Eternal

If there is anything in my life that I feel strongly about it is family.

I write a lot about my family that people miss read. When I write I am getting out frustrations. I am not saying I hate my dad, but I am saying what had happened between him and I that day. I write a lot about how I do not feel part of my family. That is true, and then eople get upset with me for writing such things and saying How could you say such things about your family?!!
I have one thing to say back to them, HAVE YOU EVER MET MY FAMILY? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN US AS ONE UNIT?!
There are few people in my life who have seen truly into my eyes and my heart and seen how it has been broken many times and how I take my scotch tape and tape it back up from the things my family has said and done to me. Most of the time they dont notice the things that are hurting me. The pain that I hide as I sit there and find my self, even sitting next to them, in a different room or time. It like looking at a color picture of a happy family and everyone smiling and having fun and enjoying their company, but there is one part of the picture that is black and white. It a little girl sitting there as she watchs the family and sits there and eats in silance. The moment she opens her mouth she will be yelled at or made fun of, she can never say anything right. She is not married, she is not in the "IN" circle of her family.
I have talked to my mom about it. I have gone to her in tears and she has just told me that is not true. No matter what is true and what I "make up" in my head, this is how I FEEL!! I am human too. I have feelings. My blog is where I go to and let out all that is inside of me. This is called Erin's Escape because I run away from the world for the moments I am writing. I am able to say whatever I want to say and not be critized for it. You are the ones choosing to read this. If you do not like what I am saying then do not continue to read. You have to understand that this is how I feel, what is going through my mind, and the closest you will ever get to me opening up to you.
I'm sry, I have kinda gotten off topic.
I guess most people dont know to much about me. My life has taken many turns in it and how I have really been trying to understand me better. Why do I do the things I do. There is a good number of very spirtal posts on my blog expressing my growth and progress in myself.
As we are here on this earth we learn and we grow in everything we do. We are human. We all make mistakes. The most importent interaction we have with eachother is how we deal with the times that someone else makes a mistake. Do we take the time to understand them? Do we take the steps I learned in my communications class. Do we listen to the story, or do we make up our own? How do we react to the promblem? Do we try to solve it? Do we make it worse? Or do we just try to make the other person feel as bad as they made us? Do we take into account that maybe they didnt know what they did had an effect on you? Could the person of been trying to help you in a way and didnt know they had done something wrong? This doesnt only apply with people around us, but more so with out family.
The family is the most immportant thing in the Father's Plan of Happiness. The family has to work together as a unit or it will not work properly. After 5 1/2 years I gained a testimony of eternal families. If you ever wanted to hurt me in anyway then dont even bother smashing up my room. Destoying things that are of "value". Anything in my room can be replaced or cleaned up. You can buy a new floor because it is sratched up, you can fix a printer that is falling apart, you could get a new TV, PS2, dressure, towl rack, BUT you cannot replace people. So in order to ruin my day or hurt me in any way shape or form you take the people who mean the most to me out of my life. My friends and family.
As I was saying earlier my family and I dont have the best relationship, I am the black sheep. And even if I am not, it is not my fault I feel this way, it is how I am treated that I view it.
If any of you remember a post that went up in Feb. I didnt get the answer I had been looking for but stayed up a whole night reading talks about families. I know that the family is forever. I have been doing my best to strengthen the relationship with my family not just my dad, mom, Jonathan, and Ryan but as well with my sister-in-laws Courtney and Ashleigh. I strive for acceptince. I just want to be part of my family. To feel like part of my family. And even though I dont, I love them with all my heart.
While we are here on earth we are building up the kingdom we are building up our eternal kingdom. We are all going to be part of that, and this kingdom we are making down here sometimes makes me not want to be part of the eternal one. An eternity of being alone and rejected by my own family doesnt sound like something I want.
My patriartical blessing talks about eternal families quite a few times. That is something I am happy that is stressed in it, because it is something that I need to know and be reminded of again and again so I do not forget. I know I will be blessed with an eternal family and my family will be blessed because of the covents I will make in the temple with my future spouse. That in the Eternities I will enjoy assoiating with eternal families. I know that a lot of who I am and will be for this life and the life to come is baised on the simple fact and great truth that families are forever.
So take my car, take my ipod, take away my money, my job, my house, BUT you can never take my family from me or me from my family. You cannot take eternal family from me.
The most pain I have felt in my life has come from my brother telling me that he was never going to talk to me again. That he doesnt even want to be friends with me. That he doesnt even want to assoiate by the fact that we are family. That is how you can hurt me and ruin my day.
I have a hard time showing my feelings to my family, seeing as I feel alone and not as part of them, but they are my family and I love them, and always have, and always will.



