Thinking of You

"If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minse one day, so I would never have to live a day without you."

The quote is haning up in the house I babysit...and I can't help but think when I read it. Why is life so complicated sometime .. but not at the same time .. just so .. meh .. why bother.

<3 Erin Christina

To The One Who Holds The Key

What would I give to just see you one more time.
To have you hold me again like you used too.
To stare into those eyes I love so much,
Those eyes that I can still see when I close my eyes.

What would I give to just have one more day with you.
To hear your voice,
Your laugh,
To see your smile.

What would I give to know why I can't take this charm off.
To know why I can't get you out of my head.
Why don't I know what is going on in my own life,
What price would I pay to know.

You dug deeper in my than I even knew at the time.
You are in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart.
I just wish I knew where I was to you.

We don't talk about us.
We are just friends.
But there is something else.
Something that just hasnt been said.
It eats at me.
There is something in your mind that hasnt been shared with me.
I know there has to be.

I have your knot.
You have my key.
Is there meaning?
Do you still have feelings?
Do you struggle like I do with this?

No you probly don't.
You live everyday and don't even think twice about me.
Or do you?

Do you know whats going on?
You have half the story that I don't.
I can't move on.
If you still wear the key then there has to be something in your mind,
Something that You haven't said,
Something that could bring light and understanding to me!

You never hurt me.
Why?
Is there something there?
Something you want?
I just need to know..
What is on your mind?
What am I to you?

...



<3 Erin Christina

Faith and Fear

This month I have been BLESSED with the wonderful oppertunity to have lots of challenges.
Offten times when thing happen in life we tend to be afraid and get scared and worried that things will not work out. I do tend to get scared when things happen. I constantly worry about money, I know I shouldnt because the Lord will provide for me as long as I do what I am supposed to be doing, but I cant help but worry.
So my trials have brought fear to my heart. The cost of fixing my car, the cost of school, not getting hours at work, not making enough money, looking at my bank account. It scares me. I dont know if I will make it. I dont know if I will have enough.
If there is anything I have learned lately is that as long as I fear, I can have no faith. Faith and fear are total opposits. When you fear something happening you have lost the faith and hope that good will come out of it. I have taken my challenges in my life and have constintly reminded me every time that I start to fear that the Lord will take care of me. I have faith and hope that all will work out how it is supposed to. The Lord sees the big picture and he will help me so what is supposed to happen will happen.
I will not fear the unknown, yet take a step into the dark and have faith that the Lord will guide me to the end.

<3 Erin Christina

the 3 weeks

So here I sit typing this blog post, feeling not to well. It hurts to breath and I try my best not to cough. My body aches and I dont know what to do anymore.
Is this punishment? What is wrong with me. I get sick for about 2 weeks every month. This is more then just, well, girl stuff. So now into TMI mode so if you dont want to read you have been warned.
My body goes into lock down mode when it is that time of month for me. Sometimes even twice a month it happens, and it really sucks! I have no warning sign except the week before I am sooooo hungry -- extept for the fact that I am always always hungry. Day 1 I am basicly paralized from the pain. I cant sleep that night either because of the pain. My back just hurt sooo bad. Also the cramps effect my stomach as well. I have the worst stomach aches and get slightly sick and feel horrid. Not to mention no matter what my whole body aches and is in more pain then I can even explain. When the pain goes down half way through the week, I start to feel more sick. My stomach and my whole body just hurt so bad. I begin to become weak and always tired. The thought of food makes me want to throw up and I am soooo hungry at the same time. my stomach has the feeling of somone punching me 24/7 over and over and over. It hurts to breath, my nose gets stuffy, and I devlop a cough. This lasts for another week and a half and then for the last half of the other half I begin to feel better. But its one to two weeks left before the cycle starts over.
Sometimes it is worse then other sometimes not as bad as others. But every month it basicly gets wrose. I cant go through this any more. It really is killing me. I "joke" around a lot how I hate being a girl, but really I am in so much pain I wish I didnt have to go through this. I talk to ladys who are older who these things start to effect them, but they can easily take care of that. I am 20 years old and bleeding to death and sooo much pain every month is killing me. I hate this. I hate getting sick all the time. I pretend like nothing is bothering me, but as soon as I am alone I cry.
I try to think of what lesson I am to learn from this. I look back at my patriachtical blessing. But really, there is only hope and joy found there. It doesnt tell me to watch out for this, or I might encounter this, or have patince in this. There is no speak of trails in my blessing. It is a blessing full of hope. It tells me of the great things that I will do and the great things that will come in my life and the great I will do with the gifts the Lord has blessed me with.
In a few days I will be coughing up a lung and not knowing why and just wishing for all this pain to go away. I know there is a lesson to be taken from this, I just havent found it yet. I hope to someday soon. Until then I can just keep pressing on. Keep endouring to the end. This is the blessing that someday will make me a mother. So I will keep fighting this, and if worse comes to worse I will have tons and tons of kids so once I am married I wont have to have a period ever again, I will just always be pregnat and therefor I wont have to go though my 3 weeks of pain and hate for life!
So yes, this was all a little bit a lot of TMI, but this is me, you read my jurnal willingly, you take what I write and you cant complain and tell me that was not something that I should post. You read it. The only thing I do is write what I feel, do, hope, dream. My worries and fears. My pains of day. My thoughts. My heart and mind go down in writing. This is my life. Take me as I am.

