Take my hand

Long story short I need a day off.  It has taken me 2 weeks of 35 hour work weeks starting at 8am to realize that I am not super woman.  It has taken sitting in sacriment today and fighting off several panic attacks that came on like ever 5min.  Why I was having them I really didnt know.  Am I over working myself?  NO!! I cannot I need the money.  I have a 40 hour work week starting TODAY.  I cannot be over working myself.  But I can tell you that one week from today I have 3 days off in a row and if you dont see me it is ok because I am thinking of just locking myself in my room.  No more giving up my only day to sleep in to take someone somewhere.  No more helping someone going through something hard or difficult.  I dont know if you know that I am human too.  I dont have magic powers that make everything go away.  I cannot fix anything that is broken.  I dont know if you know that my life is a total mess.  I cannot tell up from down right now.  I live at Kohls.  My coworkers even ask if I ever go home.  But I say this and know that something will come up next tuesday and I will be up way early and helping someone out.  It is who I am.  I have to work early in the morning and you need me I will be there for you no matter how late it is. 

Sometimes I wish I had a friend to hold me as I cried.  I wish I wasnt alone down here.  I wish I was in Idaho where I could go to the temple everyday if I wanted.  Where I can just walk up to my bishop and talk to him.  Where there are a lot of guys that are always there for me and see me struggling and see through my lies.  Guys who walk up to me knowing I cant do this anymore and ask me if I need a blessing knowing that I hate asking for them.  A place that no matter how busy I am with school I still have time for my calling.  A calling that I put everything into and that I love so much. 

I am falling to pieces BUT doing it with a smile on my face.  When you ask I tell you I am tired or I smile a big smile and tell you I am WONDERFUL and try to change the topic to YOU and get it away from ME. 
I NEED the money.  I NEED the hours.  I NEED to live at work and work the next few months away.  There is nothing else I NEED.  I dont NEED to go out and have fun.  I dont NEED to go to church activities.  I dont NEED to do anything but work.  Work is the only thing I get paid for and I NEED to SAVE and EARN money not go out and spend it. 

I got a calling at church.  I told them that I know I am not supposed to say no to a calling so yes though I couldnt do the one you wanted to give me because of work and you are giving me this one now when I DO NOT HAVE TIME to be on a comitee.  I DONT HAVE TIME to go to any meetings.  I DONT HAVE TIME to go to any activities.  I DONT HAVE TIME.  I AM ALWAYS working.  You just dont understand it.  I was on the activities comitee last year and went to NO meetings and NO activities because I was ALWAYS WORKING.  How can I get you all to understand that I just dont have time.  Do I have to go inactive for you to understand that I have a deal with work that if I have to work on Sundays to not have me work durring church.  That is all I ask for.  I would just rather not have a calling.  I dont want to be part of the ward down here.  I am here to work.  That is my life here at home.  Not being social and not church.  I am not good on comitees.  I never speek up at things and I wont go to any of the meetings because I will always be at work. 
I left talking with brother Petty and went to the bathroom and cried.  He has no idea how much he just make me hate being here even more.

I just want to work.  I just want to make enough money to go back to school.  I just want to work.  Leave me alone world.  You dont know me and I dont want to know you.  I dont want to make friends anymore.  I just wanna make money and go back to BYU-Idaho.

<3  Erin Christina

I forgot to mention

How I am grateful for Spencer Taylor Priest.  I love that guy.  He is one of my amazing best friends and I would be lost without him.  I love hearing his voice and I love talking to him.  I cannot wait to see him in December.  

I will be leaving home in December to visit my wonderful beautiful Natalia and will also be seeing and hopefully ridding up to school with Spencer.  

Life is good and full and great and amazing friends.  I love my life and all those who are in it.

Sorry I HAD to make sure to mention Spencer in my post.  I love you Spencer!!  So happy you are home again!

<3  Erin Christina

What is going on

So much has been happening in the life of Erin Christina.  So much that I have to be grateful for.  My life is  blessed with so much good that it is hard to look upon the bad and think negitively about my life.

I have the gospel in my life.  I know what happens when we die and the eternal blessings that will continue to come to us.  Life does just end, there is an eternity of happiness that comes when our earthly lives are over.  I cant wait, well I can wait, but you know what I mean.  I am so grateful to have such truths in my life.  It fills my heart with joy and happiness.

I am blessed with my family.  We had a pretty fun weekend when we all went out to the time share.  I loved spending time with them.  We have had our problems in the past and still do but we most deffinitly get along so much better.  I go to FHE at Ryan and Ashleigh's place for a reason, they are my family, not the singles ward.  Plus, I feel better being there even if it is a bunch of married people.

I am grateful for my job.  The hours might be EARLY but I am getting 30 and plus hours a week.  Last week was 35, this week 34 and next week 40.25 hours.  Keep on giving me these hours Kohls.  They really are giving me the hours I need and it will help me pay for school and housing.

I am so grateful for all the blessings that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  All the trials and oppertunities that I have faced in my life and I am looking forward to more.  I love my life.

Like my best friend has said before: One day down an eternity to go.

Bring on the Rain!!


<3  Erin Christina

quicky post

Sometimes people are just so dumb.  They frustrate me sooo just sooo so. 
People need to get over themselves and relize that there are some people in the wold who just want friends and arent looking for anything else in their lives.  And when you are a jerk and accuse people of things that arent true you lose friends.  So I thought I had a friend down here and I dont anymore.  Back to the beginning.  I want to go back to Idaho,  I miss Kris (in a mission). I miss Tally.  I miss Spencer (just got back from mission). 

So my life consists of work work and more work (Kohls and babysitting).

I am ready for the weekend.  Not going to the condo on friday but on Saturday with my brothers and sister-in-laws.  So I am not going to church on Sunday and I am kind of upset about it, but there isnt much you can do with a dad like mine, we all have to give up things.  Maybe someday there will be someone in my life who doesnt judge me for my dad.

Some people make me upset and I just cannot stand that they dont care about anyone but themselves.


<3  Erin Christina