Atonement

What do I say.
It has been a while.
So much has happened.
I opened my mouth on Sunday.
I heard those words that have haunted me.
I saw myself leaving and going home, saying goodbye.
I am here.  For good.  This is my home, and I wouldnt have it any other way.
For the first time in what feels like forever I feel the spirit in my life at all times.  I love it.  I love being happy, Truely happy.  My apt is amazing full of amazing people and no contention this semester.  I am meeting lots of people, finding out I am related to people.  I am going to LOVE my calling this semester.  It makes meso happy to be, well happy. 
The next thing to get off my list is talk to Mike and say my final goodbye unless he choses to have anything to do with me.  But he doesnt work that way, or so he says.  So after I get him to go on a walk with me and I talk to him, he will write me out of his life.  And you know what, that is ok, because I will have pain, but I will also be able to tell him stuff that I should of said a long time ago. 
It has been a year now that I have wanted no one other then him.  Has taken control of so much, and I have given up so much JUST IN HOPES that I could be with him and that he would want me over all those other girls.
I use to feel like trash, but now I feel so much better.  I do not regreat my past but embrase it as a learning experince.  I know that I know things about me and I think through meeting and talking with the bishiop and going to the temple I will find more of me that has been missing out.

I am the choir director this semester and I have put together an arrangment that I am so excited about.  It will sound so amazing!

I met the daughter of my moms 2nd cousin.  Both of us are pretty excited to find out we are related.  Allyson Kelley is in my ward and I have also asked her to play the piano for choir.

All my fears about talking to my bishop were faced, and the words about sending me home were said.  But he wants me to stay here.  He wants to work with me. 
"Never doubt that you are amazing and wonderful, because you are, always have been and always will be"

I will be going to the temple at least once a week this semester (Yes I am worthy and the bishop told me that I NEED to be going, basicly a commandment for  me to be going, so I pretty much have to.)

My life is wonderful.  I have happy.  I have back pains and stress and lots of homework.  But through the triedness and stress, it does not make my day or life any less wonderful then it is now.

Pure and Holy.  Clean as snow.  I hope to keep my life in order.  I still need to make habbit of prayer and scripture.  I look forward to life, and  taking what it gives me, rather then hoping and working twords a goal that is not best fit for me at this time. 

If things happen they happen, in the Lords time and way.


<3  Erin Christina

I don't Understand

So this was day three of the semester.  Yea I am on the stressed side of life.  My classes are pretty killer, but at the same time kind of fun.  I just have to learn to get back into the swing of things and get organized again.
Tomorrow I am in the school!!! How cool is that.  I wont be in the first grade classroom I was assigned just yet, but we will get to have a meeting with the principal of the school and also ask the questions for our first paper due next week.  So I will be staying busy with school work and what not ... OH JOY ... hah oh well.

I was asked out the other night.  I don't know when the date will be, but I did say yes to a date.  I know right, HUGE thing for me, since I am pretty much anti-dating .. two of friends (G and Ryan) are making a big deal about it. 

So I texted Mike and just like I thought he did not reply.  No I was not caving and wanting to see him, but just like always, he is hurt by a girl and it kills me when that happens.  I can't really say it is unfair, but it does feel like it and I wish that I was allowed to hurt so bad.  But I am allowed to right?  I have been "chasing" this guy for a year.  Wanting to be with him at any cost.  I wish I had known back then that the cost would be this high.  I hurt so bad.  I want nothing more then for him to be happy, for these girls to just stop walking all over him and treating him so wrong.  I know that I wouldnt treat him that way, but I am not the girl he wants.  I have to give up on him.  I have to take back my life to being MINE.  Yea, I know it will hurt but someday I will get over it.  Someday I will feel better.  Someday.  Someday.  Someday cant come soon enough.  So I will continue to cry over a dumb boy, until I heal.  But I wont let this effect my life.  I have already started to bring myself up and  be who I use to be.  It will take some time and I know I will never fully heal but getting hurt by a guy should not control my life.  Everything will work out the way the Lord has planed.  Lets just hope he has me planed to stay here, I dont want to go home, not yet, not now.

Well one of my roomies April made crepes and I am going to go eat one.

