Take my hand

Long story short I need a day off.  It has taken me 2 weeks of 35 hour work weeks starting at 8am to realize that I am not super woman.  It has taken sitting in sacriment today and fighting off several panic attacks that came on like ever 5min.  Why I was having them I really didnt know.  Am I over working myself?  NO!! I cannot I need the money.  I have a 40 hour work week starting TODAY.  I cannot be over working myself.  But I can tell you that one week from today I have 3 days off in a row and if you dont see me it is ok because I am thinking of just locking myself in my room.  No more giving up my only day to sleep in to take someone somewhere.  No more helping someone going through something hard or difficult.  I dont know if you know that I am human too.  I dont have magic powers that make everything go away.  I cannot fix anything that is broken.  I dont know if you know that my life is a total mess.  I cannot tell up from down right now.  I live at Kohls.  My coworkers even ask if I ever go home.  But I say this and know that something will come up next tuesday and I will be up way early and helping someone out.  It is who I am.  I have to work early in the morning and you need me I will be there for you no matter how late it is. 

Sometimes I wish I had a friend to hold me as I cried.  I wish I wasnt alone down here.  I wish I was in Idaho where I could go to the temple everyday if I wanted.  Where I can just walk up to my bishop and talk to him.  Where there are a lot of guys that are always there for me and see me struggling and see through my lies.  Guys who walk up to me knowing I cant do this anymore and ask me if I need a blessing knowing that I hate asking for them.  A place that no matter how busy I am with school I still have time for my calling.  A calling that I put everything into and that I love so much. 

I am falling to pieces BUT doing it with a smile on my face.  When you ask I tell you I am tired or I smile a big smile and tell you I am WONDERFUL and try to change the topic to YOU and get it away from ME. 
I NEED the money.  I NEED the hours.  I NEED to live at work and work the next few months away.  There is nothing else I NEED.  I dont NEED to go out and have fun.  I dont NEED to go to church activities.  I dont NEED to do anything but work.  Work is the only thing I get paid for and I NEED to SAVE and EARN money not go out and spend it. 

I got a calling at church.  I told them that I know I am not supposed to say no to a calling so yes though I couldnt do the one you wanted to give me because of work and you are giving me this one now when I DO NOT HAVE TIME to be on a comitee.  I DONT HAVE TIME to go to any meetings.  I DONT HAVE TIME to go to any activities.  I DONT HAVE TIME.  I AM ALWAYS working.  You just dont understand it.  I was on the activities comitee last year and went to NO meetings and NO activities because I was ALWAYS WORKING.  How can I get you all to understand that I just dont have time.  Do I have to go inactive for you to understand that I have a deal with work that if I have to work on Sundays to not have me work durring church.  That is all I ask for.  I would just rather not have a calling.  I dont want to be part of the ward down here.  I am here to work.  That is my life here at home.  Not being social and not church.  I am not good on comitees.  I never speek up at things and I wont go to any of the meetings because I will always be at work. 
I left talking with brother Petty and went to the bathroom and cried.  He has no idea how much he just make me hate being here even more.

I just want to work.  I just want to make enough money to go back to school.  I just want to work.  Leave me alone world.  You dont know me and I dont want to know you.  I dont want to make friends anymore.  I just wanna make money and go back to BYU-Idaho.

<3  Erin Christina

I forgot to mention

How I am grateful for Spencer Taylor Priest.  I love that guy.  He is one of my amazing best friends and I would be lost without him.  I love hearing his voice and I love talking to him.  I cannot wait to see him in December.  

I will be leaving home in December to visit my wonderful beautiful Natalia and will also be seeing and hopefully ridding up to school with Spencer.  

Life is good and full and great and amazing friends.  I love my life and all those who are in it.

Sorry I HAD to make sure to mention Spencer in my post.  I love you Spencer!!  So happy you are home again!

<3  Erin Christina

What is going on

So much has been happening in the life of Erin Christina.  So much that I have to be grateful for.  My life is  blessed with so much good that it is hard to look upon the bad and think negitively about my life.

I have the gospel in my life.  I know what happens when we die and the eternal blessings that will continue to come to us.  Life does just end, there is an eternity of happiness that comes when our earthly lives are over.  I cant wait, well I can wait, but you know what I mean.  I am so grateful to have such truths in my life.  It fills my heart with joy and happiness.

I am blessed with my family.  We had a pretty fun weekend when we all went out to the time share.  I loved spending time with them.  We have had our problems in the past and still do but we most deffinitly get along so much better.  I go to FHE at Ryan and Ashleigh's place for a reason, they are my family, not the singles ward.  Plus, I feel better being there even if it is a bunch of married people.

I am grateful for my job.  The hours might be EARLY but I am getting 30 and plus hours a week.  Last week was 35, this week 34 and next week 40.25 hours.  Keep on giving me these hours Kohls.  They really are giving me the hours I need and it will help me pay for school and housing.

I am so grateful for all the blessings that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  All the trials and oppertunities that I have faced in my life and I am looking forward to more.  I love my life.

Like my best friend has said before: One day down an eternity to go.