<3 Erin Christina

Again

It has become apparent that my depression is setting back in.
The thought that go through my head everyday and those that I work the hardest to keep out, but they have set in and there is no escape from them.
With everyday comes, yelling, cussing, crying, dispare, loss of hope, the light slowly fade away.
If I did not have Natalia in my life I know I would not be strong like I am now.
I am so greatful for my friends.
Talking with Kevin last night, I opened up and poured it all out to him and just started crying on the phone.
Things are not going the best for me right now.
Issues with my dad, I just cannot do anything right, no matter how hard I try. I get cussed at and yelled out for having stuff on my bathroom counter.
I get rejected/forgoten about for family dinner, I eat it by myself because they all forget that I am here or forget to tell me all together that we are having it.
I am working two jobs and still not making enough money to get myself by, since now I have to pay for car repairs from my car accident and for school.
This online class that I am taking has barly started and already it is stressing me out, but I need to talk it.
I know the Lord is there, watching over me. Sometimes I cant help but ask Why? Why are you picking on me? Is it not about time that you move on to someone else? Dont I already have enough to handle?
I know Heavenly Father wouldnt give me more then I could handle.
I know how blessed I am.
Just things are not how they should be.
I have moved back into my depression flunk and I have to hold strong to the light or I will be lost.


<3 Erin Christina

Some People ..

You know what,
Why do I even bother going to that ward anyways.
My singles ward is full of cliqs and groups and well I'm not in any of them.
Since Tami left it is just me and Natalia. We realized on Sunday really how not part of the ward we are. The two of us are never invited to things or even hear about them. You can look around the chapel and see everyone sitting in their groups and then it is her and I in our own little pew.
Last night had to of been the worst night ever.
So I got to FHE after Hali sent me a text saying that she doesnt need me to babysit. I go, I sit, I make a little joke, and it is not the same without Tami..people just kinda looked at me, that is when i knew I was alone.
I thought I would stay for a bit longer since I dont want to go home when my dad is still awake. Well I go into the gym and one of the bishops counclors wife was in there and basicly was talking to everyone and I was invisable. Then someone comes and starts talking to me and when I try to tell a story that related to hers she just walks off .. OK that for the story on your life like I care .. what are you trying to get at .. that your better then me because you already have a classroom?! Well WHOP-DE-FRIGGEN-DO like I care.
I wanted to play volleyball .. but there was no room and Sister I Really Dont Care About Everyone And Your Just Invisable To Me told someone who just got there that there was a spot bc someone else wanted to play and got those people on the floor ... so again I was left waiting becuase there wasnt anyone else.
I left and went into a dark room to cry. I didnt want to be around anyone.
OH when I went back in to get my stuff because I was just going to go home then people started caring. Brother Tenny stuck out his hand for a pound and I just left him hanging. And people started asking if everyting was ok I just wanted to tell them all to F-Off.
If you dont care, then dont try to care and become so Two-Faced snob.
I have been used and lied to and had people be fack to me my whole life, thats the last thing I want.
So when that one counsaler and his wife where leaving and saw me sitting on the couch they cared..is something wrong? your not the smilie erin you normally are. I wasnt going to lie they asked a few more questions I kept saying no that wasnt was wrong, I'm not going to just tell them that I hate the ward and cant stand the people in it and the way I have been treated tonight is the reason why. But i am not going to lie and be happy when I am not, I am not fake like that.
Because of a few things lately added on to last night I am now stuggling with getting my depression under control again. I dont want to do, talk, see anyone. I hate it when this happens, the thoughts coming back into my head.
Right now I am so greatful for Natalia, she is the only person that is keeping me in check right now. It is kinda funny that we have a lot in common. There is a bond - at least one that I feel. I need her in my life, more then ever now, our friendship is strong then it ever has been. I know that Heavenly Father has put her in my life for this time more then other times. But she is more then just a friend .. she is a spirit sister and I am so greatly and richly blessed to have someone I know that I was closely assoiated with in the Pre-Earth here with me durring these times in this earthly life. I dont know if she will ever read this, but, she is what is keeping me holding on right now.


