Tears

..of stress
..of pain
..of fears
..of doubts
..of what ifs
..of everything that Satan wants me thinking of.
Where is the happiness that I know I should have in my heart.  The care free feeling a Senior should be having.  I should be excited about graduation and yet I am doubting and fearing and asking what if I don't make it.
This Praxis has a grip on my heart that I keep trying to get away from.  Bawl my eyes out every night just thinking about it and all the effects that it will have whatever the out come may be.  I have taken it once already and failed by 3 points.  What if I was Lucky it was only three, what if I just had an unreliable grader and I should of passed.  I should not be thinking of these things but I am a pro at beating myself up from the inside out. All my life educationally there have been a few things I struggle with. We all know I cannot spell to save my life and I cant take tests and more so then just tests timed tests, pressured tests.  I hate taking tests in the testing center.  I am out of my environment.  Timed tests I don't have time to think I think I have to finish this or I am screwed.  I barely finished the Praxis last time.
It is just not that either.  Though this does make or break everything I have planed for my future.  But Ryan and Ashleigh had their 2 year anniversary on Monday.  Jonathan and Courtney are having little baby Orry William Elliott any day now.  Then there is me.  single, alone, far away, and may not even finish college because of one test.  Everyone is getting married, having babies, falling in love and I hate that I have a sinking feeling that I just might not get that in my life.  I have already started copping with that fact.  You know it is so scary that Heavenly Father knows everything and I don't, I know nothing.  I have plans that keep getting changed on me.  I threw my motto out the window and opened my heart back up, opened my back up to everyone and what do I find..pain and tears.  I was doing so much fine hiding.  Nothing has changed at all.  Yes I feel a huge weight lifted off.  Like Mike can't hinder me anymore.  But here comes the real Satan in to manipulate the scares deep inside.
Needless to say I feel so afraid and lost in the dark.  Praying and pleading for the help but feeling like this has to be something I have to get through on my own, He knows that I still wont listen.  It is me that will forever beat myself up for everything and anything I can find to put on myself.
I asked my home teachers for a blessing on Sunday that I will be getting either tomorrow night of Friday afternoon and really that is what I am holding on to.  Knowing I will get that and a blessing from my Heavenly Father for comfort and strength.  I can't take this test and get on with the semester on my own.  I feel like even with just my prayers there is still too much fear holding me back.

<3  Erin Christina