am blessed by the atonement. I know its power is true. I know that what was once broken can now be whole because of the sacrifice of love, the atonement. I know that I have been forgiven and can always be forgiven.
<3 Erin Christina
What Was Broken Can Now Be Whole
I read His words, the words He prayed while bearing sorrow in Gethsemane; I feel His love, the price He paid. How many drops of blood were spilled for me? With saints of old in joyful cry I too can testify…Where do I start to tell the pains that my heart have felt and the healing that the sacrifice Jesus Christ gave for me and for everyone? From the start of his life he knew he would die, and he knew why he was going to die. He also knew that he would rise again on the third day, so that we all could live again.
I would love to meet the person that has lived a perfect life, the person that has never made a single mistake, great or small. We are taught that we cannot know good without knowing bad, though that may sound almost like we are being commanded to sin, if we never make a mistake we will never learn. Our salvation depends on believing in and accepting the Atonement. The Atonement advances our mortal course of learning by making it possible for our natures to become perfect. Our Savor Jesus Christ came to this earth to redeem us all. It was known from the start that we would mess up and make mistakes, so Heavenly Father sent his son to die for us so that we may be forgiven. All of us have sinned and need to repent to fully pay our part of the debt. When we sincerely repent, the Savior’s magnificent Atonement pays the rest of that debt
I have been healed by the atonement so many times. He suffered so much pain, “indescribable anguish,” and “overpowering torture” for my sake, for all of our sakes. His profound suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He took upon Himself all the sins of all other mortals, caused Him “to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit.” “And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly,” saying, “O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.”
Our Redeemer took upon Himself all the sins, pains, infirmities, and sicknesses of all who have ever lived and will ever live. No one has ever suffered in any degree what He did. He knows our mortal trials by firsthand experience. Without going through the things that he went through he would have never been able to know and feel the things that we have felt. Even as he hung on the cross Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost had to withdraw themselves from Christ so that he could feel the utter aloneness that we sometimes feel. The evil influence of Satan would destroy any hope we have in overcoming our mistakes. He would have us feel that we are lost and that there is no hope. In contrast, Jesus reaches down to us to lift us up. Through our repentance and the gift of the Atonement, we can prepare to be worthy to stand in His presence. No one has had an easy life, and that is why we have the atonement, for all pains, trails, sicknesses, and trails; the Lord has felt it and been through it all, we really and truly are not alone in anything we do.
A young girl, strong in her beliefs and who loves the church more than anything in her life and who had never made any mistake that was huge, could have never foreseen the twists and turns that her life was going to go through from some of the littlest actions. Some of the biggest things start off as some of the smallest little sins. Is it sinning if you don’t know that you are sinning? I think somewhere down the line she knew what she had stumbled upon was wrong. She was so young, and had so many questions; this seemed to answer them and to teach her things of the world. Such a little thing, even after stopping, she never forgot and she would never really stop. Every once and a while it would come back and she would find herself trapped again. There were many prayers she prayed Heavenly Father please forgive me! I hate this feeling! I promise I will never do it again…I know I have said that before, but I won’t again, I promise. You probly have stopped listening to me, you don’t believe me anymore. Please forgive me…” She had herself convinced as long as she prayed about it, which is all that she had to do. This young girl that what was passed in her life was all that was going to happen. Her father left the church and it destroyed her inside and she had no idea what to even believe anymore. She had learned a lot from those mistakes that no one knew about but was known as “the innocent one” with all her friends and she hated it, because deep down she knew she really wasn’t. As she got older new mistakes arose and still in those little things, she didn’t like the reputation she had so she tried to change it with language and dress. This new attitude of hers even affected things that she let slide when she started dating a boy. She would lay in bed and just cry. People at church would tell her how wonderful she was and such a great example she was and yet she knew for all those years sitting in the bishop’s office and going to the temple that she was lying. Satan strives to convince one that sins can be hidden from others, yet it is he that causes them to be revealed in the most compromising circumstances. It wasn’t until she left home and went off to school that her past finally came out and smacked her in the face and hard. It was through the examples of a few friends that she realized that what she needed the atonement in her life more than anything else. It was hard to talk about it, but she did it. She felt so much better after and knew that no longer was she weighed down by that guilt. That was the first time that she had felt the healing of the atonement, which helped her gained her testimony of it.
Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord. Have you done things that you wish you had not done? Is it difficult for you to see any way to solve your problems? Does there seem to be an oppressive, crushing weight that’s always there no matter how you seek to shake it? Under the influence of powerful emotions or stimulants you may have periods where there seems to be relief. Yet in the quiet moments of reflection that inevitably come, you realize that your life is not what you want it to be. That was me, that has been me, and I hate to admit it but it is me in many, many cases in my life. One thing lead to another to another to another, but I repented and felt the atonement for the first time and I thought nothing else could ever go wrong in my life. It was only four months until I messed up again. It wasn’t anything new; it was something I had discussed the first time sitting crying my eyes out in the bishop’s office. I went straight into the bishop’s office after it happened. It was harder this time, I hated myself; it wasn’t until right before I went home that I had really completed the repentance process and gained a deeper understanding for the atonement. It was then that I had learned that the atonement was not only there to take away the sins but also the pains that came along with the sins. The atonement is not only about being forgiven but forgiving yourself.
There is also more to the atonement than just being cleansed from sin, but to be healed from sickness as well. I once received a blessing (and has actually been said in a few blessing I have been given) that Heavenly Father cries when I cry, he hurts when I hurt, he is happy when I am happy, he is full of joy when I am full of joy. Every feeling I feel he feels along with me, every emotion I go through is something that Christ felt for me as he gave his life for me. I feel so selfish when I think that I am alone in the world and no one knows what I am going through. I sit in my room and cry and wish that my life could just be over. Not only have my sins been suffered for but every time I have and will be sick, and for all those feelings and emotions and thoughts. Talk about being selfish, I continued to make mistakes even after a second time of being able to once again feel clean.
Sin became an addiction; I never thought it would happen to me. You can put alcohol in my face and it won’t do anything to me, but there are times when I do struggle to say no in certain situations. The part I hate the most and what I don’t understand is that if we know that what we are doing is wrong then why do we do it? The painful consequences of sin were purposely put in His plan of happiness by a compassionate Father in Heaven so that you need not follow that tragic path in life. A sinner will not only suffer in this life, but sins that have not been forgiven through true repentance will cause anguish beyond the veil. Repentance is a process of cleansing. It is difficult, but it has an end, a glorious end with peace and refreshing forgiveness and the miracle of a new beginning. Confession of improper acts is an important step but that is not full repentance.
I am not an expert on the atonement; I do wish I was though so maybe this time it would not be as hard. I chose to write this paper to help remind me about all the wonderful things that the atonement has done in my life. I have been forgiven for so many things that I don’t think I should have been forgiven for. How many drops of blood were spilt for me?! I caused him so much pain and have caused myself so much pain in every sin and mistake. Even though this time I chose right and even though it took me 4 months of knowingly doing the same thing over and over knowing I was sinning and going far beyond forgiveness I found myself in my bishop’s office crying my eyes out. Hearing those words that I feared so much, but finding myself at the mercy of the Lord. I know that there is a plan for me. I know that my Heavenly Father has some part of His great plan that involves me in some way that I find myself blessed past what I feel I should be blessed with. I know that I should not doubt. I know that the atonement is at work in my life. Confession of improper acts is important step but that is not full repentance.
How do you forgive yourself when you feel that you did not deserve to be forgiven? I know that my sins have been taken away from me. I am doing everything that I have been told to do and I have felt everything lifted off of me but I still struggle and fight. I know it is true that every time it gets harder but that there is always forgiveness. I feel my savoir with me at all times and in everything I have been doing. I also feel Satan trying to beat me down again.
Another vital aspect of repentance is to recognize the role of the Savior through His Atonement. Indeed, it is that very Atonement that makes repentance even possible. As you pray and ponder the role of Jesus Christ as your Savior and Redeemer, you will acquire great motivation and encouragement to help you repent. I believe that no matter how diligently you try, you cannot with your human mind fully comprehend the eternal significance of the Atonement nor fully understand how it was accomplished. We can only appreciate in the smallest measure what it cost the Savior in pain, anguish, and suffering or how difficult it was for our Father in Heaven to see His Son experience the incomparable challenge of His Atonement. Even so, you should conscientiously study the Atonement to understand it as well as you can
This is not the end for me. I have not learned all that I need to learn. I started writing this paper thinking I was going to end it bearing my testimony on the atonement and yet at the same time having to contradict my testimony by saying those things like how I do not feel I should be forgiven. I know that I will have many questions when I get to meet Heavenly Father and Christ at the gate. I know that this life is hard. These feelings and emotions that I have been stuck with and struggling with and crying myself to sleep with every night for the last month and a half in time will be solved. The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life…trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life.
