The Worst Thing is

Thursday I thought I saw him.
Friday I did see him.  He is still here.  He never left.
I have not been able to be positive on myself since.
This has spiraled me deeper into depression.
It is horrible.
It just makes me think that I really am good for nothing.
I have no one to really talk to about these things.

The words in the last post cant even come close to the feelings and thought that I have been going though this weekend.  I want to yell at him!! Cuss at him!! Punch, kick, splap, anything and everything to him. 

Everything was a lie.

I do not think I can ever trust another human ever again.


To make matters oh so much better.  A guy that I have been interested in is interested in my roommate and she is way into him.  I hate even being around it.  Just makes me think even more about the fact that I am just not good enough for anything or anyone.

I have been sick this weekend.  Threw up when I thought my body didnt even know how to anymore.  I think I have been getting sick, explains why I have been so weak and tired all week. 

Well guess here is to going on with what feels like a pointless exsistance.

No school tomorrow and Tali and her boy are on there way up here for a visit.  I am pretty excited.  After all that I have thought how she hates me and never wants to ever have anything to do with me ever again here she is coming back into my life.  It feels right, the thing I need most right now is a friend and as it seems it is also the time I feel everyone has abondoned me. 

<3  Erin Christina

Today Hurt

I thought I saw him.
I wanted to run to him.
Yell out his name. 
Tell him to wait.
I couldn't move.
I could't speak.
Couldn't breath.
I knew it couldn't be him.
He isn't here anymore.
Something  inside, though, wanted it to be him.
I just stood there.
A few tears ran down my face.
I know people looked at me funny.
But I payed no attention to anything around me.
I was alone in a world.
Frozen in time.
Why would this come back now? 
I had been doing so good.
He barely comes into my thoughts any more.
Thinking I saw him has destoried everything I have been working on the last three weeks. 
Every cut reopened.
I wanted to fall to the ground and cry.
That would be letting him win.
I own my life.
It is funny how not that he is gone I know that I can openly admit that I know I loved him.
So this is what love feels like...
I never want anything to do with it ever again.
I don't ever want to feel this pain ever again.
I cannot got through this ever again.

Why does my heart still call his name? 
Why does can't my heart forget him?
Why can't I move on?
...I thought I was...

I thought he was gone...I guess I was wrong.

(I guess the funny part was as I watched this guy walk I looked at how he walked just to make sure 100% that he was not Michael.  This guy walked like a normal person - 2 real legs!)


<3  Erin Christina

Yuck.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.  Every year I have lost weight up at school. .. what is wrong with this year!!

I put on a pair of dress pants yesterday and they did not fit .. like AT ALL!  way too small ... yea ... something has got to change.

well I have to run to class.

<3  Erin Christina

Skills

Ok I dont have skills but welcome to my new and improved looking blog...I still cant figaure out music but that is something for another day.

so a close thought for the day...

Is it wrong to maybe kinda might has a cruch or think that a guy is attractive ... that looks like someone you have dated in the past?


<3  Erin Christina

Slow and steady

Just like the tortous win the race, things take time and you will often lose so much if you speed through things like the hare did. 
So I should be thankful for things taking their own sweet time.  It is hard and I get impatent but in the end I do believe that everything will be worth it.  Heart brake takes time to heal and mend, so I just have to live with it.  I know I wont hurt forever, and I know eventually I will stop blaiming myself for everything.  I also know that hopefully soon I will escape from this depression that is trying to weigh me down.  I am fighting it like crazy. 
The right place, the right time, the right person.  It keeps coming into my head.  It does not matter if the right person comes along if it is not the right time or would not be in the right place.  Plus, there is not just one right person out there..there are many people who would be that right person and would make you so happy, you HAVE to watch out for those other two. 
I am slowly but surely getting back to being me.  But I cannot help but still put up that wall and lock the world out. 

Satuday the choir sang at stake conference and they did amazing.  I even got a letter from pres. Kush and that just made my day and week and has just helped me feel like I am noticed, and I can do something important.  It really brought meaning and light to what hate and darkness I feel for myself. 
My back had been causing me issues lately.  But that is nothing I am not used too.
School is well school.  I haven't posted my last two journals for Early Feild, I will post them soon, most likely along with  the one I will right for this week.  I have lots and lots of homework and projects and reasons for wanting death (jk on the last part)  but I KNOW that with the Lord all things are possible.  As long as I keep my faith and trust in him and keep doing what I am suppose to be doing, My Heavenly Father will watch over me. 