<3 Erin Christina

An Angel

So I have many blogs that need to be writen but I am so backed up I dont know if I will get to them.

This week was a pretty sweet week!

I spent Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday with Natalia Angelica May.

It was a flipping blast!

I cannot remember the last time that I have felt so .. ALIVE .. so .. connected with someone .. so much intune with the spirit as well.

It is kinda hard to explaine, more so knowing that Natalia is probly reading this but I know this is a blog that I should write.

I have been sent to this earth for many reasons and one of those that I know of is to councel and liston to the problems of others, older, younger, whatever the age, I am here to help them through anything they need help with. It is a gift I know I have that people can talk to me and tell me things and come with anything and everything and I can help them. I have had many of the experinces as the people are having which makes it easy for me to help them through what they are going through and avoid the dark path that I was once on.

I have never, in all my time on this earth, found someone who has touched me and who I connect with so well as Natalia. There is so much we have in common and yet so much that I have to learn from her. She is such a strong spirit. Last night we just got into this really deep spirital conversation about eachother and blessings and gifts in our lives, which I have never really gotten to do with anyone else. It was so amazing. The way that her and I can just talk about it all, anything and everything, just kinda passes my understanding, which leads me to think of a better greater plan.

I am so blessed to have the friends I have in my life. They have helped me and strengthed me in ways they will never know. In this time in my life, Nataila stand kinda in the same spot. Our veiws and things going on in life seem to match together that we can understand each other so well (this is how I see it, she could be thinking something totally different). She has become one of my best friends and I am blessed beyoung belife. There is finally someone who can really understand me, and without me having to explaine things, she knows.

We have known each other for about a year or so now, but it wasnt until me getting home in July did we really click. It is funny how these things work. It is funny how when the rest of the world starts to fall apart and you find yourself all alone, that one friend can change it all.

It is better to have one best friend then many just friends.

I cannot wait till I have driving privliges back and I can drive out to Natalia's house again!!

Natalia hasnt only become one of my best friends, I know that I knew her before we came to this earth. I know I was probly super sad the day I left and she had to hang out up there for another year. We probly embraced and knew that we would see eachother again. A promise we made to each other. No matter what, I will be there for you. Everything may seem like its falling apart, but dont forget that I will be there and together, we will make it.

Natalia,

You are a choice spirit of your Heavenly Father, who loves you more then anything in the whole world! He watches over you. He has BLESSED you with your family and your friends. No matter what happens those people will always be there .. I will always be there.

Well she wants to get out

And she wants to get out

But the city calls out now

And the scars that she hides

With those stars in her eyes

Like the echos that are all the same

Cause it's all been done before

Yes it's all been done before

[ Chorus ]And oh, you can let this one go

You can try on your own

But I want you to be here

And oh, now the signs are all quiet

And the streets are all tired

And I want you to be here

Well she's sick of this town

And the walls in this house

And her pride just won't let her see

That when she wears that she's made

With the heart that won't break

She could be dead but she'd still believe

That it's all been done before

Yes it's all been done before

[ Chorus ]

They can tell you that they want you

To stay for what you've done

They can tell you that it's alright

To be what you've become

And you go

Cause you knowIt's for show

[ Chorus ]

And oh, now I tried to be quiet

But this heart is on fire

And I want you to be here

I want you to be here (5x)

Sry, this song by parachute came on while I was typing and I thought of you Natalia.

The friends in my life are my angels and they help me servive, they help me out of the dark into the light. Natalia, thank you for being my angel.

<3 Erin Christina

Eternal

If there is anything in my life that I feel strongly about it is family.