I know that the church is true. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of all things in our lives. I know that no matter what trails and struggles that I go through that he is there for me, through prayer and scripture study I have so much left for me to learn. I know that my sins and mistakes have all been forgiven because my savior bled and died for me. I know that as I remember these things and stop doubting and learn to forgive myself the atonement will keep working and will be something constant in my life. I have felt and do feel the atonement in my life and I know that without it I would not be here today. I know that the Lord has a plan for me, and I know that even if I make mistakes that as I use the atonement He is proud of me for doing what is right. I am thankful for the trials in my life, at the time I hate them, but once it is all done I look back and see how much I have grown and learned. I am thankful for the words of the leaders of the church, without them I don’t think I would have grown so much through my study for this paper. I do know that this church is true with all my heart. I know that because of the atonement that I will meet Heavenly Father and Christ at the Gate and they can and will be proud of me and will embrace me and welcome me home. I cannot wait for that day. I know that I am not perfect, I am human, and I know that I will make more mistakes Heavenly Father already planned for that and gave the world his son and the atonement. Though your sins be red as scarlet they will be white as snow. I am blessed by the atonement. I know its power is true. I know that what was once broken can now be whole because of the sacrifice of love, the atonement. I know that I have been forgiven and can always be forgiven.
<3 Erin Christina
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Sometimes I want to just be done
There are times when I just want to be done with this dumb test life here on earth. There are times that I think this place has NOTHING left to offer me. There are times that I just feel like there is no one on the flipping planet that can give a rats ass (sry for the wording) about my life and anything in it.
No matter how much on the outside I seem like I am an optimist I really and truely am a pessimist. I hate the depression that at every turn in my life I just don't want it. I think the whole world is against me and wants me gone. I cannot stand other peoples happiness, how sad is that. I see people happy and I want to just die. It only makes matters worse for me living in an apt that everyone is in a relationship, I live in a life where it is not normal to be single and yet I am. I don't even get asked out on date and I don't know whats wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. What is wrong with me. What is my defect. Why can't I be happy. I try. I go into everyday with the mindset of being happy, but by the end of the day I just wish that Heavenly Fathers plan for me would be done and I can go home to him again.
I don't have anyone to talk to that wont just tell me to suck it up or thats life get over it.
I hurt inside. No one fully understands that. No one understands that there is something wrong with me that no matter how much I know that its life and I should get over it that something inside just keeps telling me I am worthless and better off dead. Yes it could be half satan telling me that, I know that I am still going though a lot but this has been in my life for a long time and as I am getting older it gets worse.
I hate me. I hate everything about me. I feel worthless. I feel alone. The only person that cares is Christ and my Heavenly Father. We were not ment to go on this life alone and hurting like this. We are suppose to have friends, but where are mine? They are all too busy with boyfriends and girlfriends. They are too busy decieding that I am not worth any of their time. They are too busy to even acknoledge that I am alive.
I miss Spencer. I got a letter from him today. It made my day. I love him so much, he is one of my best friends. But I know that soon after he gets home he will meet this beautiful girl. He will call me and tell me all about her, and that will be the last I hear from him until I get a wedding annoucement. How do I know this? It is my life. I have lost hope for most anything and everything in my life. I just don't even know what to do half the time anymore. I don't even want to try. I just want to be done. I don't see anything. I don't have anything to keep going for. I hate this. I hate all of it.
<3 Erin Christina
No matter how much on the outside I seem like I am an optimist I really and truely am a pessimist. I hate the depression that at every turn in my life I just don't want it. I think the whole world is against me and wants me gone. I cannot stand other peoples happiness, how sad is that. I see people happy and I want to just die. It only makes matters worse for me living in an apt that everyone is in a relationship, I live in a life where it is not normal to be single and yet I am. I don't even get asked out on date and I don't know whats wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. What is wrong with me. What is my defect. Why can't I be happy. I try. I go into everyday with the mindset of being happy, but by the end of the day I just wish that Heavenly Fathers plan for me would be done and I can go home to him again.
I don't have anyone to talk to that wont just tell me to suck it up or thats life get over it.
I hurt inside. No one fully understands that. No one understands that there is something wrong with me that no matter how much I know that its life and I should get over it that something inside just keeps telling me I am worthless and better off dead. Yes it could be half satan telling me that, I know that I am still going though a lot but this has been in my life for a long time and as I am getting older it gets worse.