<3 Erin Christina

The Works of Faith

I love to read the scriptures. I learn so much everytime I read. They teach me so much about me that I didnt know and they also help me become a better person by teaching me the way I should be.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I know that it is the true church. I have asked of God, like in James 1:5, seeking an answer and I KNOW that this is the true and only true church on the face of the earth. I am so blessed to have the scriptures to teach me such wonderful things.
I am the go to girl with my friends. They come to me with their problems and I always try to help them. Sometimes I just dont have any more adivise left to give them and I dont know how to help them but tell them to pray. But I have been forgetting the true meaning of them praying.
You can ask for something all you want, as many times as you, for as long as you want, but you will never get what you want unless you have faith that Heavenly Father will bless you with that in which you are asking of.
I LOVE Ether 12. There is so much in that chapter that if you read, TRUELY READ it, you will find so much in there to learn.
We all know the quote "fath without works is dead" but do we truely understand it? "by faith ALL things are fulfilled" that line from verse 3 bring comfort to my werry heart. It is through my faith in the Lord that I am blessed, though everyones faith that they are blessed. It is not by mindlessly doning that we are supposed to be doing, but by truely believing in that which we are doing. That in which we need to be is someone who in all times is standing strong with the HOPE that what we are doing is sufficent enough to that of which the Lord is asking of us. "hope cometh of faith" in verse 4 that is stated. I havent really ever understood the hope and faith connection, but I know that you cannot have one with out the other. How can you have faith in something but not hope for it or vise versa. Because I hope to so strongly that evertyhing money wise in my life will work out, I have faith the the Lord will provide the way for me.
On of the greatest verses in chapter 12 is 6. "dispute not because ye see not, for ye recive no whitness until after the trial of your faith" The answer to what you seek will not just pop right out of the place after you ask for it. But we are all tested thoughout our lives. I know for a fact that my faith is tested constently. I think one of the biggest things that people struggle with today is praying and not getting the answer and starting to lose faith in the Lord becuase he is not helping. Where is their faith? their hope? Some say that they have it but will not go though the work to recive it.
"Thou workest unto the children of mn according to their faith"
1. When we pray for something we have to know what it is we are asking for. Options arent and opption for Heavenly Father. 2. We have to express the faith in him to help and guide us through what we need in out lives. 3. We need to have hope in the blessings that we are asking for.
That is just barely getting under the skin of what I learned just from that one chapter. I encourage all you to read the chapter .. REALLY READ it. Even if you are not a member to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, please just read the chapter, I promise it isnt anything that you would be learning about in your church. It is purley of faith. Here is link to the websight were the chapter is. http://scriptures.lds.org/en/ether/12


<3 Erin Christina

Lessons I Learned from a 4 Year Old

Sometimes when kids throw fits I just want to let them have what they want. But I am trying not to do that. I am standing strong and saying no. Bella has now thown fits two days in a row and I wont let her have what she wants when she throws fits. Today we went to the park and she started complaing it was hot and she wanted to go home. When I told her to just go play and have fun she started throwing a fit and would not play. So I told her if we went home she did not get to go back to the park. She wasnt happy with that choice, so I told her to go play and have fun then we can go home and play in the hose. She continued to throw a fit about it being to hot to play so we went home. After getting home she wanted to go back to the park and I told her no. She said she wasnt hot anymore and said she wanted to go back. I told her no, it was too hot and it would still be too hot when we went back to the park. She contiued to throw a fit and so I had a conversation with her and said when she stoped crying she can come out and say that she is sry to me and we can play again.
Even though I wanted to play at the park we came home. She said she is sry and she is happy as can be again. Being 4 is hard .. I guess life is always hard. We dont always get our way. But we bounce back from being sad and the world isnt over. We learn these things from a young age .. but we never grasp the full picture. Dont tell me the last time you didnt get your way you werent upset. We may not always throw fits and tempertantrums but we do get upset. But remember the world isnt over and there are many days ahead of us.
Live, Love, Dance, and Sing always. The only one holding you back from your dreams is you.


<3 Erin Christina

There are things in life..

I just always have to remember i am blessed.

Sry if it is written choppy it is still so hard and emotional for me to write about.