I write a lot about my family that people miss read. When I write I am getting out frustrations. I am not saying I hate my dad, but I am saying what had happened between him and I that day. I write a lot about how I do not feel part of my family. That is true, and then eople get upset with me for writing such things and saying How could you say such things about your family?!!
I have one thing to say back to them, HAVE YOU EVER MET MY FAMILY? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN US AS ONE UNIT?!
There are few people in my life who have seen truly into my eyes and my heart and seen how it has been broken many times and how I take my scotch tape and tape it back up from the things my family has said and done to me. Most of the time they dont notice the things that are hurting me. The pain that I hide as I sit there and find my self, even sitting next to them, in a different room or time. It like looking at a color picture of a happy family and everyone smiling and having fun and enjoying their company, but there is one part of the picture that is black and white. It a little girl sitting there as she watchs the family and sits there and eats in silance. The moment she opens her mouth she will be yelled at or made fun of, she can never say anything right. She is not married, she is not in the "IN" circle of her family.
I have talked to my mom about it. I have gone to her in tears and she has just told me that is not true. No matter what is true and what I "make up" in my head, this is how I FEEL!! I am human too. I have feelings. My blog is where I go to and let out all that is inside of me. This is called Erin's Escape because I run away from the world for the moments I am writing. I am able to say whatever I want to say and not be critized for it. You are the ones choosing to read this. If you do not like what I am saying then do not continue to read. You have to understand that this is how I feel, what is going through my mind, and the closest you will ever get to me opening up to you.
I'm sry, I have kinda gotten off topic.
I guess most people dont know to much about me. My life has taken many turns in it and how I have really been trying to understand me better. Why do I do the things I do. There is a good number of very spirtal posts on my blog expressing my growth and progress in myself.
As we are here on this earth we learn and we grow in everything we do. We are human. We all make mistakes. The most importent interaction we have with eachother is how we deal with the times that someone else makes a mistake. Do we take the time to understand them? Do we take the steps I learned in my communications class. Do we listen to the story, or do we make up our own? How do we react to the promblem? Do we try to solve it? Do we make it worse? Or do we just try to make the other person feel as bad as they made us? Do we take into account that maybe they didnt know what they did had an effect on you? Could the person of been trying to help you in a way and didnt know they had done something wrong? This doesnt only apply with people around us, but more so with out family.
The family is the most immportant thing in the Father's Plan of Happiness. The family has to work together as a unit or it will not work properly. After 5 1/2 years I gained a testimony of eternal families. If you ever wanted to hurt me in anyway then dont even bother smashing up my room. Destoying things that are of "value". Anything in my room can be replaced or cleaned up. You can buy a new floor because it is sratched up, you can fix a printer that is falling apart, you could get a new TV, PS2, dressure, towl rack, BUT you cannot replace people. So in order to ruin my day or hurt me in any way shape or form you take the people who mean the most to me out of my life. My friends and family.
As I was saying earlier my family and I dont have the best relationship, I am the black sheep. And even if I am not, it is not my fault I feel this way, it is how I am treated that I view it.
If any of you remember a post that went up in Feb. I didnt get the answer I had been looking for but stayed up a whole night reading talks about families. I know that the family is forever. I have been doing my best to strengthen the relationship with my family not just my dad, mom, Jonathan, and Ryan but as well with my sister-in-laws Courtney and Ashleigh. I strive for acceptince. I just want to be part of my family. To feel like part of my family. And even though I dont, I love them with all my heart.
While we are here on earth we are building up the kingdom we are building up our eternal kingdom. We are all going to be part of that, and this kingdom we are making down here sometimes makes me not want to be part of the eternal one. An eternity of being alone and rejected by my own family doesnt sound like something I want.
My patriartical blessing talks about eternal families quite a few times. That is something I am happy that is stressed in it, because it is something that I need to know and be reminded of again and again so I do not forget. I know I will be blessed with an eternal family and my family will be blessed because of the covents I will make in the temple with my future spouse. That in the Eternities I will enjoy assoiating with eternal families. I know that a lot of who I am and will be for this life and the life to come is baised on the simple fact and great truth that families are forever.
So take my car, take my ipod, take away my money, my job, my house, BUT you can never take my family from me or me from my family. You cannot take eternal family from me.
The most pain I have felt in my life has come from my brother telling me that he was never going to talk to me again. That he doesnt even want to be friends with me. That he doesnt even want to assoiate by the fact that we are family. That is how you can hurt me and ruin my day.
I have a hard time showing my feelings to my family, seeing as I feel alone and not as part of them, but they are my family and I love them, and always have, and always will.



<3 Erin Christina

Again

It has become apparent that my depression is setting back in.
The thought that go through my head everyday and those that I work the hardest to keep out, but they have set in and there is no escape from them.
With everyday comes, yelling, cussing, crying, dispare, loss of hope, the light slowly fade away.
If I did not have Natalia in my life I know I would not be strong like I am now.
I am so greatful for my friends.
Talking with Kevin last night, I opened up and poured it all out to him and just started crying on the phone.
Things are not going the best for me right now.
Issues with my dad, I just cannot do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I get cussed at and yelled out for having stuff on my bathroom counter.
I get rejected/forgoten about for family dinner, I eat it by myself because they all forget that I am here or forget to tell me all together that we are having it.
I am working two jobs and still not making enough money to get myself by, since now I have to pay for car repairs from my car accident and for school.
This online class that I am taking has barly started and already it is stressing me out, but I need to talk it.
I know the Lord is there, watching over me. Sometimes I cant help but ask Why? Why are you picking on me? Is it not about time that you move on to someone else? Dont I already have enough to handle?
I know Heavenly Father wouldnt give me more then I could handle.
I know how blessed I am.
Just things are not how they should be.
I have moved back into my depression flunk and I have to hold strong to the light or I will be lost.


<3 Erin Christina