Well I should already be already for school and I am not.  Gotta run.

<3  Erin Christina

i dont want to write this post

I wont have all that needs to be in here, I have been putting it off.
On Mikes birthday we talked.  I stood up for what I believed in, I wasnt able to talk to him before he started doing what we always did.  I stoped him.  I was written out of his life. 
I feel like a butt face for a letter I wrote him, asking him to talk to his bishop or my bishop will find his and he has already talked to him.  He is leaving and I will never see him again. 
It kills me to know the results of choices we make, even more so knowing I get to stay here at school, and he is sent home. 
He was already talking with his homeward bishop.  He he told him to stop, but he wasnt ready, I changed before he wanted me to. 
He is packing up and leaving.
He says it is all whatever.
Hey says I ripped his heart out .. I say whatever.  He destroyed me so many times, and from the blogs over the last year .. you all know that.  But that is what hurts the most "you ripped my heart out".  That is the last of the messages he sent to me "It's better if you go your way and I go mine"  He knows what to say to hurt me of just to get me to feel whatever he wants me to feel and it works every time.
It still hurts me deep down inside and now I am having fault issues, blaiming myself.
All I ever wanted was to be with Mike.  And now I will never see him again.
Everything happens for a reason.
The Lord has his plans and knows all that will happen.  Everything is to make us who we are and make us stronger.  Every experince is to help us learn and help us grow.

So ladies and gentelmen, I wouldnt be supprised if this is the last post about Michael Parkes.  The closest I have ever been to being in love with a guy.  He had my heart, he did.  I know I have his forgiveness and I cna start building everything again.  Will I ever forget him, no I wont.  He will always have that place in my heart.  No matter how much my friends and everyone hated him, he was a truly amazing guy that I did respect a lot. 

Here is to a new beginning.  Who knows what Heavenly Father has in store for me.  I do know for a fact that he wants me here, or I would be home as well. 

Happy Mothers day.
I love you mommy.  I am sorry for all the dumb things that I have done that has made you asshamed of me, but you never stoped loving me.
Everything good that I am I have learned from watching you.  You have been such an exsample to me.  I'm sorry that I havent talked you you about any of this stuff, you really should know, and yet I have shut you out of my life, and took my stress out on you today.  Mom I love you more than anything,  I really do, I am so happy that you are my mom, I couldnt ask for another. 

My life is a mess right now, school wise, it is a good thing I have things cleaned up so the only stress I have is school, and yes I am way stressed.  But I know my Heavenly Father is there. 

<3  Erin Christina

In the classroom

Erin Christina Elliott


May 1, 2010

April 23- April 30

Journal

These first few days of going to the elementary school and interacting with the students have been a wonderful experience. The first two days was just observing and seeing how the class is run. Mrs. Cranmer would come and talk to us during the student’s recesses time and ask us if we had questions or explain a few different things about her classroom and how things are done. One thing I learned from her kind of goes against what we are taught in our classes here at school. All my teachers stress lesson plans and how important they are and tell us that we will be making them for everything for the rest of our lives, but my cooperating teacher told us that we won’t. We, as teachers, will be making some lesson plans, but if we make a lesson plan for every lesson that we are going to teach then we will be spending all our time making lesson plans. She told us that some lessons we will make a lesson plan for and some we will just teach.

A teacher needs to be in control of their class. Every teacher has their own way of running their classroom and it is important to make sure the class knows those rules. Mrs. Cranmer runs her class under a schedule and the class knows the rules of the class. This last Friday she actually changed up the routine and the class didn’t know what to think of it. I have learned that watching the teacher teach and actually be up and helping in the classroom are two different things. These students are learning differently then I learned. I am sitting in the back of the class observing the students learning and learning phonics myself. I am very thankful for my literacy class to help me understand these things that the students are learning and the things that I know I will be helping teach the students, though I am pretty sure they will be teaching me more then I them.

These students are in such a great learning environment and I can tell that they do learn and for the most part enjoy learning. The teachers know their students and how each student learns and creates the learning environment that best fits the class’s needs. Mrs. Cranmer always asks us if there are any questions that we have that need to be answered and even when we don’t have any questions she gives us information about what the class is doing and why they are doing it. I have started picking up on the cues that she gives to the class and how in control she is of the tone of her voice and words she uses even when the class or single students get in trouble. After observing for a week I am excited to start teaching, but on the nervous side too. I am working on that because I know that I cannot let the students know that I am intimidated or anything about teaching them, or I know that they will try to walk all over me.