I hate me. I hate everything about me. I feel worthless. I feel alone. The only person that cares is Christ and my Heavenly Father. We were not ment to go on this life alone and hurting like this. We are suppose to have friends, but where are mine? They are all too busy with boyfriends and girlfriends. They are too busy decieding that I am not worth any of their time. They are too busy to even acknoledge that I am alive.
I miss Spencer. I got a letter from him today. It made my day. I love him so much, he is one of my best friends. But I know that soon after he gets home he will meet this beautiful girl. He will call me and tell me all about her, and that will be the last I hear from him until I get a wedding annoucement. How do I know this? It is my life. I have lost hope for most anything and everything in my life. I just don't even know what to do half the time anymore. I don't even want to try. I just want to be done. I don't see anything. I don't have anything to keep going for. I hate this. I hate all of it.
<3 Erin Christina
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
It was the best of times it was the worst of times
So this weekend was not the best weekend ever. Got to just love being sick. The whole seeing Mike thing. Dealing with the Hell that I am living in. Not to mention my depression has not been making life easy. There have been many nights of crying myself to sleep. Wishing I wasn’t alive. Praying for it all to end. Last night was the first night in a while that I have not cried myself to sleep. Natalia Angelica May came and visited me. He and her boy friend Kenji who I got know a little bit and totally approve of him. I believe the thing that made me like him so much was seeing how happy she is. I remember back home things were not the best, and I hated seeing her how she was, it hurt me seeing her hurt. It brings joy into my heart knowing and being able to see how happy she is. Also in a time that I have felt that everyone I have once loved has turned away from me she comes in just like nothing had ever happened and she brings that joy back that I have missed. I have not had such a good day in a while. We didn’t even do much but hang out and that really was enough for me. I suck at being a hostess but it was a good time. He is a good guy, I did feel bad how he kept paying for things I wanted to pitch in but never got the chance.
The time they were here I was also feeling really good, about an hour after they had left my body crashed and I went back to feeling yucky and my voice has to try hard to try to even get a sound out. It is a good thing that I am not in the elementary school this week hah.
I am giving my life a second shot for optimism. Whatever is suppose to happen, whatever Heavenly Father has planed will happen and I will be ready for it. I am just happy to be reminded that I am not alone. Natalia is one of my best friends and I am happy that we can still sit there and just laugh because we do know what the other is thinking. I am so grateful that they were able to make the trip out here. I don’t know if they will ever fully understand the true impact that made on my life and my thoughts and my doubts and my fears about a lot of different things.
We got Chinese food today and my fortune told me that this year I will be focused on my family or something like that. I thought about it and it is true in a way. It may not be my family back home but my future family. I am working a lot on myself. I want to be the best that I can be FOR THEM.
My heart is happy. I have my best friend back in my life. She might have never left, I still don’t know what really happened but I wasn’t going to ruin anything by asking questions like that, because none of that really matters to me as long as things can stay as there have become now and things can maybe go back to how they use to be with her and me.
I love Natalia Angelica May and hope to at the end of the semester spend some time with her before going home. And I do love Kenji, he is pretty dang cool.
<3 Erin Christina
The time they were here I was also feeling really good, about an hour after they had left my body crashed and I went back to feeling yucky and my voice has to try hard to try to even get a sound out. It is a good thing that I am not in the elementary school this week hah.
I am giving my life a second shot for optimism. Whatever is suppose to happen, whatever Heavenly Father has planed will happen and I will be ready for it. I am just happy to be reminded that I am not alone. Natalia is one of my best friends and I am happy that we can still sit there and just laugh because we do know what the other is thinking. I am so grateful that they were able to make the trip out here. I don’t know if they will ever fully understand the true impact that made on my life and my thoughts and my doubts and my fears about a lot of different things.
We got Chinese food today and my fortune told me that this year I will be focused on my family or something like that. I thought about it and it is true in a way. It may not be my family back home but my future family. I am working a lot on myself. I want to be the best that I can be FOR THEM.
My heart is happy. I have my best friend back in my life. She might have never left, I still don’t know what really happened but I wasn’t going to ruin anything by asking questions like that, because none of that really matters to me as long as things can stay as there have become now and things can maybe go back to how they use to be with her and me.
I love Natalia Angelica May and hope to at the end of the semester spend some time with her before going home. And I do love Kenji, he is pretty dang cool.
<3 Erin Christina
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