Erin's Escape: Eating Disorders

So in my Health&Welless class we are talking about eating disorders which brings me back in time.

For those of you who have known me for a while might know that I have struggled in the past and even yes the presesnt with eating disorders ... not only that but with self-immage. They are kinda linked together.

Growing up I never really had a great body immage of myself. I really did hate me and everything about me.

My freshman year of high school I took a health class where we learned about eating disorders, where the opposit of what was supposed to happen happened. It didnt teach me to not have one but gave the ideas I didnt think of to lose weight.

My softmore year of high school I was told by my guard instructor that is was fat and had to lose some weight. I was hurt, BADLY by that. Not only did I already have a bad self-immage but now she was telling me that I HAD to lose some weight.

My Jr. year is when I crashed. I perposely bought a dress that was to small so that I HAD to lose the weight to fit into it by banquit time. I started skipping meals, working out extra hard and couting calories. I didnt even want to hit 1000 calories .. I was living off of 100 calorie packs almost. I would eat the school lunchs so my friends wouldnt think anything was up .. but poeple could see the weight I was dropping. I had droped 20lbs in 3 months, and everyone knew that something was wrong with me .. oh and 5 of those lbs came off in 1week.

I fit into my dress!! It was even kinda big on me, and I also had a better body immage, but, I wasnt healthy.

That summer I droped another 5lbs. I was upset that after hiking in the Mts for 2 weeks I hadnt lost as much as I wanted to. That summer though I did work on getting myself healthy again...I kept the good body that I had but gained the muscle and good body things I had lost.

I got back on the scale ... and got mad, I was gaining weight again!! and well I looked in the mirror and there was a new person and I hated what I saw.

I strugled my whole Sr. year with not going back to those ways.

Ever since I have gone back and forth with an eating disorder. I will eat 3 times a day but I wont eat right in hopes that I will start to look better.

I droped 15lbs my freshman year of college -- in 1 month. I want home for a wedding and everyone there said that i looked sick and was way to skinny for my own good. I looked unheathy. Back out to school I tried to get healthy again, and fought the fight to put some weight back on. All and all had shunk a pant size that 1st semester. I am happy that I am still wearing that size, though I could fit into a good friends wedding dress who is smaller then me, kinda scared me. I am afraid to try on a smaller pant size becuase I am getting to the point that these jeans as well dont fit me. Its scary! My mind thinks one way, but once I see the numbers on the scale I see something else in the mirror.

I have felt me putting on and losing weight this semester, though my not eating and eating and not eating. A few days ago a friend of mine from home commented my wall telling me to eat that I was too thin. It really does scare me when people tell me that. It makes me worry, I dont, I cant get cought in in my circle again. Though I already hear myself doing it, by planning to go running every MWF of next semester -- well not running but jogging/walking ... burning calories!!

I took a servay today for my class and it told me that I am sitting in the signs of haveing a bad self immage. That this is dangerious becuase that leads to eating disorders, WELL DUH!! I KNOW THAT. I was happy to see though the other half of the servay said that I didnt, but I did lay dangeriouly close to getting traped in one ... again I know that. I am working on it!

Sitting in my class talking about this stuff doesnt help me with stuggling, it kinda hurts and brings back all the memories of what I have done to myself in the past. It scars me that I might subconciously start going back to that.

anyways .. that was on my mind

<3 Erin Christina

the pics are out of order bc this thing wont put them how i tell it too..but the fact is to show how i changed over time .. i kinda skipped from June '08 to Feb '09 bc my weight also went crazy while i was at home and it would just end up to many many pics and I got tired of finding them.