I was in a car accident on monday afternoon driving to weatherford with two of my friends and sadly to say I was the one driving.
While on our way there a car infrount of us was driving with there trunk open and stuff hanging out of it, there was nothing hold it in and it looked as though things were starting to fall out of it.
In effort to not get hit by anyting I check to see if I cant change lanes. I turn on my blinker to show my intent and there was space. again looking when making the start of the move a car speeding badly came right into view out of my blind spot. I had almost hit them but pulled back and hit my brakes. Well my lovely Honda with anti-lock breaks locked up. The breaks were no longer working and I couldnt stop as the wheel of the car would not stop moving no matter how I fought. I knew that I needed to pull over the the side of the road and get the car to stop and do that without hitting anyone on the high way as well. I knew at that moment my life was meaningless and if anything nothing is to happen to Natalia and Jordan. So from the right lane my car went into the left then off to the side of the road and still not stopping into the guard rail (3 of them). It all happend so fast and was a total blurr. But the car took damage to the diver side only, and really it was a small dent in the back a pit of paint along the side and the daamge it worse would of only gotten me. my headlight and srrounding compleatly busted up. The winsheild wipper fluid came compleatly off .. but the box didnt brake, the casing for my head light was all smashed up but the lightbulb wasnt damaged at all, my car drives, we all all safe. I dont know how they are feeling but I know that I am a little sore. My right leg, that is always a bit swollen since my Sr year of highschool, has been pretty swollen even down to my foot and my knee is in some pretty bad pain, but like I show that on my face.
After it was all done and the car stoped I startd hypervenilating and shaking and couldnt move Natalia and Jordan got out of the car to look at it and started calling people. I was able to get out and look and fell to the ground crying. I dont remember much from the hour and a half we were out there.
The police wouldnt let me drive my car the two exits we had left bc even though it was looked at and fine to drive he wouldnt let me and called a wecker and didnt tell me it was being taken to an impound lot.
I babysit for for someone who is a machanic and him and his wife drove out to weatherford to look at my car and make sure it was driveable and he is also going to help me get a better deal on parts and the best places to go for the body work that has major work to be done.
Long story short my dad is more then pissed off. I am grounded beyond belife and I have to pay for everything. I had to pay the $151.65 to get my car out of the impound lot and I will have to pay the repairs as well, and my dad will not call the insurance componey.
My dad said that it will probly cost around $1500, then laughed, saying that is about the cost of a semester of school for me.
I already pay for school out of my pocket, not the car out of my pocket, I have two jobs, and I was forced to take the 2nd because I am not getting the hours I need at Kohls, so I do the babysitting M-F 8-3 thing. I am even looking into a 3rd job if I could. I have faith, but I am scared. Just the thought of not being able to get to go back to my favorite place on earth scares me.
I have half a mind once I fix up this car to just tell my dad that I fixed it, its mine and just move out of that house. I cannot live with him much longer. The way he treated Natalia and Jordan on the phone just makes me so mad at him, I cannot believe him sometimes.

I know that what could of happened could of been so much worse, I know that my heavenly father is with me and watching over me. No one is taken away before their time, I know that he saved us, and saved the car as well. My trust is fully in the Lord and I love him with all my heart.

So my car's name is Two Face.
Oneside perfect and like new, and the other is pretty messed up.



<3 Erin Christina

Let Your Light So Shine

I am failing at my updates
so I will do a quick post right now.
so friday i had a date ^_^
I went on a date with james.
It was a lot of fun!!
ok so there really isnt much to tell on the topic but i can tell you that i am keeping my end of the promise i made to myself.
I am becoming a better person and being who i need to be.
I am the one keeping him in cheack. He is not all talk .. he has game and it is the hardest thing in my life to resist that, but i am going in to the game and not playing, no matter how badly i have wanted to.
The thing is, the more he is not in check and i have to keep him in .. make me not like him that much. if he really doesnt care enough to respect things then i dont know what to do.
He says one thing but does another. He is doing a lot to impress me, and make sure he is doing things right, but thats one thing that annoys me with guys, is when they ask questions after questions concerning their status with me. Ok i cant really explain what i mean there, but it seems its more about him getting me then how i feel about him, like changing who he is.
On that note...
so one of my last posts was about me fixing my problems and being who i am supposed to be. I bore my testimony on sunday about it. James seems like he doesnt stand up for who he is. He wont talk about his mission proudly rather he masks it as just living in CA for 2 years. He doesnt stand proudly and strongly and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints around people. from just one date I learned this. I called him out on it and i quoted 3Nephi 12:14-16. (ok i didnt qoute bc yea i dont know it by heart but i know the jist of it.
a city on the hill cannot be hid. does a man light a candle and hide it under a bushle, no but light a candle and let you light shine forth to the nations. let your light so shine!
I know that i dont do that all the time, but i am trying everyday to work on myself and stop hiding my candle, how can i ask someone else to do so when i still struggl with doing so. the past two years have helped me change that a lot, though, im not perfect at it yet.
there are still things i struggle with, like grasping the whole picture rather then focus on the present, Natalia has helped me out a lot with that. I am so blessed to have her around me to always remind me that its not the end, that yes my father loves me, that im not a screw up, and so many more things. I have a lot to work on in my life, everyone does. No one is perfect. Everyday we should always strive to be better saints, and help those around us.
I will let my light so shine, to shine forth and be a standered to the nations, i will no longer hide my candle but light it and let it shine on!


<3 Erin Christina