Bring on the Rain!!


<3  Erin Christina

quicky post

Sometimes people are just so dumb.  They frustrate me sooo just sooo so. 
People need to get over themselves and relize that there are some people in the wold who just want friends and arent looking for anything else in their lives.  And when you are a jerk and accuse people of things that arent true you lose friends.  So I thought I had a friend down here and I dont anymore.  Back to the beginning.  I want to go back to Idaho,  I miss Kris (in a mission). I miss Tally.  I miss Spencer (just got back from mission). 

So my life consists of work work and more work (Kohls and babysitting).

I am ready for the weekend.  Not going to the condo on friday but on Saturday with my brothers and sister-in-laws.  So I am not going to church on Sunday and I am kind of upset about it, but there isnt much you can do with a dad like mine, we all have to give up things.  Maybe someday there will be someone in my life who doesnt judge me for my dad.

Some people make me upset and I just cannot stand that they dont care about anyone but themselves.


<3  Erin Christina

I Have A Plan

But I really don't know what that plan is anymore.  Butterflys, and I really hate them.
It is not that I HATE the felling of them but that I am not ready to have them yet, at least I think I am not.  Plus who knows if the other person has butterflys too.  One date means nothing.

OH .. I havent said anything about the date I went on have I.  OK, I guess I will tell a little about it.

One of my home teachers asked me on a date last week.  We went on a two part date.  He picked me up and we went and cleaned the church.  IHOP after the church.  We went to Southlake Town Square and just walked around and talked until he had to take me to work.  I went to work for a really LONG 8 hours on POS.  He picked me up and we went over to the Weavers (his cousins) and we watched a movie there (Zoolander wich earlier that day I told him was one of my favorites).  We cuddled.  We held hands.  We layed in the grass and watched stars.  He smelt really good.  He is cool.  We like a lot of the same music and he has really good taste in music too.  He makes me laugh.  It was a lot of fun.  He is 2nd date worthy..if that ever happens. 

WELL..I invited him to the condo next weekend.  So something will be with me driving there on Friday and home on satuday for me to get to work at 5.  So I wont be home a lone all weekend I get to go out there for at least one day.  (part of me kinda wants to call in sick to work but I dont have enough hours to aford to lose 6 of them.)  Anyway he said yes, he just has to ask his parents.  I think it would be fun to have someone there to hang out with. 

So that is the situation I am in.  I am giving myself no credit and saying he likes me as a friend/he has to be nice to me because he is my home teacher/he has no interest in me at all.   It is better to put myself down now so it dosent happen later.  ^_^


This post was supposed to be about Ben's Funeral, I guess I will do that when I get home from work tomorrow. 



<3  Erin Christina

One day here next day gone

Live everyday because it might be your last.

You never know when the last time you see someone will be the time that you are spending with them right now.

Last Tuesday I got a phone call from my brother telling me that our friend Ben was killed that morning in Afaginstan.  I hung up the phone with him and didnt know what to think.  I could not believe that Ben could really be gone.  I wouldnt let myself believe it.  I remember just bawling that night when it finally hit me that Ben was no longer with us here on earth. 

I cannot believe that Ben is gone.  I am so proud of him.  Ben was an amazing guy.  He never failed to make me smile.  I can remember first meeting  him.  I can remember all the crazy things all of us went out and did. 

It is hard to think that someone can be here today and gone  tomorrow. 

Thank you Ben for surving your contry.  Thank you Ben for your sacrifice.  I will never forget what you have done.  You will never be forgoten and will live on in all of our hearts forever. 

There's no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go.

I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Now what would you think of me now,

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

I know you are in a better place now.  I know  you died doing what you believe was right.  Thank you Ben, Thank you for everything.
I am going to the funeral tomorrow.
 
<3  Erin Christina

A quick update

I am alive.
I owe a few blogs.
I have had a lot of thoughts and choices that have been throwing me off since comming home.
Sometimes I don't do the best choices thinking I am making a good choice.  It was in stake conferince today when it was said that sometime Satan gets us to make a good choice, but it may not be the better choice or the best.  Good, Better, Best.  I have been good since I have gotten home, but I want to be my BEST.  I keep telling myself I don't fit in at church, but I have been dumb because I do.  I have already experinced how amazing my home teachers are.  I am truly blessed. 

So I owe a few blogs.

One about guys.
One about my friend Ben who was killed last week.
Work.
SPENCER
and I am not sure but I do owe a few blogs because I wont get anywhere with these thoughts if I don't talk them out here.

Something that hit me really hard last night was something my mom said "Plans have a tendincy to not work out."  Why would she jinx my life like that?!  But I got a little taste of how plans can get messed up.  Oh my gosh my head is just going off about all of it.
I am sitting here now thinking with more of an open mind.  Come what may and love it.  I wont stop my life just for my degree.  I need to live my life and enjoy it or I may miss out of something important.

I am going to live my life the BEST I can.  I love the church and all the blessings it has brought into my life and all the blessing I know it will bring.

Well I got to get everything together and off to work. 

<3  Erin Christina