<3  Erin Christina

I can turn my heart around with just one step.

Dear Sir,
One year ago today we met.  Well, at least one year ago I first saw you.  I can't believe all that has happened in this last year between you and me.  One year ago I wanted nothing but to be with you, and look at where that got me.  I tried so hard to be that girl that you needed in your life, and I have now turned into the last thing you need in your life now.  I changed for you, to be with you, why did I do that. 
But now I am going to try to change back. 
I know it is going to be hard
I know that I am risking so much, but all that I did to be with you was not me changing for the better.  I have learned a lot from you.  You will always hold a part of my heart. 
You said that we could not do things if there was an attachment, and well, there is, there has always been, from the start and I know I told you that.  I cant play this game anymore, I cant keep hurting myself for you.  I would do anything to be with you and that is the worst thing that I could need to do in my life. 
I am going to spread my wings and soar to higher things, the sky is my limit.  I still have that answer to my prayer screaming at me, but if it really is meant to me, then well let our reunion be a sweet colision of destenies. 
I will never forget everything that happened this last year.  I wish I could of been that girl.  The one that you would fall in love with, but who am I fooling, I knew from the very start you were to good to be true.  I wish I didnt have to write these words, and I know I am going to have to tell you some time.  I wish I could of stayed being that girl you needed in your life, the one to help you up hold your priesthood.  I wish I had stuck to my standards and know the things that I have to do and make sure you knew them too, not believe you.  I trusted you way to much. 
I can't keep going another year telling myself that you will eventually choose me. 
I have to practice what I preach.
I have to be the daughter of God I am suppose to be.
I want to go to the temple and have the spirit in my life at all times and I can't keep pretending everything is all right. 
I want to be with you.  I want to be the one that you call yours.  I want you to stop not seeing what is right infrount of you.
I can't be something I am not.
I am sry I am not good enough for you.
Maybe someday, when you are ready for me in your life, maybe someday we will be together, but for now, I have to say goodbye or I will lose my life waiting for you, and I just can't do that.
I do not believe in goodbye, so I hope to see you soon.  Enjoy the life you have now.  And when you are ready, I hope I can  be there for you, but I cannot make any promises.
I will always see you as a friend, such a good close friend, someone that I feel like I can talk to about anything.  You have no clue how hard this is for me.  I didnt love you, but it was something pretty darn close, and the heart brake that you fixed has come undone and I have no clue what to do anymore.  But I guess that is the way life is supposed to be.
Talk to you Later.
<3 Always and Forever,
Erin Chrisitna

I CAN Change

There are days
You stumble and you fall
And sometimes through it all
You think you'll never stand again
There are times
When choices weigh you down
And bend you to the ground
That's a place that we've all been … but
(Chorus)
You can change
You can turn your heart around
A brand new start can be found
If you'll only take one step
You can change
Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon
And let them die
And emerge a butterfly
You can change
Now it's time
To finally spread your wings
And soar to higher things
You know the limit is the sky
As you go
If you sometimes fail
When your spirit's frail
Remember you were meant to fly
(Chorus)
You can change
Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon
And let them die
And emerge a butterfly


<3  Erin Christina

Some New Beginnings

Ok, a few hours ago there was a lot that I wanted to write, but I am going to make this short and sweet so I can go to bed, I am pretty tired and my back kind of hurts.  I know I havent been that good at writing here about things going on, because well, nothing that good has been going on.  I however and going to try to change that. 
School is going to kick my but this semester, I can just feel it, my religion class it pretty hard core, as in A LOT OF WORK, but maybe that is what I need.  All my other classes are just about like that too.  I have to even learn and play wonderfully and well the recorder for my music methods class.  Like I said school is going to kick my butt this semester. 
I am worried and I dont know what to do, but I think I am going to be drawing way closer to my Heavenly Father this semester. 
Every time you think you have finshed, the Lord gives you more to do.  My work on this Earth has bearly just begun, and I am still learning about me.
Please however keep me in your prayers.  I am soon to do something that might change my life forever ... ok it is not as bad as you think and it will change me, BUT, I know I have to do it.  I am scared, but I know I have to do it.

So I will let you know tomorrow how my first two classes went.
Love you all!

