Being Sick Makes Me Depressed

Maybe it is because i am sick or maybe it is becuase the drugs have worn off and I feel misserable right now but I just want to cry, and have for a while now. I have reached a week of being sick, have spent close to the last of my money on medicine to help me feel better, and I just dont seem to be getting better. I have kinda started stressing about being sick and its making me worse, and I dont know what to do anymore.

So I was sitting in my science class on Tuesday and looked at my grade, I have an 82 and i started crying. It is not good enough. I will never be good enough.

I am trying my best in all my classes, but when my grades get sent home I will get a phone call saying, why arnt all those Bs As?

All my life nothing has ever been good enough for my paretns...My Dad. I cant ever seem to make him happy or to be good enough for him.

he hates the fact that I am LDS, that I go to a church shcool, he hates my belifes nad that I believe them, he has never liked any mormon boy I have dated, and I just feel like I can never make him happy. I spend so much of my time trying to get a "good job" "I am proud of you" anything like that from him, and it really be meaning full. Anytime in my life I have done something I am proud of and I go to my parents they compare me to someone else better then me.

Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I try so hard. I do my best, I cant be anymore then I am.

BUT when I mess up, the whole world knows. I cant get anything out of doing my best, but when I stumble, its hell on eath from my dad. Its one of the most scary things in my life is for him to be mad at me. I try and I try and I try. I dont ever get the same praise and joy and love that my brothers get, and I get worse punshment then what they get.

It scares me .. will I ever please my dad .. will I ever do anything to make him happy. I just wish I knew what to do to make my parents happy, what do I do...being me just isnt enough. I have to be more. I have to be greater. Do I go off and do something that i dont want to do with my life. I could be a special ed major and make my mom proud. I could leave the church and hate mormons and make my dad happy. BUT those wouldnt make me happy...it would infact make me miserable. I love the major I am in, I dont think I would be happy anywhere else..I made my mom happy by changing my major because she NEVER thought that I could do what I wanted to do. I love the church I go to. I love my religion. I know what I believe ... I am a daughter of God who loves me, I know who I am, I know Gods plan, I am a memeber of the only true church on this earth, I wouldnt leave it for anything!!

I am the black sheep of my family. I am the out cast. I am the person that doesnt fit in. I dont know how to, I dont know what to do. I am my own person, and it is not good enough. I have never felt accepted by my family. I just want to feel apart of them, but I have to be my own person.

Sometimes, I just dont know what to do.

Will I ever be good enough for my parents, for my family, for myself?



<3 Erin Christina