<3  Erin Christina

My Child Lit Final

Lessons from Stargirl


Stargirl is not normal; it is not hard to come down to the conclusion that she is different from everyone else, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is just not one thing that I learned from Stargirl; in fact throughout the two books I learned a lot of different life lessons. Everything in this list is something she taught me. Each thing I have learned I have taken and tried to give it a home in my life, so I can be more like Stargirl and I can be more of the star person that lives inside of me.

Stargirl taught me….

 Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

 Don’t be afraid to dance WHEN everyone is watching

 Sing OUT LOUD

 Give to those in need

 Give to those not in need

 Go out of your way to make someone smile

 Not every day is a 20 pebble day

 Some days really can be as bad as a 3 pebble day

 It really doesn’t matter what other people think

 Cheer for the other team

 Have faith in yourself

 Never change who you are for a boy

 Never change yourself for anyone BUT yourself

 One person CAN make a difference

 You don’t have to take credit for everything that you do

 Morn with those who morn

 Comfort those in need of comfort

 Don’t be afraid to love someone

 Don’t be ashamed to love someone

 Changing yourself won’t always make you happy

 Changing yourself won’t always get you what you want

 If being yourself isn’t good enough than they are not ready for you

 Even star people have heartache

 When we do change for a reason other then what is best for us, we can always find ourselves again

 There is a little Stargirl in all of us

 Send random gifts to people

 Making people smile will also make you smile

 Letting a guy occupy space in your life, waiting on him, trying to imagine him in your future when he isn’t even in your present prevents you from moving forward.

 You will always miss them

 You will still have the memories

 BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER ABANDON YOURSELF FOR HIM

 You cannot be faithful to them without being faithful to him

 When something happens and you lose yourself you can always reclaim yourself

 You can always reclaim your future as YOURS not THEIRS

 Give the world yourself – the REAL YOU

 Never give someone half of who you are

 Just because someone isn’t ready for you now doesn’t mean it is a lost cause

 Listen to your friends

 Do not take your friends opinions lightly

 Your friends sometimes know you better then you know yourself

 You can work through your feelings by having a conversation with that person but not really talking to that person but just imagining it

 Loneliness can make you venerable and confuse your feelings

 Don’t EVER throw yourself at a man

 Inhabit the moment

 Live today

 Even if violins play, it doesn’t mean he is the one

 You need to listen with the eyes and ears of your heart

 Sometimes guys will just confuse you to the point where you will be embarrassed that it took you so long to see it (whether it be good or bad)

 Embarrassed, for believing that you were the only one who felt a certain way

 Insulted when you thought someone liked you and they did not

 Relieved when you didn’t like someone and you find out that they didn’t like you that way either

 Curious to what happens next

 If something is meant to be, if destinies are meant to cross again, they will as long as you hope and believe they will

 When you can’t really tell someone what you want to, write the never ending letter to them. Work through your thoughts and feelings that way and you will feel better. That way you can say whatever you want to them.

Stargirl taught me about how to deal with guys, how to deal with bad days, how to find happiness in everyday. Stargirl have a big heart and she makes me want to be a better person. Stargirl helped me and reminded me of whom I really am, who I really need to be. Just one example of the many things was remembering the many times I have changed myself to fit in. After seeing how she got Leo and ever Parry to notice her and seem interested in her (doing nothing) it is ridiculous to think back to everything I have done to make a guy notice me. I remember even back in high school I went through a time where I didn’t even know who I was because I was a different person at home, at school, at color guard, at church, and any place I went I was someone different just so I could fit in. Just like how Stargirl felt when she was not herself, I am not happy not being me. People are always changing who they are; I even see it in some of my good close friends. They are changing for different groups of friends, for church leaders, for teachers, for boys, no one is being the real them, they are all being the person that someone else wants them to be. I just want to be me, like Stargirl was; she had the courage to be herself, and I want to have that too. This was just one little thing, just one little example, but something that if I work hard at, can really change my life.

What I learned from Stargirl has changed me and has given me hope and has told me how stupid I have been. I no longer want to doubt me and trust in a HIM as to what I need to be doing. She has made me want to embrace the star person inside me.



“May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies.”

<3  Erin Christina